To feel like I'm 'lesser' than others for living in a very small house?

[VenusPlanet]

I live in a very middle class area.
But my house is one of the few that are very small. Tiny.
And I feel bad about it in comparison to others in my area that are living in much bigger, much more expensive houses.
It's an awful feeling.
I'm really sociable by nature but I never invite any friends round because all my friends live in big 4 or 5 bedroom detached houses and I'm embarrassed for them to come to mine. I have a mix of my own long term friends, and lots of mum friends who live in my area that I've made friends with from school, and every one of them lives in a large detached home, and lots of them are planning large kitchen extensions with bifolds when their kitchens are already 4 times the size of mine to start with, many of them have lovely loft conversions to create another room with ensuite, and some of them have second homes on top of this too.
My DD has made a new friend, we both got invited round for a playdate, sat in their colossal sized kitchen and the mum told me all about how they'd put a huge extension on the back of their house and created an extra bedroom with en suite in their loft "because the kids are only going to get bigger", but they already had a big house to begin with.
Then I went to collect my DS from a friend's house a few weeks ago, Ahh I thought as I walked in, at last, a house that is the same size as mine......only for the mum to greet me with the news that they are having a 6 metre rear extension and a loft conversion "because the size of this house (the same size as my house) is much too small for a family of 4". Meanwhile I live in my same sized house as a family of 4.
My house measures 18 ft wide by 25 ft deep. That's the whole footprint. My kitchen is tiny. We have no hallway. The 3rd bedroom is a tiny box room measuring 6ft wide by 9 ft.
Our next door neighbour, who we are joined on to, have a humongous rear extension, it's honestly huge, and now they are getting a double story side extension as well because "The kids are both getting bigger now (they're both in KS1 at primary school) so we need more space". They are a family of 4 like us, living in an already extended house making it much bigger than ours, yet they still think their house needs further extension.
A neighbour up the road has had a massive double story side extension to create a 4th bedroom and bigger kitchen.
A mum friend, whose house is way bigger than mine and detached with a huge garden etc., has a kitchen that is not that much bigger than mine, I mean it is about 50% bigger than mine, but not 4 times the size like other friends kitchens are. Yesterday we met up and she announced they're getting a big rear extension because of their "poky little kitchen" which will become a utility room and the 5 metre extension will become their new kitchen. But their 'poky' kitchen is bigger than mine. So why say this to me?
We will never, ever be in the position to extend, or move to a bigger house.
We could have bought a bigger, more spacious house, in a cheaper area. But we put lots of consideration in to location, and decided to buy a small house in a very expensive area that's a wonderful location.
But I didn't expect to get these feelings of unworthiness about how small our house is compared to everyone else's.
If they've all got huge houses or are getting their similar sized homes massively extended, then they must look at us in sympathy, surely? And I hate that thought, i really do.
A very old friend from childhood bought a house the same size as our house, at the same time, in a different area. After 2 years they moved up the ladder and bought a much bigger house. Recently she came round to visit with her kids and asked "Have you got any plans to move to a bigger house?" almost in a feeling sorry for me way. "No" I replied bluntly. I thought "We're struggling enough trying to pay the mortgage on this house! Let alone a bigger mortgage on a bigger house!".
Another old friend from Uni sat on my sofa moaning about the small size of her house and how they're looking to move because they can't cope with the size of their house, she currently lives in a house much bigger than mine, has the same sized family, same age kids, and she sat and moaned about the lack of 5 bedroom detached houses available in her area and how they are going to have to reluctantly settle for a 4 bedroom detached house instead, and she looked really genuinely fed up about it. I was incredulous and thought "How can you sit there moaning about your big house when you are sitting in my house which is half the size of the house you currently live in and are moaning about it being too small?!".
A mum friend came to collect her child from a playdate at our house, I was in the kitchen making her a cup of tea, and she stood in my kitchen and said "How on earth do you manage in such a small kitchen? There's only enough room for 1 person in here!".
Another mum friend came round to see me when I was ill, offered to make me and her a cup of tea, which she did, then gave it to me and said "Actually when I was making our tea I realised that there is actually space to make dinner" I was too ill to respond but I had never, ever mentioned my kitchen to this friend. Never. It was as though she'd been having a conversation in her own head about it, or as though she'd been having a conversation with someone else about my kitchen.
And another mum came round to collect her child from a playdate, and was head swivelling all over the place looking at my home. She didn't say anything. I don't know her well. But I do know that she was staring at every inch of my home in every direction in rather an exaggerated way, and I do know that she lives in a double fronted detached house with multiple rooms.
So all of this makes me feel like crap for underachieving in terms of my affordability to buy a bigger, seemingly thought of by others as what would be thought of as a 'better', house.
Am I going mad to be bothered by living in a small house and interpeting that as feeling bad about myself and feeling bad for my children that I haven't given them a big house to grow up in?
Why am I coming up against such house snobbery from people when they come to my house?
I never mention my house size, or anything about it, to anyone! I don't even comment on it to others!
My children have started making comments about how big their friends houses are when they get invited round to play, in a matter of fact way, but even they are noticing how much bigger other friends houses are compared to ours.

Once you learn the art of not giving a fuck life is easier

It is bloody boring when all anyone can talk about is house extensions though. I stopped going to one playgroup when the kids were small as it was the main topic of conversation. Yawn. My house is small, my friends all vary, some are absolutely loaded but don't spend their time wanging on about it because they're interesting people with social skills. You might just be in a particularly 'keeping up with the joneses' area. See the programme Grayson Perry did on the 'new rich'.

It's mumsnet so all threads lead to class!

Well you led it there, and actually social skills are being able to converse on all matters not display inverted snobbery and proclaimed boredom because someone is discussing extending.

You have a home. Your so called friends seem to be pretty rude and unsubtle. Also lacking in life experience if they've never entered a house that isn't practically a mansion.
Where I live there's a mix of social housing and private, all side by side, sometimes on top of eachother. I'd never judge someone for the size of their home.
In fact the neighbour round here with the biggest house isn't really envied or admired, more a bit of curiosity.
I'm very lucky indeed to have somewhere to live. Many people do not. I've visited families in a 2 bed with 10 people. I've had friends who were homeless. I'd never judge any of them.

I know this feeling, OP, my house isn’t much compared with some friends’ houses. It also needs some TLC right now (rooms need repainting, etc.). I’m trying not to care and make it nicer-but it is hard when you walk into someone else’s mansion!

Sorry agree with other comments, you sound obsessed. You really need to try to appreciate what you have. So many people can't afford to buy anything now. Try to think of the advantages of a smaller home. Large houses are often a money pit and so much more upkeep. Some people do drone on about extensions etc. I'm always very careful to not be like that. I find it so boring hearing about other people's house plans.

I did lead it there, because it's relevant.

Yes exactly- conversing on all subjects is what I do with friends and acquaintances now- it's great. Have you really never met anyone who can only show off about their home improvements? There are plenty out there. Some of them sound as if they were pretty rude to OP. It's all very well pps trotting out 'comparison is the thief of joy' but if its what you're surrounded with socially it does get you down. As well as being deadly dull.

Families living in massive houses can end up living like strangers.

I have a friend who lived in a huge house in grounds. It should have been the dream but she was bloody miserable. She's much happier in a flat just her and the kids.

You need to make your peace with the decisions you have made.

The house should be adequate for your needs rather than wants.

Personally I think all this massive kitchen, adding extensions so you can have a big empty area with a plant in it, is just to keep us working.

I live in a small house. If I worked full time or paid a mortgage until I'm 60 then I could afford bigger and better.

But we are happy here and I see no point paying more for something I'll then be in less.

Maybe you just need a bit of cheap decorating, a good clear out and some new storage to love it again?

Anyone who looks down on you is not a friend. I bet that many of these big house/extension people are high up in debts.

I was always the kid in the smaller house - went to private school on an assisted place - poky semi detached vs huge, huge houses. If I’m honest it did bother me as a kid, felt a bit inferior and was a bit jealous! It didn’t impact friendships though and never got the impression my parents cared. Now I have kids of my own and we are the ones in the huge house (due to inheritance and moving to a cheaper area of the country). My (primary) school mum friends live in smaller houses - and I have to say in the other side of the fence I literally don’t care a jot about the size of someone’s house, would not judge them for it. Nor do my kids - they are more bothered about which toys the children have and always want to go to other people’s houses…🤷‍♀️. To be honest if I was going to judge (being honest) I would if the house was filthy, there were no books etc…smoking indoors, not size of house though

Do you look on others in pity if they don’t have what you have? Do you look at single people with pity? Those without children or with only one? Those who don’t own a car or have a smaller car than yours? Those who live in a less desirable location? If you don’t look at others with pity, why think others will do the same as you? If you do look at others with pity then why don’t you accept others will do the same to you and that nobody has the perfect life?

OP I live in a big house in a shit area. I think your priorities were bang on when you bought your house and you should take pride in that. In order to rectify my mistake I'll be taking on a much bigger mortgage into my 70s, but the schools here are beyond awful and I can't bear it anymore in general.

Make the active decision to enjoy YOUR life. Cultivate a feeling of gratitude at the family YOU are raising. Instil that in your children. You will all be better off for it.

As long as your house is clean, not too untidy, and doesn't smell (of old food or cigarettes, for example) no-one will care about the size. You're overthinking it.

Our house is small, but the mortgage was paid off 10 years ago, so it's ours. I couldn't give a toss about what anyone else has got. My place is clean, tidy, welcoming.

The length of your post indicates that much of this is either a) all in your head or b) you're hanging out with the wrong people. Small houses don't harm people, unstable ones do. Be glad you have a roof over your head, and absolutely aspire to bigger if you need it, but there are so many people living in tents and absolute squalor atm. A house is a good thing.

My house is tiny, I would love a third bedroom, even a box room. So I am afraid I didn’t read your whole post because it seems the tiny house you are complaining about is bigger than mine… it’s all relative.
Someone once said to me that what matters is your DC are loved and the house has a peaceful, loving atmosphere the DC are happy to call home. When I hate my house and feel bad for not being on top of the garden etc., I remember that this is the space my DC grew up in/are growing up in and it has so many happy memories. It is warm and dry, there is food on the table and they have clothes and things for their hobbies etc in it. and it has seen so much laughter and fun and all their milestones.
And the other thing I think is that many, many people live in smaller (and more chaotic) houses than me. I would not dream of judging them for it, so why am I judging myself?!?
I do things I like in my house - like put flowers in the window and plants in the garden. And it’s where I close the door and no-one comes in if I don’t want them to.
Look at what you do have, not what you don’t.

People definitely judge, you can’t help that. What you do have the power to control is how much of a shit you give about what others think of you. Once you stop caring it’s absolutely liberating. Start inviting others over to yours rather than being ashamed.

Something I find helpful when I get into a “my house is tiny” mindset, is saying out loud all the things I’m grateful for and to encourage my kids to to the same. It’s so heartwarming to hear all the lovely things children say they’re grateful for that we take for granted. My children have never once said they want a bigger house.

I am the same. I feel deep shame about it, even though it goes against everything I stand for. I also haven't been able to invite any of my children's friends over due to this.

Children will remember the lack of friends over far more than they will remember a perceived small house.

If it helps your house is bigger than mine.

I honestly don't care. There's enough room for my family.

I think that’s so sad. Your children will grow up remembering they couldn’t have their friends round rather than it was small. Children don’t judge house size, that’s a purely adult occupation. And even then a minority. And anyone who does is an arsehole.

please fill your home with love happiness and friendship, and not shame and isolation. I promise all decent people don’t care about rhe size of your house.

How do you know it's a " perceived " small house? Going by that one comment. I was picked on for having a small home as a child.

Surely the answer is as the definition of a small house is subjective?

And I couldn't bring anyone over because my father was a bastard. If your kids are getting picked on, for any reason, they should be distanced from the bullies, not pretending your house is magically bigger.