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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I really so out of order here?

89 replies

JMSA · 30/03/2024 15:13

Today my 14 year old daughter asked if a school friend could come for a sleepover tonight. I said yes. Daughter was on the phone to her friend, saying that she was going to come to her home town (about 40 minutes away) to 'pick her up' on the bus, and that she'd be giving her friend the money for her fare here. I said that this wouldn't be happening, that the girl could make her own way to the city (my daughter could meet her there though, and head home together) and pay her own bus fare.
For reference, we're in Scotland, where every young person is entitled to a free bus pass. It's not my problem if the girl's mother hasn't applied for this.
The other point is that the girls attend a private school. I would be much more sympathetic if it was someone who genuinely couldn't afford the bus fare. Moreover, the girl gets the school coach every day, which costs thousands more per year. The bus fare here would be around £3.
I don't want my daughter to have the piss taken out of her. The girl has apparently spent the past 20 minutes convincing her mother that it is safe to come, and to give her the money for the fare. The girl has been here for a sleepover here before, and no invitation has been extended to my daughter. I've never even heard from the mother, let alone received a thanks for having her.
It's bonkers, is it not, to expect my 14 year old to foot the bill for her to come and stay here? Confused
I'm feeling awful now, as my daughter is furious and accusing me of judging this girl and her family.
AIBU?

OP posts:
tomorrowisanotherdate · 30/03/2024 15:14

yanbu

FrenchandSaunders · 30/03/2024 15:14

At 14 I would have let your DD get on with it tbh. It’s not a huge amount of money.

Moltenpink · 30/03/2024 15:15

I think just leave her to it, unless your dd is asking you for the money and you don’t have it spare.

Original poster
JMSA · 30/03/2024 15:16

You don't think it's rather an odd precedent to set, with my daughter paying for her friend to come see her?

OP posts:
SouthEastCoast · 30/03/2024 15:17

What did it matter if your DD went there to pick her friend up? My 13 year old DD regularly does this with friends less confident than she is. Also bus money, is nothing though is it? I think you are massively BU

StormingNorman · 30/03/2024 15:17

Not unreasonable in principle. But is it worth an argument with your daughter?

strange though that the friend’s parents are unwilling to pay. I would try to speak to your daughter about this aspect.

LardoBurrows · 30/03/2024 15:17

JMSA · 30/03/2024 15:16

You don't think it's rather an odd precedent to set, with my daughter paying for her friend to come see her?

Yep, really odd. I would have done the same as you. YANBU.

Loopytiles · 30/03/2024 15:19

Hmmm I would be concerned about DD ‘putting herself out’ too much and would be speaking to her about reciprocity etc in friendships.

CinnabarRed · 30/03/2024 15:19

I honestly couldn’t get that worked up about it.

It also like the friend’s mother is nervous of her DD travelling to your city alone and is seeking the reassurance of the girls travelling together.

loropianalover · 30/03/2024 15:19

Feels like we’re missing something about friends family, is it possible her mother is a bit odd? Does your daughter know anything about her family, maybe your DD is trying to give her friend a bit of peace and safety by bringing her to yours?

Seems strange she wouldn’t have a bus pass if it’s free (who wouldn’t want that!) and Had to spend 30 mins convincing mum it’s ‘safe’….

Octavia64 · 30/03/2024 15:21

As it's a bus fare presumably we're not talking a lot of money.

It's quite likely that at the other end she is saying "I promise it's no hassle mum, you don't need to take me" as she really wants to go.

At 14 I would not expect a thank you from the parents. They'll have cooked it up themselves.

I would have let your DD spend her money that way. I actually think it's quite sweet.

I presume it is your DD's money and she has pocket money or similar to spend as she chooses?

Finlesswonder · 30/03/2024 15:25

I think it's pretty mean of you

Hiddenvoice · 30/03/2024 15:28

If they wanted to meet up before and head back to yours later then fair enough but I wouldn’t want my dd to pay for the bus fare unless I knew of other circumstances. If her friend is capable of paying for the bus herself then your dd shouldn’t pay for her.

Original poster
JMSA · 30/03/2024 15:31

Ok, so my feeling is that I've been unfair about the girls meeting at her hometown beforehand. That's my daughter's choice, which I should have respected.
However no one can persuade me otherwise about the bus fares. It's grabby and weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
JMSA · 30/03/2024 15:32

And the cost of the fares is inconsequential. It's the principle.

OP posts:
SouthEastCoast · 30/03/2024 15:34

JMSA · 30/03/2024 15:31

Ok, so my feeling is that I've been unfair about the girls meeting at her hometown beforehand. That's my daughter's choice, which I should have respected.
However no one can persuade me otherwise about the bus fares. It's grabby and weird.

You are weirdly hung up about £3. Grabby?! That’s actually laughable

FictionalCharacter · 30/03/2024 15:36

JMSA · 30/03/2024 15:16

You don't think it's rather an odd precedent to set, with my daughter paying for her friend to come see her?

I'd normally say yes that is odd and not right, but I smell something unusual here. The mum doesn't want her teenager to travel by bus (doesn't get bus pass, pays more money for coach instead). The girl had to persuade her that going to your house is safe, yet she's been before.
I suspect this is a very overprotective and controlling mother who perhaps doesn't allow her daughter to have money, as a way of keeping her home.

Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2024 15:36

SouthEastCoast · 30/03/2024 15:34

You are weirdly hung up about £3. Grabby?! That’s actually laughable

Show quote history

I imagine its not the money its the principle and OP is worried about her DD being a doormat

BobbyBiscuits · 30/03/2024 15:37

If it was clear the family had severe financial problems I'd gladly pay the kids fare. But it sounds more like a ruse. Ie the kid wasn't given spending money, only bus fare. She wants to spend it on something else so...
Your daughter could be aware of this and trying to extract extra money off you?
Either way, can you send her mum or the kid herself the links to the free bus pass?

fieldsofbutterflies · 30/03/2024 15:40

I don't think it's your battle to fight. You've made your feelings clear but at 14 your DD can spend her money on whatever she likes (as long as it's legal, obviously).

Spirallingdownwards · 30/03/2024 15:41

I wouldn't make the assumptions you had.

Perhaps she doesn't have access to her own money and your DD knows she can't ask you to collect her so she is doing so.

You don't know their financial background. Perhaps a parent has lost their job. Perhaps the girl is at school on a scholarship or bursary.

Trust your daughter's judgement and let the girl come. That way you can get to know her better and see how the land lies as to whether she is a chancer or someone in need of a good friend.

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/03/2024 15:42

What does your DD say is the reason she wants to pay her friend's bus fare, OP?

The answer to this is important here.

Original poster
JMSA · 30/03/2024 15:43

I imagine its not the money its the principle and OP is worried about her DD being a doormat

Exactly. Thank you for your understanding. Daughter is going through a bit of a lonely phase where she's trying to find her 'tribe' (if that doesn't sound too wanky) and I want to support her friendships - hence the sleepover - but don't want her taken advantage of.

OP posts:
fieldsofbutterflies · 30/03/2024 15:46

JMSA · 30/03/2024 15:43

I imagine its not the money its the principle and OP is worried about her DD being a doormat

Exactly. Thank you for your understanding. Daughter is going through a bit of a lonely phase where she's trying to find her 'tribe' (if that doesn't sound too wanky) and I want to support her friendships - hence the sleepover - but don't want her taken advantage of.

But at some point, you have to allow her to make her own mistakes. If you keep stepping in and protecting her, she'll never learn.

If the only thing at "risk" was a £3 bus fare, I would have just let her get on with it.

Original poster
JMSA · 30/03/2024 15:47

Suspected ADHD and she is never done with making mistakes at the moment. It's exhausting and challenging, especially as I'm on my own. I'm just trying to protect her Sad

OP posts: