Torn on this. Autistic little lad in restaurant.

[EggsBenedick]

Hi all,

I firstly want to make clear that I am not wanting this to be a bunfight or an ableist type of thread. I'm genuinely interested to hear people's views on this, as the family in question have asked to put in a complaint to the restaurant along with them.

We were eating an all you can eat type place, mostly Indian / Bangladeshi cuisine. I've added this as this may be relevant from a culture perspective.

It's a nice place, not somewhere too posh but not your run of the mill everything you can eat for a tenna place. Was quite busy in there too.

Seated next to us was a family of 3, with a little lad about aged 8 or 9. After he came back with his plate of food he took his jumper and T shirt off. People were looking over but the parents didnt seem bothered by it.

A member of staff came over and asked the parents if the boy could put his top back on. The member of staff was pretty polite initially. The parents refused to ask the boy to put his top back on. The staff member then went to get another member of staff, who came over and said he just put his top back on during the meal or they would have to leave. The mum then said to the waiter 'if we put his top on he will just scream the place down and ruin everything for everyone'. And explained that the child is autistic.

The parents made no effort to put the top back on the boy.
The staff member said to the family that they would have to eat quickly and leave. By this point the mother was visibly upset and indirectly spoke to us saying 'I wish my son could just be accepted.'

The boy was completely topless in the middle of the restaurant with lots of other diners around.
They had a few mouthfuls and came over to our table and asked if we would leave a Google review complaining about their time at the restaurant and how they aren't inclusive or family friendly.

AIBU to be torn in this? I'm genuinely intrigued to hear people's opinions on this. I could see how difficult it was for the mum. But on one hand I think the parents should've at least tried to put the T shirt on the child as it's not appropriate for a child of that age to be topless in a restaurant. But, the child shouldn't be confined to their home to eat. I would be concerned about strangers / men looking at my semi - naked child most of all.

I don't think I am going to do a review as I can see it from the restaurants POV also. I said to the mum that I was sorry she had such a stressful time. She clearly needed support. The dad didn't say or do a lot which was most helpful!

I live near a naturist group so see naked people out and about all the time. There is a question about who is liable if the child burns himself.

I am on the team if you staying out of it, it is a reasonable rule that people need to be dressed to eat.

Hideous comment.

Certain life situations call for certain types of behaviour and a restaurant is one of them.

If you went to a restaurant at the beach or a pool side eatery at a hotel, you would have to cover up to go in.

I’ll shout this louder, COMMON DECENCY and ETIQUETTE !

It wouldn’t have bothered me but saying that it wouldn’t have surprised me either as I’d probably have recognised the lad was autistic long before the tshirt came off.

And there is nothing to suggest that the restaurant wouldn’t have accommodated their needs and maybe arranged for the family to sit in a more secluded area if possible. The parents behaved poorly when they expected this to be tolerated without any conversation.

Because @trackertoo is being deliberately horrid.

I've said multiple times that my view is very blinkered when it comes to children being exploited and I have a fear of groomers because I was seriously sexually assaulted at 6 years old.

My child does not miss out on swimming or beach holidays.
I've also stated I'm in therapy and working on things.

But that poster keeps digging me out and it's already an incredibly sensitive subject, trying to make my post about that, instead of my original point. And that OP accused ME of being goady and starting a bunfight.

Horrible.

How are they ever supposed to try and prepare their child for society if they're not allowed to participate. How are they supposed to know what is possible?

This may have been their first time in a resteraunt for years, the last time may have ended up with a huge meltdown, an awful scene, traumatic for everyone. That night getting through a meal with no shouting, food throwing, screaming and only a t-shirt being removed might have been the most positive and life affirming experience they'd had as a family for years until it was ruined by intolerance.

Wouldn't bother me at all. He is a child.

Wouldn't say much different to a person boob tube and mini skirt

"Societal norms" "Common decency" "Inappropriate"

These are completely made-up things. Made up rules that we have chosen to live by. Rules made up by NT people. Not universal constants like gravity.

There is no fundamental law of the universe that says anyone has to wear a top in a restaurant.

If you would rather a whole family never be able to take their child out to eat than sit in a restaurant where a child might not be wearing a top. A child who you are not forced to look at or interact with. I wonder about what makes up "decency".

All the what if froth "what if he was 52 and not wearing trousers?". He wasn't.

Great Post.

Honestly I thought you were going to say they were screaming or howling continuously at ear splitting levels or running around.

A shirtless 9 year old boy isn't a huge drama

Clearly my sarcasm didn't come across. My child would have been the one with the ear defenders on

odd then that my posts weren’t deleted

And I'll ask again. Would you feel the same if it was my child with ear defenders on?

I'm pretty sure not many pedos get their fix by hanging out in restaurants on the off-chance an eight year old takes his shirt off.

you have completely missed the point 😆

but not it would seem ever on the beach. or on a sunny day in the park. or at a public pool

I agree with your post. I also have children with ASD, and worked with young people with ASD.

They need to work on enabling him to wear a top of they want him to eat in restaurants. People may may tolerant of him as a bare chested child with ASD , but not a bare chested 25 year old man with ASD.

I worked in a school once where staff babied a severely ASD child, letting him play with their lanyards, the child was therefore also placing their hands in contact with the staff members breasts. Took a lot of work for the staff to understand this had to be stopped, as it would be entirely inappropriate if the child did this as an adult.

Again, I'm aware.

Again, I am affected by this because of past trauma.

Again, I'm working on it.

Difficult for the mum but I think he should have had his t shirt on.

OP, I don't think this AIBU thread is doing anything good for you. It's ok to step away, honestly.

Best wishes to you, and for your therapy Take care.

@trackertoo

Where have I explicitly said that they aren't at beaches and pools.

Do you get a kick out of being deliberately obtuse to someone who has explained that they have trauma due to being sexually assaulted at 6?

I've obviously rubbed you up the wrong way. Fair enough. Can you please, stop digging me out for my fear of kids being exploited. It's triggering and I'm doing a lot of work to get past this.

Please, kindly, can you stop with the digs. This ISNT the point of my post.

This. A 9yo without a shirt is one thing but if he's not taught now then what about when he's 40, morbidly obese and also prefers to take his pants off? You need to model socially-appropriate behaviour when they're at an age to a, understand and b, not be too entrenched in existing behaviour. Change is difficult when you're autistic and the longer you've been doing something a certain way the harder it is to adjust. They're not doing him any favours.

@trackertoo you should be ashamed of yourself

@AutumnCrow

Thank you x