To think more people WFH with DC than let on

[Thorts]

NC. Will preface this: I’m pregnant, and I’ve worked in the early years sector for lots of years. I cannot imagine working from home with a young child, even one who sleeps a lot, unless it is an absolute emergency and even then I can imagine work suffers or you end up making the hours back up late at night. Despite this I can totally understand why people do and would never judge anyone for it, you do what you have to do. The cost of childcare being the main reason and then the availability of it. Some providers didn’t have space until my DC would be nearly two and I was enquiring less than a week after finding out I was pregnant.

Reading some older threads on here, people seem to share my view or have stronger opinions about why it’s wrong to WFH with a young child.

However, my experience of what people do IRL (might just be among those I know) is vastly different. I know a handful of people in various professions who admit to either them WFH or their partner working from home with the child there, for at least one day a week, to help cut costs down. Even my DM who always worked a hybrid position used to work from home whilst me and my sister were very young and said she just managed it and enjoyed the flexibility!!!

AIBU to think it actually happens a LOT more in real life than people are happy to admit?

Me and DH both WFH on Friday and don't always have childcare for our 15 month old.

Tbh with me it's less about the cost and more about spending more time with her. I miss her sooo much during the week!

Both our jobs are relaxed on a Friday. She naps 3 hours in the afternoon, so I work all that time. My DH gets up early and does a few extra hours 6am-9am. He doesn't have calls but watches her while I do my calls.

Then we both catch up after 7pm, as our DD goes to sleep then, if there's anything we haven't finished for the day. But tbh that's rare.

It's very doable for us. But our jobs are intense Mon-Thursday, and I do do more on a Thursday - late hours - to deliberately have a quieter Friday.

Tbh I'd struggle to work with a DC just me, but with my DD who sleeps a lot, and a husband to juggle with, it's definitely doable one day a week.

We've both just been promoted too, so work isn't suffering at all.

I think if it's one day a week and there are two of you, it absolutely can work - we do it when one of them is unwell and with a bit of tag teaming and working into the evening, catching up on another day it can be ok.

It's not my personal preference - instead we went for a formal flexible working pattern with compressed hours - we both preferred to have it more clear cut when we were or weren't working, but it's personal preference.

But I assume you don't think it would be doable 5 days a week

When DC were little and one got sent home ill, which with the place they were in was often because they dared to cough I sometimes resorted to having them sitting on my knee with Peppa pig playing on one monitor and working on the other.

Not ideal, but better that then getting absolutely nothing done at all.

Now they are a bit older quite often they are kicking around the house at holidays and stuff when I'm working. As long as I get stuff done, it's fine.

Yes, i think more people do it than admit it. I also think more people go to school events and keep themselves off of yellow on teams then met on.

I think parents struggle to balance work with childcare costs and work life balance, despite it being easier that it once was with WFH. This is why they do these things.

No, you aren't doing both at exactly the same time. It is physically impossible to be fully engaged with your child and actively working at the same time. Stop pretending that you have somehow cracked the ability to do this.

Your DH is not working when he's swimming with your DC. You are not working when you're at the park or on a walk (unless you are on a call etc in which case you aren't a fully engaged parent during this time). If you're feeding your child or helping him with a puzzle then you're either not working or you are not really focussed on your child at all during this time.

I believe presenteeism can exist not only in the workplace but also in parenting. Being a bum on a seat and a responsible adult to 'watch' the child isn't the same as actively parenting a child and engaging properly. I am not criticising your particular setup as I have no idea about the practicalities and what goes on, but what I don't like is the implications that you are somehow a superior human being that can master the impossible. You are making compromises and choices like everyone else. Personally I wouldn't be happy with WFH with a young child as I think the compromises are too much and the child will most often lose out.

Honestly I don't think there's a black and white answer to this. Jobs are so different and children are so different.

I've wfh for years. Around/ with/without kids.

Women have always worked around kids.

My career hasn't suffered.

Interesting that all those for it are focusing on being able to do their job, but not talking about being able to adequately look after their children.

My kids are doing great thanks @helpfulperson

No definitely not doable 5 days a week, nor on my own. But between both of us for one day it works fine.

It's very doable for us. But our jobs are intense Mon-Thursday, and I do do more on a Thursday - late hours - to deliberately have a quieter Friday..

Out of curiosity - why not just formalise this pattern with work and get it signed off that you work 5 days compressed into 4.5 or even 4? I found this much more pleasant - I can stick my out of office on and just not think about work

I would assume that most people who have to do this are, in fact, providing a decent enough level of care and not just letting the kids raid the knife drawer.

LIfe isn't perfect, sometimes compromises have to be made. Parents who don't have to balance WFH with childcare occasionally will still, y'know, leave the kids to their own devices to do chores or whatever.

Personally, I wouldn't choose to do it with small children, because my job is quite reactive, and often needs complex problem solving at short notice.

I try to avoid it with my 6+ yo children, but do occasionally. Normally, it's when I was meant to finish at 3 (my finish time), and am still working at 4.30. So if that's fine, then doing the same at odd holiday day is also fine, IMO.

There is a real lack of childcare locally - if there was an after school club I would work full time. If I didn't have a bit of flexibility I would need to cut my hours further.

A couple of generations ago, my 10yo would be coming home to an empty house with a latch key instead.

Can only speak with my experience - both me and DH only WFH on a Friday, have 1 toddler DC and go without childcare that day... But my DD seems very happy to chill at home after four days of busy childcare.

I've started taking her to the park for an hour in the morning before my work starts though, so she can see some nature before coming back and chilling.

She literally takes an hour in her high chair to sit and eat her food - and now refuses to let me feed her. That's for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

If I wasn't working I'd just be sitting there watching her slowly eating for that time. I don't want to distract her while she's learning to feed herself. She also naps for three hours during the afternoon.

I realise not all DC are this easy - but honestly there's a lot of downtime while looking after her.

Some are

But many employers are embracing modern ways of working and extending wfh and hybrid because they know it is good for recruitment and retention.

If staff are taking the 'mickey' then good management and culture should address this. No need to make backwards steps for all employees.

I'm really not sure how I am presenting myself as superior? My work is fine and my child has two parents lovingly engaged with him.

I dont think I am the only person capable of this, there have been a number of others on this thread doing the same. I haven't cracked some code. I am lucky that DH is able to do the same and we share a day with our son whilst also doing well at work

You seem weirdly obssessed with somehow proving I am shit at my really easy pointless job and failing my DS and sadling him with terrible parents who are somehow scarring him for life for wanting to spend a day with him.

I know loads of people who do it. As long as you're getting the work done, who cares.

Depends on the job and if the work is getting done. I do this but I work for myself so I can

I might do this in future. Possibly when we have our next DC, as I don't think we will manage a day WFH with two little ones.

We do have parents in my team who have official flexible working policies in place - barely in the office and do their work around school hours. However I have seen these people's progression halt. One just got turned down for a promotion.

Maybe I'm being too worried about it, but everyone in our office WFH on Fridays, so I'm no different - and I also get all my work done, have just been promoted and seen as the same as everyone else. I feel like having a more formalised flexible 4 long days agreement might mean I don't progress as quickly.

Maybe I'm wrong though.

I do in the sense that I have the flexibility to work 5am-9am, then 7pm-11pm when I have a childcare issue rather than the traditional working hours. Knackering and not a long term plan but if you have a similar flexibility it is possible.

Anyone suggesting they can be sole care of a toddler and working at the exact same.time is lying though

It will depend on your industry.

We have both had several promotions but I think it helps that we haven't dropped down to 2-3 days or anything and that we are flexible when required - e.g. I worked my non working day this week for something important and arranged childcare

We do it, but very rarely. Realistically there isn’t much DC can do aside from crafts, watch film, bit of easimaths/reading, playing, trampoline. 6-8 hours of that is alot. If we have had loads of activities then DD is wiped out so will happily have a quiet day and leave us to it. We have breaks of course, getting snacks/drinks an hour for lunch to play. We don’t have to report to anyone as such, trusted to manage a workload/delegate.
Neither of us have contact with the public when wfh. DH is a Finance Director and I lead an intelligence/fraud team.

I am not obsessed with anything of the sort. I never described your job as easy or pointless and I never said you were bad at it. I also didn't suggest you were terrible parents or scarring him for life. You have manufactured all of that.

You have responded to my post where I said that WFH with young children was unfair on the kids because they are often left to their devices too much and aren't taken out of the house enough. You then used the example of your Friday where you and your DH take presumably hours out of the working day to take him swimming or to the park and how there might be a little screen time peppered in there but also plenty of interaction. I stand by my assertion that during these days you either are understating how much independent time your child has or you are spending a lot of time not working. I don't know about your personal setup, the agreement that you have with your employer and how much work you cram into the rest of the week so it is totally possible that you can have a more 'flexible' Friday that isn't reflective of the rest of the week but then this is a bit niche in the whole WFH with kids discussion. Most people won't have employers that are happy for them to spend this amount of the working day focussing on their child and not actually working. Parents attempting to adopt your Friday schedule everyday of the week will run into all kinds of problems, both at work and with their child.

I worked for someone who during lockdown had an almost one year old at home. He slept and ate and she got work done during his nap times but as he got nearer to one he was more active and then I’d find she was offline or she’d have to go to see to him in the middle of our work call. When he was just after one years old she sent him to nursery as she knew the people she worked with/for knew she worked with a baby but could see her mind wasn’t on her work with him around. I don’t know why she was allowed to do this in the first place. Then I work with others who are “offline” or “away” from 3pm. They say they come back to work later or in the evenings but how many do?

My direct report works from home when essential with a 7yo.
She gets the job done but is frequently absent for quick fire questions over teams.
I WFH when I have to with an under 2 yo. I.e, Ill and can't go to nursery.

I'm lucky that my employer is very flexible and understanding. However. I am beyond stressed on those days. I am NOT ad productive, and I am a shite parent.

I can see why the odd day would work with older kids, but not under 6/7 min in my profession.

But there’s getting the work done or getting the work done and effectively. A few parents I know do the work but not much else. One DM I know right now for the past year, her son has been diagnosed with a stomach condition which she has and requires hospital visits. She works for central government so luckily can get the time off work (it’s a lot) but she used to work for a private corporate company and wants to do that again as it’s more money and her ex SO (and father of her kids doesn’t pay maintenance) nor does he see his DC etc. I tried to tell her nicely, a private corporate company will not be happy offering a hybrid working model as well as allowing you endless time off (and not making it up) or having to rush home to your child (he’s 12). I get the feeling she’ll try to wing her job if she get a new one outside government.