To feel like I'm 'lesser' than others for living in a very small house?

[VenusPlanet]

I live in a very middle class area.
But my house is one of the few that are very small. Tiny.
And I feel bad about it in comparison to others in my area that are living in much bigger, much more expensive houses.
It's an awful feeling.
I'm really sociable by nature but I never invite any friends round because all my friends live in big 4 or 5 bedroom detached houses and I'm embarrassed for them to come to mine. I have a mix of my own long term friends, and lots of mum friends who live in my area that I've made friends with from school, and every one of them lives in a large detached home, and lots of them are planning large kitchen extensions with bifolds when their kitchens are already 4 times the size of mine to start with, many of them have lovely loft conversions to create another room with ensuite, and some of them have second homes on top of this too.
My DD has made a new friend, we both got invited round for a playdate, sat in their colossal sized kitchen and the mum told me all about how they'd put a huge extension on the back of their house and created an extra bedroom with en suite in their loft "because the kids are only going to get bigger", but they already had a big house to begin with.
Then I went to collect my DS from a friend's house a few weeks ago, Ahh I thought as I walked in, at last, a house that is the same size as mine......only for the mum to greet me with the news that they are having a 6 metre rear extension and a loft conversion "because the size of this house (the same size as my house) is much too small for a family of 4". Meanwhile I live in my same sized house as a family of 4.
My house measures 18 ft wide by 25 ft deep. That's the whole footprint. My kitchen is tiny. We have no hallway. The 3rd bedroom is a tiny box room measuring 6ft wide by 9 ft.
Our next door neighbour, who we are joined on to, have a humongous rear extension, it's honestly huge, and now they are getting a double story side extension as well because "The kids are both getting bigger now (they're both in KS1 at primary school) so we need more space". They are a family of 4 like us, living in an already extended house making it much bigger than ours, yet they still think their house needs further extension.
A neighbour up the road has had a massive double story side extension to create a 4th bedroom and bigger kitchen.
A mum friend, whose house is way bigger than mine and detached with a huge garden etc., has a kitchen that is not that much bigger than mine, I mean it is about 50% bigger than mine, but not 4 times the size like other friends kitchens are. Yesterday we met up and she announced they're getting a big rear extension because of their "poky little kitchen" which will become a utility room and the 5 metre extension will become their new kitchen. But their 'poky' kitchen is bigger than mine. So why say this to me?
We will never, ever be in the position to extend, or move to a bigger house.
We could have bought a bigger, more spacious house, in a cheaper area. But we put lots of consideration in to location, and decided to buy a small house in a very expensive area that's a wonderful location.
But I didn't expect to get these feelings of unworthiness about how small our house is compared to everyone else's.
If they've all got huge houses or are getting their similar sized homes massively extended, then they must look at us in sympathy, surely? And I hate that thought, i really do.
A very old friend from childhood bought a house the same size as our house, at the same time, in a different area. After 2 years they moved up the ladder and bought a much bigger house. Recently she came round to visit with her kids and asked "Have you got any plans to move to a bigger house?" almost in a feeling sorry for me way. "No" I replied bluntly. I thought "We're struggling enough trying to pay the mortgage on this house! Let alone a bigger mortgage on a bigger house!".
Another old friend from Uni sat on my sofa moaning about the small size of her house and how they're looking to move because they can't cope with the size of their house, she currently lives in a house much bigger than mine, has the same sized family, same age kids, and she sat and moaned about the lack of 5 bedroom detached houses available in her area and how they are going to have to reluctantly settle for a 4 bedroom detached house instead, and she looked really genuinely fed up about it. I was incredulous and thought "How can you sit there moaning about your big house when you are sitting in my house which is half the size of the house you currently live in and are moaning about it being too small?!".
A mum friend came to collect her child from a playdate at our house, I was in the kitchen making her a cup of tea, and she stood in my kitchen and said "How on earth do you manage in such a small kitchen? There's only enough room for 1 person in here!".
Another mum friend came round to see me when I was ill, offered to make me and her a cup of tea, which she did, then gave it to me and said "Actually when I was making our tea I realised that there is actually space to make dinner" I was too ill to respond but I had never, ever mentioned my kitchen to this friend. Never. It was as though she'd been having a conversation in her own head about it, or as though she'd been having a conversation with someone else about my kitchen.
And another mum came round to collect her child from a playdate, and was head swivelling all over the place looking at my home. She didn't say anything. I don't know her well. But I do know that she was staring at every inch of my home in every direction in rather an exaggerated way, and I do know that she lives in a double fronted detached house with multiple rooms.
So all of this makes me feel like crap for underachieving in terms of my affordability to buy a bigger, seemingly thought of by others as what would be thought of as a 'better', house.
Am I going mad to be bothered by living in a small house and interpeting that as feeling bad about myself and feeling bad for my children that I haven't given them a big house to grow up in?
Why am I coming up against such house snobbery from people when they come to my house?
I never mention my house size, or anything about it, to anyone! I don't even comment on it to others!
My children have started making comments about how big their friends houses are when they get invited round to play, in a matter of fact way, but even they are noticing how much bigger other friends houses are compared to ours.

This is making me thing of the kids' story "A squash and a squeeze"

That was exhausting to read. If that's all you have to worry about in life right now, lucky you!

Real friends won’t give a flying one how big your house is as long as it’s a nice welcoming place to visit. School parents are a different thing though and unfortunately you’re always going to get the ones who are obsessed with “keeping up with the neighbours”. You might have to deal with them being judgy when your DC’s friends visit but people like that are not worth you wasting your emotions/anxiety on, they are pathetically shallow and bigoted. For the record, I live in a one-bedroom housing association flat which I’ve made into a home I love and am proud of. I don’t give a shit if anyone judges me for where I live, it’s their problem.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Be proud of who you are x

Even if you had family money and won the lottery there would still be thousands of people who have a bigger house than you-this is always true.
You made a decision to move to an area you could only just afford, you must have realised that most of your neighbours would have more money than you.
What you didn't realise is that you are a person who is prone to be jealous of those around you ,probably because you feel inferior, and want to compensate by keeping up with them financially.
Sadly the truth is that you would still feel inferior in a larger house, it is you you need to work on, not the size of your house. You could move to a larger house, but there would still be plenty of people with larger ones-where does it end?
You really don't need or want to be friends with people you feel look down on you-so why worry?
Your children will be happier the more you are present, rather than having bigger rooms-you definitely don't want to pass this "keep up with the Jones's" attitude to your children-it will make them miserable, just as you are miserable.
I'm afraid worrying about what other people think of you can only make you unhappy.
When you are happy with yourself, you will be happy with your life, and the choices you have made.

No one other than you is bothered by this. This is your problem and you are probably transmitting it to your children. You have friends who value you for you, not your house.

Why are you comparing? I think you are being oversensitive. What sort of people make comparative comments about your home?
My friends, family and colleagues don't give a fig about the differences in our homes and I don't either. BTW,.my home is significantly smaller than the majority of my friends and family. Remember that ' comparison is the thief of joy
Enjoy your home

The footprint of our house is 14ft by 21ft and when the cost of fuel went up I was glad it was this size.

gosh my house is 250 sq feet and no outdoor space at all (not even a yard) It's a wee cottage but I love it.. also one of the best views in England I reckon.. People deride until they visit and see the view.. I don't care.. easier to clean and no garden to worry about (work antisocial hours, am not green fingered but am surrounded my countryside and great walks.. by the ridgeway..)

Is 'comparison is the thief of joy' the new 'cancel the cheque'?

Who cares what others think? Let it go, you have a home and as long as it is a happy place that’s all that matters.

The only thing I ever get (internally) a bit judgey about is if a home is not clean. Untidy is fine, but unhygienic is not. However, if that's the way someone wants to live, it's none of my business. I certainly don't think the size of your house has anything to do with you as a person! Why waste your life being envious of other people? I know I'll never have what some of my friends have because I'm on a single income and live alone, no kids. Do they judge me on it? I very much doubt it and even if they do, I really couldn't give a shit! Don't waste your life on envy, OP.

I’m in an old terrace that was possibly a 2 up 2 down but over the years when the bathroom was added on and the kitchen etc they all became slightly bigger. They were built in the 1900s as miners houses and originally had no indoor plumbing etc but eventually over the years the plumbing was added, a kitchen was added then a bathroom over the kitchen etc. some on our street are 2 bed and some 3. All the same size though. Ours is 3. The 3rd is tiny. We can’t extend. It would look off if we went out the back anymore which is where all the bits were added on initially. We have the 1 bathroom. Younger just started high school and losing with a whole new group of kids mostly from the newer built houses at the other side of town. Mostly detached and huge. She’s been for a few sleepovers. Most of them have double beds. My poor DD can only just fit a single in hers. The difference in price though is at least £150k towards on what my house is worth (around £100k) and there’s absolutely no chance I’d ever afford to upgrade. My youngest does moan a lot as she’s in the small room. Eldest has a bigger room and doesn’t think we would ever need to move. Personally I’d just love a second loo!! This was bought as a stepping stone house initially and not a forever home however we got divorced and I had to go part time at work. So basically no chance to move.

I've not got a particularly big house, it is spacious but definitely not large. I have a dear friend who has a tiny home (ours is at least 3 times the size), much smaller than yours with 2 small bedrooms. So how do I feel about this? I'm actually a bit envious they are so happy in a smaller space and don't feel the need to go bigger and take on another mortgage. So no, please don't think anyone will judge you in that way, for me it really is complete being in awe of a family getting on so well together. My Mum shared a double bed with 2 sisters in one room. That bond must've been incredible. Having so much space to spend in different rooms sounds lovely on one hand but is it really the best thing? Zx

It's the size of the welcome you get thay matters when you host. That's what people will remember. If I'm invited and my friend is smiling when I arrive and offers me a slice of cake with my coffee I'm really happy. I don't notice clutter or untidy rooms either.

Honestly who cares? Part of the reason we’re all so unhappy is comparing ourselves to others. Maybe they all have mountains of debt

I know how you feel. We’re in the same situation. Im fed up of going on playdates where they live in £1m+ houses

we live in a tiny semi with 3 bedrooms. The third being more of a cupboard . There’s not really enough space for kids to play here.

everyone at our child’s school is wealthy. Im actually quite a high earner and we live in a very expensive town. But what they have is mind blowing

It seems sad that you are wasting your energy on worrying about this. Just enjoy what you do have for goodness sake. If you come across a judgmental ‘friend’ keep them at arms length, seek out genuine people who won’t give a fig about your house size. It all sounds so superficial.

I used to be in your position and it did feel shit at times, and I was renting the house too, so even more of a house gap. I moved to a less pricey area where there was none of that competitive extension stuff. I did feel much better not being surrounded by boastful people any more, and more appreciative of what I do have.

If you're that bothered then move to a cheaper area. Moaning about it here won't make your house bigger.

By your own admission you have chosen the upmarket area despite not having the income to have a large house in it, so naturally you are mixing with people with very large incomes in that area. I don’t think they are gloating they are just talking about their lives. Comparison is the thief of joy, you chose this area knowing what you could afford so you enjoy it or move elsewhere.

we are in a similar situation, in a two bed rental flat in an area with lots of people in large detached houses, kids are in a school with lots of well off kids, almost all their friends have their own rooms whereas ours are sharing a room at ages 7 and 9, which is also DH’s home office.

we we’re thinking to move on, perhaps buy somewhere further out, but DH is now unemployed so that’s off the table for now.

sometimes I feel shit about the airship and panic and feel I’m under providing for my kids. Especially after I’ve been to someone’s massive and fancy house, and they go on about their last holidays to the Seychelles.

Here are some things that help me when I feel that way:

• I think if all the people much much worse off than us. People in bad social housing, people in even smaller homes, people in refugee camps and war ones. I feel then ashamed of my own lack of perspective.

• I think of how lucky I am to have a job and be able to provide this home for my family when my husband is out of work. That makes me feel proud and grateful.

• I think about my childhood friend who literally lived in a mansion, and how one day it all blew up when it emerged her dad was a fraud and they went bankrupt and moved into a ring flat. Not that I didn’t feel bad for her, but it reminds me that things can always change and things aren’t always what they seem.

• I do things that strengthen my sense of achievement and identity. Like play music, do lots of extracurriculars for the kids, organise community activities, go on road trips, do family game nights. Make happy family memories which aren’t about material things.

• I save up so that one day, maybe much later than I’d have liked, but one day, we will be able to live in a bigger home.

• I make little changes to the flat, like rearrange furniture, paint a wardrobe, get a new shelf, things that makes the flat more organised and functional and beautiful, even if it’s small and a rental.

It is only human to feel the way you feel, but try not to obsess about your home, change your perspective and you’ll feel better.

good luck!

If people do look down on you, that shows them to be superficial and materialistic. Count yourself lucky to have a roof over your head! I live in a 2 up 2 down typical Victorian terrace and constantly receive snide comments from relatives, including one who called it bijoux. I don't care really. They may have pots more money, but I have better manners and consideration for others than them! People in poor countries who live on shacks would think your home is a palace, while others in this country are living on the streets or desperate for social housing. It's all relative. Perhaps spend your time focusing on being grateful for what you have, rather than lamenting what you don't. Perhaps ditch the friends who make you feel bad? They are not proper friends anyway.

I lived in a rather large house as a child . I never looked down on anyone who lived in a small house. My dm said the house was hard to keep warm ,a lot to clean and the council tax was extortionate (even back then).

Now I think huge houses are overrated. Although I'd like an extra bedroom/ bathroom I feel financially secure with the house we have.

Also, all these new extensions with bifold doors and whatever will likely look dated soon.

I feel the same OP. We are also family of 4 in a small 3 bed semi and all our friends live in big extended 4-5 bed houses. I'd love more space not to keep up with the Jones' but because we feel squashed in this house. My kids would love their own bedroom like all their friends and I'd like to not queue for the bathroom or be able to use my lounge when I like but we have to take turns as we watch/play different things. I can't host and I can't have family stay over.
All those people saying oh but it's more cleaning, well I'd happily do that if it meant more living space.