AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

It's not greedy it's to avoid multiple questions from others about what would you like as a wedding gift when you have 100 things to sort.

It's pretty normal to have some information about gifts either way even if it's to say we don't want gifts please donate to x charity if you wish etc!

It's not that people expect gifts it's just easier for people who wish to get gifts to be directed somewhere.

You're free not to care about the etiquette, or to think it's stupid or outdated, but to claim it doesn't exist and Is Not A Thing is daft. You shouldn't wear red to a Hindu wedding as a guest either.

so here @NonPlayerCharacter you do accept that some of us genuinely don’t care about what our guests wore?

how old are you?

Yes, I'm married. My wedding was traditional in some ways, and not in others.

I'm British but from a different culture, which I'm starting to think may have something to do with why I really can't get behind the resentment and bad feeling that seems to dog so many people. I like them and I enjoy giving a gift for them.

Late 30s. Why?

I absolutely don't believe that if someone had turned up in something absolutely left field or inappropriate that it would have had no impact. And I don't believe that you don't understand the purpose and effect of dress codes.

I remember this exactly. Before the wedding the bride would invite female friends and family to her house for a get together with afternoon or evening tea, cakes/drinks etc. It was called A Show of Presents. Not many had a Hen Night in those days plus nobody had a list with a store of what gifts they wanted, you just accepted and appreciated anything you got. Changed days now.

I haven't read the thread but every evening invitation Ive attended there has always been an evening bufet. Perhaps the reasoning is people go on drinks only nights out & they buy bar snacks, crisps etc so what's the difference. I dont agree with the decision not to privide a buffet set aside for evening invitations but I'd go along with it and bring snacks. As far as asking for honeymoon money, again I don't agree with it, nor do I like the idea of wedding gift lists but I suppose it saves wondering what to give.

Couple of things OP
Where are you in the UK? I've been to weddings all over and there is difference between Scotland and England etc. what I would say for a large wedding there will likely be a light buffet or hot filled roll with cake - think sandwiches etc

It's up to them! You're doing their wedding their way your doing your wedding your way. It is odd given the stage of live you seem to be at that you've never been to a wedding or you know nothing about them. I've been to weddings from a variety of religions etc and most you are actually expected to money - a present would be frowned upon/not expected. You've way over thought the evening guest bit - your just there for drinks and dancing and catching up with people you know

It's normal to give presents at weddings - anything different i.e charity donations etc are becoming more normal - it's whatever the couple want. Would you rock up at a 40th birthday with nothing in hand and an expectation of being fed? I got married over 10 years ago and we asked for money towards our honeymoon - saved the guests hassle of thinking what to get. We did get a few presents (and bottles which were very welcome) and tbh think most them broke or we never used them / liked them etc. my parents got married in the 80s and they've still got pots etc they got on their wedding day - a different time. Had kids not long after and the wedding day which seemed so important is just a nice memory as was the lovely honeymoon

Short is your thought out gift will be meaningless and prob get tossed eventually. So go with the idea of having fun or don't go at all - as someone said at my wedding said 'it was nice of you to invite me as I'm just a bit part player' was happy they came but they were right - it is what you make it

all the talk of you know how to “behave” and “etiquette”

it’s all rather jane austen

I never heard of that! Nobody I knew did it.

And I was married in 1974 😱.

Oh, well. As before, etiquette is a thing and exists for a reason. As I said, it can be outdated, and it's probably harder to establish these days for all manner of reasons, but it didn't spring out of nowhere. We do still have various social norms for the same reason.

yes

but you seem to think anyone saying they truly wouldn’t care about one of your “societal norms” (in my case what my guests wore to my wedding was. it remotely on my radar) is lying

for what reason does etiquette exist?

I don’t think @NonPlayerCharacter has said anything especially controversial. I think the super-chill crew would have noticed and cared very much if one of their guests had turned up in a wedding dress

I already explained. I'll do it again, quickly. The idea is to have an established practice so people know what to do in certain situations and won't cause offence or worry by wondering what was meant by doing this and what message you might be giving off by doing that. If you want to make sure that you're being polite and respectful, you follow the etiquette.

It can be outdated - it certainly changes with the times - but that's the general point of it.

I can tell that for some reason you don't like this, so I'm sorry for that, but it's not my fault. Etiquette exists, albeit in a constantly changing state, and that's why. Don't blame me.

Outside of Mumsnet it’s pretty standard to add gift registry’s or ask for money instead of gifts. I personally am always happy to put in some money into a card rather than look for suitable gifts but equally some people do bring gifts and that’s also fine. Maybe a £100 gift is excessive for an evening do invite. If I ever got married I’d rather have a late afternoon wedding and only one set of guests as many do seem to take offence at being invited to evening do only (I personally don’t take offence, and would go if local and I’m free). My brother had a wedding website for his first wedding 20yrs ago when it wasn’t that common to have one, was quite helpful actually

Despite what other people are saying this is totally normal. Giving the gift that you have already bought is fine, but lots of people look for ideas for gifts and so a registry is a really practical thing to have. If they've already stocked a house why not ask for money towards their trip? It's better than asking for upgrades of household items they already own imo. Re the evening catering, that is also totally normal. Most weddings have day guests that attend the ceremony, drinks, reception, meal and evening reception and then additional guests that are only invited to the evening reception where there are drinks, cake and a buffet. It's a nice idea to invite everyone to the whole day, but sometimes that's not practical depending on the number of friends/family you have and how many people the venue can accommodate.

OP, once you’re in your 40’s wrangling family life/career/elderly parents etc, you’ll be thrilled that invitations arrive with a wedding list that takes 5 min online and doesn’t involve extra work shopping, wrapping and most importantly thinking!
And from the bride and grooms perspective, they don't get a load of tat that is to other people’s tastes.
Hope you all have a good time at the evening reception.

You don't really get 'evening meals' that would be strange but a buffet or similar is usually provided at an evening do. Cash bars are standard in the UK, I would never expect drinks paid for.

Yes its always tacky to ask for money/gift though and it goes against all etiquette however you will get people who swear down its 'normal' and 'fine'. It says a lot about them to be honest.

Its not really that normal to give a gift as an evening guest, its more common to just buy the couple a drink.

I will say we host whole class parties every year for our kids and it has NEVER been for gift... its so our children can celebrate with their friends and all the kids are included (I am disabled and was left out of most things as a kid, I will never be the person that does that to other kids).

You do know that you’re not being forced to go right? An invitation gives you the choice to go if you want to. If you don’t want to pay to go to the wedding and you ‘resent’ paying then simply just don’t go 🙄 then you don’t need to worry about a gift either 🤷‍♀️

For our wedding we didn’t have a gift registry, some people asked us what we would like (mostly family) and we said money for the honeymoon, most people took the initiative that we already had a house we’d been living in for a few years (after already both having our own houses separately) so why would be need more household things. We got a few actual physical gifts (a wine carafe that hasn’t been out of the box for example 🤷‍♀️) but we mostly got either pounds or us dollars for our honeymoon. It meant we could book some extra trips and nice meals whilst we were there.

Haha yes this.

You've bulk bought something and are now cross it doesn't work for this occasion.

You've chosen to buy a new outfit and resent spending the money.

Wedding is an invite not a summons.

You don't have to contribute with a gift but the couple have said they don't want stuff.

Honeymoon fund isn't rude - it's practical and very very normal.

I had a similar attitude before I got married, but then my Mum pointed out that when you get married people want to give you gifts (including some people I'd never met like their friends from church, and my in-laws golf chums!) so you either have a gift registry that people can select things from, or you end up with a lot of stuff you don't need or want and/or you spend a lot of time answering the question 'what would you like as a gift?' You don't need to put a link to the registry in with the invitation, but it's sensible to have it for when people ask.

Honeymoon registries are normal.
Evening-only invites are normal.
Of course not everyone likes them though.
And it's not compulsory. I had people buy nothing, and others buy off-registry for my wedding.

If no registry is mentioned, I assume it's a coy request for cash.

Occasionally the invitation has explicitly said "no gifts", which I take literally and give nothing. Otherwise I think it's very rude not to gift something for a wedding.

I wouldn't give something worth £100 to someone who'd only invited me to the evening do! I'd say it's too much.