Was I really so out of order here?

[JMSA]

Today my 14 year old daughter asked if a school friend could come for a sleepover tonight. I said yes. Daughter was on the phone to her friend, saying that she was going to come to her home town (about 40 minutes away) to 'pick her up' on the bus, and that she'd be giving her friend the money for her fare here. I said that this wouldn't be happening, that the girl could make her own way to the city (my daughter could meet her there though, and head home together) and pay her own bus fare.
For reference, we're in Scotland, where every young person is entitled to a free bus pass. It's not my problem if the girl's mother hasn't applied for this.
The other point is that the girls attend a private school. I would be much more sympathetic if it was someone who genuinely couldn't afford the bus fare. Moreover, the girl gets the school coach every day, which costs thousands more per year. The bus fare here would be around £3.
I don't want my daughter to have the piss taken out of her. The girl has apparently spent the past 20 minutes convincing her mother that it is safe to come, and to give her the money for the fare. The girl has been here for a sleepover here before, and no invitation has been extended to my daughter. I've never even heard from the mother, let alone received a thanks for having her.
It's bonkers, is it not, to expect my 14 year old to foot the bill for her to come and stay here?
I'm feeling awful now, as my daughter is furious and accusing me of judging this girl and her family.
AIBU?

In your shoes, I would just give your DD the extra bus fare (or go and collect the friend yourself) and let things pan out.

At least that way, they'll be socialising at your house and you'll be able to keep an eye on them. Otherwise, you risk your DD not telling you things and potentially pushing you away.

All you've done is made sure your daughter won't tell you things in future.

So why have you posted asking if you’re being unreasonable?

Agreed. It's also very strange that pps would be so willing to let their child do something like this. Can just imagine the post if it was an adult asking their friend to foot the bus fare.

I’m with you OP. Do you think the friend was scared of travelling by herself? Yet expects your DD to travel to her by herself? I’d have said no too.

You are being perfectly reasonable! That’s why the rich are rich they just expect others to pay their way. She should be asking her own parents for the money.

Yanbu. I'd feel the same.

Entirely reasonable, unless there's a backstory you don't know about. I had to put my foot down with my DDs friend and 'lifts' as the friend would constantly stay at our house, but the lifts there and back would somehow be our problem (didn't mind doing one way). It's an hour's round trip each time. I put my foot down and the parents got the message. They're still v good friends and I'm friends with the parents too now!

It's scotland. They have a young scot card. Travel anywhere free under 25. No need for bus fairs. Ynbu. Let you daughter travel but definitely not paying bus fairs. If her parents haven't got her card that's their problem.

Something is going on with the friend, and your house could become a safe place for her. I would want to gently know more to understand if it places DD at any risk, if the friend needs more support than a teen can provide, and if the friend is doing this a lot. Collecting a friend is just nice, ss long as the route is actually safe.

I'm the opposite camp about the £3 though. DS is much younger and I've actively encouraged him to spend pocket money on a little friend with £1 to feed goats, and 3 times now he's spent 50p to buy different friends a cake at the cake sale. He also buys us our gifts with his own money or paid for an extra item. I perceive it on the whole to be about money management skills; having a chat about being nice but you won't get anything back, so only give if you are happy to give it freely.

I would do (and have done) this in the past.

Is the friend Scottish? Because my parents are from a different culture and I wasn't allowed to have any money or go anywhere alone until I was 16. The reason I ask is because of the talk of it "being safe to come" which they/the parents may be nervous about if they're only familiar with certain areas.

DD has often helped out a friend for whatever reason, I often slip it back to her and if necessary have a few words about keeping an eye on whether things are reciprocal and making sure the friendship stays fair. Not necessarily equal, circumstances considered, but fair.

You're wanting to encourage friendships, £3 is a small price at this stage.

It does sound odd and as if the mum is dysfunctional or controlling in some way but I would have let it go. It isn’t any huge cost to you and by blocking it you have come across as a bit punitive.

Thanks for your views everyone.

I agree with your daughter, you're being completely unreasonable.

The finance is a side issue but you're insisting that the girl travels into the city etc, her mother and indeed the girl might not be comfortable with that. If I was the mother of the other girl, I'd be fizzing that you had put me (and my daughter) in an impossible position and I'd also be questioning if you were a reliable and trustworthy parent to look after my child overnight. If you're willing to not even take into consideration her family rules etc abd just ride roughshod over them then what other risks are you willing to take. They are trying to keep her safe and there's nothing wrong with that.
I'm sure it doesn't seem like a risk to you and it may well not be, but to that family it sounds like they are uncomfortable with it and that has to be respected.

I wouldn’t expect the mum of a 14 year old to get in touch and thank me for a sleepover.

Yes, so they are welcome to bring her!

@Famfirst

I mean, sorry, but your reply is truly bonkers.

That's fair enough, but I like to get in touch to introduce myself and to say thanks. Then it doesn't feel like I'm sending her off to a stranger's.

I think you need to step back and not micromanage your daughter's social life. It's an extra bus journey and £3. If she feels she's being exploited or struggling with a friendship dynamic, she needs to feel she can come to you for advice; she won't do that if you're already in her face telling her what to do and embarrassing her.

Grrr! I totally get this. I’m in a similar situation for tonight. My daughter has a lovely best friend and she sleeps over a lot (most weekends) I don’t begrudge this I love that they have such a close friendship. Anyway, my daughter is never ever allowed to sleep at her friends house. Apparently they have a dog that “doesn’t really like other people in the house” So she’s never allowed over. It’s so frustrating. To add to that I never get a thanks or a kiss my arse from the mother for having her! Really gets my back up but if I don’t have her friend stay here, they’ll never see each other

I think you are being unreasonable. You've ruined what could have been a lovely night for two young girls for the sake of £3.

Instead of not wanting your daughter taken advantage of, you could have looked at it as teaching your daughter the value of generosity (which it doesn't sound like she gets from you...)

My now 16 year old would have been mortified if I’d done that (although I understand wanting to) but we have to trust them and from 14 you need to step back a bit, supporting from the background and being clear you’re at the end of the phone if ever needed.

I'm afraid that you lost me at the "no invitation extended to my dd" Can't be doing with tally keeping.