Was I really so out of order here?

[JMSA]

Today my 14 year old daughter asked if a school friend could come for a sleepover tonight. I said yes. Daughter was on the phone to her friend, saying that she was going to come to her home town (about 40 minutes away) to 'pick her up' on the bus, and that she'd be giving her friend the money for her fare here. I said that this wouldn't be happening, that the girl could make her own way to the city (my daughter could meet her there though, and head home together) and pay her own bus fare.
For reference, we're in Scotland, where every young person is entitled to a free bus pass. It's not my problem if the girl's mother hasn't applied for this.
The other point is that the girls attend a private school. I would be much more sympathetic if it was someone who genuinely couldn't afford the bus fare. Moreover, the girl gets the school coach every day, which costs thousands more per year. The bus fare here would be around £3.
I don't want my daughter to have the piss taken out of her. The girl has apparently spent the past 20 minutes convincing her mother that it is safe to come, and to give her the money for the fare. The girl has been here for a sleepover here before, and no invitation has been extended to my daughter. I've never even heard from the mother, let alone received a thanks for having her.
It's bonkers, is it not, to expect my 14 year old to foot the bill for her to come and stay here?
I'm feeling awful now, as my daughter is furious and accusing me of judging this girl and her family.
AIBU?

I agree with you op - partly it would make me feel uncomfortable because it’s as though my dd was trying to force a friendship on someone who it doesn’t sound like is as keen.

I wouldn’t want her paying for someone else’s fair and also making the journey to meet the other girl - it’s all a bit one-sided. Ultimately though at 14 I think I’d just tell her how I felt but leave it up to her - it would make me uncomfortable though as it feels like the other girl is taking the piss.

I'm with you OP. It's not about the money but your DD footing her friend's bill. A bill that the friend wouldn't even have if her parents just got her young Scot card updated (takes 10 minutes!)
It sets a precedent if you DD making the effort and paying out for her friends in her future. Dont let her start off this way, or she'll end up buying all the rounds, being left with the bill for lunch and doing the school run for her friends whilst growing resentful.
Yeah that may be miles away from this stage but why not start as you mean her to go on.

Yup, I can see how the one who never hosts might say that

@RhubarbAndFlustered
@Ohffsbarbara

Thank you both. And can you imagine this when she starts seeing boys?!

It’s bizarre. She can pay for her own bus fare, she’s taking the piss.

This.

Their finances don't really come into it in Scotland. Every child gets a Young Scots card issued usually through primary school that includes free bus travel for all kids under 21. At 14 she would have just missed the free travel part of the card (free travel was introduced a year or two ago) but all you do is get the updated one which is really simple and can be done online or in the council offices/local library etc. if they're struggling for a bus fare then they could and should have the card.

I think you've overstepped here. I get you want to protect your daughter from being taken advantage of but she needs to learn what that looks like herself. You stepping in and stopping her from paying a friend's bus fare is jumping the gun. If it was the third time your daughter had paid her bus fare then fair enough but I think paying for things like this is what friends will do for each other some times. It isn't of itself - as a one off - a big piss take. Would you really never pay for something for a friend under any circumstances?

I would have made a mental note to keep an eye on things and make sure it wasn't a pattern. If it became a pattern I'd sit my daughter down and have a chat about my concerns rather than take control of the situation. You want her to learn to use her own judgement.

Have to say as annoying as it can be if sleepovers aren't reciprocated or even appreciated by the other parent, I've never taken it out on the kid themselves.

Many friendships have ended over principles.
pity, really.

@JMSA "CurlewKate
I'm afraid that you lost me at the "no invitation extended to my dd" Can't be doing with tally keeping.

Yup, I can see how the one who never hosts might say that "

Really? I would assume the one who never hosts would keep their mouth shut.

My DS is 16 and him and his mates regularly pay for stuff for eachother. Maybe the other girl isn't given money for things like non school buses?

I understand you are worried about your daughter doing all the work in this friendship but you have to decide how to support her if she's struggling to make friends. I know my DD really didn't have close friends for a while at primary and I feel guilty looking back that I didn't do enough to help her.

I don’t think I’d want my dd to have to travel to town just to meet her, it doesn’t make much sense. If they were going round the shops in the afternoon or whatever, then coming back to yours it would be different.
I wouldn’t be too fussed about the bus fair, but how is she getting home again? Who’s paying that fare? Will that happen every time?
I really used to try to accommodate my ds friendships but piss taking mothers like these annoy me so much, it sounds like it’s going to be all take and one sided, and it gets very wearing. I would also expect a thank you, or a message to check if the sleepover is ok.

So, it sounds like the mum’s controlling and your daughter realises this and is therefore willing to go the extra mile to ensure her friend can come over. I would have appreciated a friend like that at the same age. I may have gone to a private school but at 13, I was only on 50p pocket money a week and my mum wouldn’t have let me get a free bus pass either. She would drive and drop me and then sit somewhere close by until I was ready to come home. If she was busy, I just couldn’t do it. She often also made me feel guilty for wanting to go out, instead of staying home, doing the chores and looking after my much younger brother. By 17yrs old, I was so used to coming up with all sorts of excuses to say no to friends when they asked if I wanted to come over or go out, some of them would call my mum directly to arrange it because they worked out that she never wanted to look like she was the one blocking it.

Something similar may be happening here or it could be completely different…you never know what is going on behind closed doors.

I’d welcome the fact that your daughter is willing to help and use the time this kid is over to gently work out what the situation is at home. By my late teens, I had a few friends whose homes were a sanctuary and I’m so glad their parents supported that rather than judged it.

I get that you want to protect your daughter and you should do that.

You do seem to have made some judgements about the other girl. One of my friends went to a private school on scholarship. Her family were ridiculously poor. On the bus card front do they know about it? There was also a thread in here yesterday about bus drivers confiscating these cards if they have slight damage.

I think your spider senses are probably right but maybe don’t assume things about the other family?

Also at 14 I wouldn’t expect interactions with the other parent and definitely no rally on invites. I get where you are coming from but teenage relationships are so up and down you need to go with the flow.

I think your daughter sounds like a true, kind friend. You should trust her actions and be proud you raised a big hearted girl.

@JMSA "However no one can persuade me otherwise about the bus fares. It's grabby and weird"
Says the woman who counts sleepovers.

Your are right to be teaching your lonely daughter not to 'buy' friendships, or she will become that person who gets taken advantage of by CF's all her life.

It doesn't matter why her friend is expecting a lift or to have the bus fare paid, and it's irrelevant that it's only £3. What matters is that your daughter needs to know it's ok not to feel so needy and desperate for friends she has to do this.

There is a thread running right now by a woman who has realised she's been subbing a friend for 10 years. Years of paying for drinks, cocktails taxi's and prosecco for someone who has never even bought the OP a coffee yet has just had a £1600 holiday. The OP feels like a right mug.
(See "Is she a sponger or am I being too harsh?")

My friends and I treated each other all the time at that age. Some of us had more money than others at different times, no-one was using anyone.
It's not like she's buying her expensive gifts, they are trying to spend time together.

Thats what i was thinking

I do get where you’re coming from with the principle but really at 14, I think you need to butt out on these sorts of matters. Kids don’t make the exact right choice all the time and you have to allow for that- especially when the only thing at stake is a couple of quid.

I was talking from the point of view that not all privately educated kids come from wealthy families. The OP already said she hadn't applied for the bus pass so didn't have one.

YANBU

So on another thread we have enforced egg hunting or it's stocks and chains and this thread we have a parent interfering in their daughters friendship arrangements.
If your daughter has £3 let her spend it how she sees fit. Then you blame her decision making on suspected ADHD.
Then to cap it off slag the other parent off in the process.

Children grow up, sometimes you have to just flex and let them go especially at 14. They don't see the world how adults see it. They see it without the social nuances of our own experiences.

I can see why you would be concerned about the principle and why you would be concerned that you daughter isn't taken advantage off, however, I would have personally allowed her to get on with it at her age. I would have taken her aside after and had a chat with her about friendships and not trying 'too hard'. She's not a child anymore and she needs to make her own mistakes to some extent.