Kids in changing room at gym

[Snowypony]

Yesterday I was running late for my aqua gym class

i already had my swimming costume on under my clothes

i I ran in the changing rooms and there was a boy in there who was taller than me

i didn’t have time to question the Mum - he had clearly started puberty. He watched me get changed which left me very uncomfortable

i I got in the pool and my friend saw I was a bit upset and asked why. I explained and said the boy was about 12. There are no changing rooms at my gym - it’s just benches so you have to get naked when changing

my friend went over and spoke to the Mun who got really angry and said he’s entitled to be in there he’s only 11

when I got out they’re left but I still went and complained to the gym staff.

I don’t have a ds only dd so I’ve never had this issue. But is it reasonable to expect an 11 year old to use their own sex changing room?

@MyMotherThouArt complain.

Single sex spaces are just that. Single sex.

@MyMotherThouArt Is there really not also a radar key toilet?

In the case of the disabled toilet being out of order I would take DS into the gents toilets before taking him into the ladies. I would shout in first to check but me being in the gents is less likely to cause upset than him being in the ladies.

neither is ideal obviously but to me that would be the least bad solution.

That’s lucky.

At our local shopping centre (which is also where the post office/optician/eateries/food shopping places are) has the only accessible toilet at the far end of the women’s bathroom- so you have to walk past all the toilet cubicles to get to it (and when you do it has someone who will ‘only be a minute’ in it but that’s a different issue).

There might be one in the mens too- I’ve never looked.

The Liverpool world museum is the same if the lift is out of order/full/ unavailable (which is commonly is).

Unless they have changed bewilderwood in Cheshire, the accessible toilets there aren’t actually wheelchair accessible, but the women’s are (again I didn’t check the mens).

Its actually common to have these issues.

No! We used to go 10 minutes walk away to m&s because they did, but it’s just shut down.

Debenhams also did but obviously they closed.

Macdonalds have a radar toilet but it’s positioned so that I can’t actually access it in my power chair (it might be ok if you have a more slimline chair but I can’t use one of those).

And if there are girls the same age as the boy in the female changing room does the boy trump the girl every time?

And while I’m complaining my child goes to the toilet on the floor, because he can’t wait while I bugger about getting in the one working lift to find a staff member and persuade them to change the set up.

@MyMotherThouArt My DH does not use a powered chair which may be why we do not have these issues. I think the standards for accessible toilets were drawn up before power chairs were common.

Sadly for many places accessible facilities is nothing more than a box ticking exercise. Even when ds was in a child’s wheelchair there were plenty of toilets we had trouble getting into. Let alone with any sort of specialist chair like many need.

and that’s before going into the lack of changing place facilities!

I think a disabled child having to use the toilet with a parent if there wasn’t an accessible one available is completely different to changing facilities. My daughter wouldn’t be naked in there for a start.

@Sirzy we don't have too many problems. Although I have had to dump bins for nappies in corridors as they make it impossible to turn the wheelchair. Changing places facilities are very scarce and I used to have to get DS to lie down on the floor.

@MyMotherThouArt no one is suggesting your DC goes to the toilet on the floor but you can't consent on behalf of other women and girls is the point.

I would ask the staff to temporarily close the male facility whilst you take him in to use that one instead.

@MyMotherThouArt Is he quite young anyway? or is it that you both use wheelchairs and that is why you struggle? If the latter I agree disabled facilities are only set up for one wheelchair.

@Sirzy @NoisySnail I use a big power chair, and ds has multiple disabilities (asd/adhd as well as physical disability which affects his stomach/digestive system)- when we need a bathroom we don’t have time to mess about and we need space.

The failings of accessibility are outrageous, and it’s more often than not women who suffer because it’s usually mothers dealing with disabled children (since it’s women that do the majority of all childcare), and then women who suffer because their spaces aren’t safe from males.

Better accessibility would benefit all women.

He is just turned 10- we have a genetic condition (I didn’t know until after I had him that it was genetic, and he is more severely affected than me).

So don’t have to get two wheelchairs in (yet) because he is still small enough to sit on my knee… it’s going to be a bigger problem soon- I need some sort of wheelchair buggy board thing really or it will mean 2 wheelchairs and the end of me and him going out alone.

This.

So he can't go to the toilet alone? He needs your help.

Yes, and that’s a fine idea, I’m not against it (even though I’m face level with the disgusting urinals) But there isn’t always time-

to get to the toilet

Discover it isn’t accessible

find a member of staff (which can take time when I’m in a wheelchair so relying on lifts, and dragging a disabled child with me)

Explain the issue (which they may or may not agree with)

then providing they agree, all get back to the toilet. If they don’t agree then finding a manager etc.

clear out the men/boys who are in there (some of whom may be disabled because that’s where the disabled toilet is, so won’t be able to be quick/hurry)- and providing non of them kick off at being asked to leave.

With the best will in the world my son could easily have vomited/had diarrhoea in that time.

No, he can’t go alone.

Can’t change alone either (but there is good provision for that at our local pools).

That is going to become a bigger issue as he gets older. If he can still sit on your knee you can get away with going to women's toilets at the moment. When he is a 16 year old it will be harder.
I used to have to take DS into women's toilets when he was a teenager. He was obviously severely disabled and there were few disabled toilets then. I would get stares but I had no alternative.

I would try and establish agreements with places you go to regularly, because this will only get harder as he gets a lot older.
I know a few disabled parents, but I think it is unusual to have a parent who can only use a wheelchair and a disabled child who also needs a wheelchair and help going to the toilet. Which is why there are no facilities for it. Every parent I have met who is disabled so can not walk or only a few steps, has had a child with no or fairly minor disabilities. It must be quite tough for you as a parent.

I could definitely get away with it now, but I don’t want to because it isn’t reasonable from anyone’s point of view- there should be accessible toilets that are actually accessible!

I do take him if they have seen fit to put the accessible cubicle in the gendered toilets and there isn’t any realistic chance of getting all the men out of their toilet in time- they don’t have to leave because I ask them to unfortunately. And I can’t be guarding the door against more coming into the urinals while also being in the toilet cubicle with my son. There aren’t always staff to be found to sort out the problem.

Hopefully anyone who isn’t happy will complain, if able bodied women complain as well as disabled women then it puts more pressure on the places to get their shit together.

Turn shout on to the men's you are coming in to help your disabled son.

Why is it not OK to inconvenience the men in the men's toilet but you think it's OK to inconvenience the women?

Genetic things run through families so I wouldn’t think it’s ultra rare, although I haven’t met another either.

If/When he does- I genuinely am looking for somewhere/someone that can build me a contraption to meet our needs as he grows, otherwise we will have to stop going out just the two of us because he will need a manual chair.

I am a bad tempered stubborn bugger- I refuse to just stay at home and limit our lives any more than is absolutely necessary.

I will continue to make a fuss about toilets and avoid the shopping centre as much as possible!

Toilets are different... they are essential (and time critical). I don't know anyone who would object to a male disabled child, or a male carer with a disabled adult woman, using womens toilets if they were the only accessible ones.