Was I really so out of order here?

[JMSA]

Today my 14 year old daughter asked if a school friend could come for a sleepover tonight. I said yes. Daughter was on the phone to her friend, saying that she was going to come to her home town (about 40 minutes away) to 'pick her up' on the bus, and that she'd be giving her friend the money for her fare here. I said that this wouldn't be happening, that the girl could make her own way to the city (my daughter could meet her there though, and head home together) and pay her own bus fare.
For reference, we're in Scotland, where every young person is entitled to a free bus pass. It's not my problem if the girl's mother hasn't applied for this.
The other point is that the girls attend a private school. I would be much more sympathetic if it was someone who genuinely couldn't afford the bus fare. Moreover, the girl gets the school coach every day, which costs thousands more per year. The bus fare here would be around £3.
I don't want my daughter to have the piss taken out of her. The girl has apparently spent the past 20 minutes convincing her mother that it is safe to come, and to give her the money for the fare. The girl has been here for a sleepover here before, and no invitation has been extended to my daughter. I've never even heard from the mother, let alone received a thanks for having her.
It's bonkers, is it not, to expect my 14 year old to foot the bill for her to come and stay here?
I'm feeling awful now, as my daughter is furious and accusing me of judging this girl and her family.
AIBU?

Your daughters friend will turn out to be no friend, I’d bet on that. I think it’s good that you’re pointing out the red flags and preventing her from being used. She’ll be kissed at you but maybe she’ll be wiser.

I’d find it a bit odd that your daughter felt she had to offer to pay for the friend to visit. And the other girl accepting that, or maybe expecting it.

Did the other girl tell your DD she was to pay for her fare or did your DD offer to be nice? I think over £3 you'd have been better to let her get on with it but just quietly say after the girl went home that you're happy for her friend to stay again but next time let her pay for her own journey and leave it at that, it's probably set a weird tone now

I get your point, OP. But I think if you don’t want friends to take advantage of your daughter, this isn’t the way to do it. Do you think what you’ve done has taught her this lesson? I think it would have had more impact to plant the seed, that this friend could be taking the piss, whilst ultimately letting your daughter make this very low-risk choice. She very well may have come to your conclusion on her own, over time.

You are the parent though and you made a choice, out of love, which you believed was in the best interest of your Daughter. So don’t be hard on yourself. Us parents don’t get it ‘right’ every single time, we are constantly learning.. all of us.

My secondary school best mate took the absolute piss out of me for 7 years, made us switch clothes on mufty day if what I had on was nicer, swap food at lunch if she preferred what I had, and all sorts. She was an only child and was used to getting what she wanted and I was 1 of 5 and used to sharing so she loved me because I was easy to control, but we grew up and she's still my best friend 20 years later, She did realise how awful she'd been and massively apologised in our adulthood, it's possible this girls just a bit spoilt but actually a good friend at heart

How true

Are they good friends? Knowing nothing about the friendship and the sort of person your daughters friend is;

Perhaps the friend was using the no money for a bus as ann excuse not to come?… And could be a ‘People pleaser’ by agreeing she would come if your daughter got her as she doesn’t know how to say no.

If my daughter was in this situation I would perhaps try exploring around this possibility too. Like next time they’re together or over, ask the friend questions she would have to make choices about, would you prefer lasagne or bolognese tonight etc and see how confident she is in answering.

Not saying she’s not a good friend/doesnt like your daughter… just maybe she’s an introvert or there’s stuff going on in her life she just wants to be at home for instead.

If DD was offering to collect her friend and pay, and your putting a stop to that resulted in the friend's DM having to be convinced, at length, that it was 'safe' for her DD to catch a bus then I'd put my money on the DM being either controlling or highly anxious, or both, and DDs offer was designed to mitigate that.

The fact that the friend is entitled to a free bus pass but doesn't have one - she must be aware of them, all her friends must have them! - points to it being a deliberate choice by the parents to prevent their DD from being able to catch a bus.

I think it shows your DD in a very good light, that she can clearly see her friend is being restricted in a way that is not normal, and has tried to help her friend. I'd be very proud of her, and hope that as an adult she'll be the kind of woman that her friends know they can turn to if they need help. It doesn't sound to me like she was being taken advantage of at all.

Did you not have a discussion with your DD about why she is offering to pay her friend's bus fare when the family are obviously not short of money? I would have wanted to find out what was going on before jumping in and issuing instructions!

Yes to this.

After the sleepover, I'd gently quiz your daughter - is there anything off or amiss in her friend's mother or the relationship the friend has with her mother?

I think you've taken a pasting here.

The implication I read is that friends mum doesn't want the child coming to this terribly awful area.

Your child is willing to spend their own money to get them to come. Dangerous precedent.

Good on you advocating for your child.

Fwiw I don't thin we should teach children to buy friendship and those who are saying it's only 3 quid are off thr mark. Why should ops child pay? (Plus their own transport to get there)

It's annoying. My daughter passed her test at 17 and started taking her best friend to and from college every day plus the usual endless social nights out etc. She lived out in the sticks so it was a 10 mile round trip each time. As a result of all this extra mileage my daughter was always running out of fuel (she had a part time job so contributed herself too) but it was always us who "rescued' her and provided more fuel. The other parents never thought to contribute - they were happy not to have to turn out to pick their daughter up. It irritated the hell out of me but it was my daughter's choice and we couldn't see her stranded, but she was taken advantage of big time.
Not sure what I would do in your position probably let her do it the once and see what happens next time.
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I think the convo probably went "do you want to stop at mine"
"I can't get over to you can't get a lift and have no bus fair"
"Don't worry I'll pay bus fare"
It's £3 in this case....I actually wouldn't care too much....
Out of intrest have you even contacted the girls mum to ok everything? Instead of speculating

I hope your dd's having a good sleepover with her mate now. There's not enough time to be worrying about £3 if your dd's lonely. I think this is one of those hills you don't die on.
If she's 14 can you show her how to get the travel pass? what's the actual issue?