AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

It's quite normal to ask for money "towards the honeymoon" rather than for physical gifts. I wouldn't be offended by that.

But I don't think it's good manners to specify what any of your guests should wear unless they are in the wedding party and you are paying for their outfit, and I dislike evening only invitations. At most, evening only invitations should be for guests you're less close to such as work colleagues, and only for people who live fairly locally to the venue. It's really bad manners to ask someone to travel a long way and stay overnight for your wedding if you're not even going to pay for their dinner.

This wedding sounds a bit all fur coat and no knickers. Dress code for the guests so their photos look Instagram perfect, but skimping on basics like food and drink.

I think I'd have just said, "Sorry I can't make it, hope you have a lovely wedding."

You seem to have something of a cynical streak. You have jumped straight to the most uncharitable possible interpretation of the couple’s motivations. One might equally apply a similarly ungenerous interpretation to your plan to freeload a friends’ meet-up that you haven’t bothered to organise yourself and give them a generic gift that you’ve grabbed from a stash in the cupboard. I don’t actually think that’s what you’re doing, but see how it goes both ways?

Life is a lot happier when you generally take the default position that other people are usually more motivated by good intentions than bad. You’re in for a miserable time if you’re going to scrutinise every social invitation to work out the angle from which you are going to be screwed over.

I've bought outside of the registry but only for someone I know really well and I got her a painting.
People who bought outside of the registry for me got bog standard wedding gifts like photo frames, which I guess were regifted! I don't use photo frames so I think they have long been sent to the charity shop. I did get a vase which I used, but I had one on the registry which I would have preferred.
I never heard of only inviting people to part of weddings until I moved to this country. In your case I'd not go, but in the case of the present just give her what you got. I'm sure other people will have bought stuff instead of cash.

I don't think there's anything wrong with a dress code; it's fine to want a smart or casual do and how people dress affects the overall mood.

Specific requests like Harry Potter fancy dress or something...Well, people have a right to have whatever wedding they want, but the more difficult you make it, the more likely it is that guests might decide they can't oblige.

No don't tell people how to dress for your wedding!
That's really cheeky!

is this the wedding you were whinging about last night on mumsnet? camping?

It is completely and utterly normal in this day and age to suggest honeymoon contributions instead of gifts. Wedding gifts date back to a time when couples didn’t live together before marriage and had a new home to equip and furnish from scratch after the wedding. Now that most couples live together before they get married, that doesn’t apply and a lot of couples already have all the appliances/crockery/glasses/bed linen/towels they need. So money towards the honeymoon is a more appropriate gift. Stating it on the invitation isn’t greedy or tacky; it simply means that guests don’t end up having to contact the couple to ask if there’s a wedding list, or just guessing and wasting their money on something the couple don’t really need (as you have done, apparently).

Chances are that there will absolutely be some food at the evening do. It’s not usually stated on the invitation, but a buffet or some light hot food or something is pretty standard. If there isn’t, you won’t die. Just order a pizza afterwards or something.

Ultimately, you’re bitching about a gift you are not obliged to give and a party you’re not obliged to attend. If you think the party sounds shit just don’t bloody go; there’s really no need to make such a fuss and take offence.

how people dress affects the overall mood.

honestly, any one of my guests (all very close friends or family… small wedding) could have rocked up in any damn thing they wanted to wear and i wouldn’t have batted an eye

This is my take on it too. I'd rather have gifts (for any occasion) that I actually want, and so a cash gift towards a set thing is perfectly ok.

However, not providing food seems rather stingy. At least they've made it clear in the invite what's available, so ultimately your call whether you attend or not.

so after 26 detailed posts OP

what are you going to do?

when is it?

God I'm glad you aren't my friend! You sound so mean and judgey.

Its totally normal to request money instead of presents,. I'm suprised to hear you are in your mid 20s - it is very, very common. People don't need presents anymore - almost everyone lives together before getting married so have all the bits they need. Frankly, I wouldn't want whatever handmade household item you think is so wonderful either - its very subjective.

Yes this! I couldn't have told you what my godmum wore to by wedding, it's not something you pay attention to on the day (unless someone rocks up in a long, white dress ha)

I've been to friends weddings where there is a line on the invite saying "we invite our family members to wear lilac" (or whatever) but no one ever pays any attention to that in the 100 or so weddings I've been to in my life!

It's definitely normal, people would rather cash rather than random gifts.
But as you've already gotten the gift I'd go with that. I think cash gifts are optional, especially as you appear to be an evening guest only.

I don't think it's common for people to invite loads of people just for more presents - more people equals more hassle and expense.

someone I worked with did this and invited the whole office to the evening do only (one drink per person and no food) on the basis we would give her enough to pay for her honeymoon - which she had booked in advance.

We didn't give the £50 per person she had been expecting and so didn't have enough for her honeymoon and her dad had to lend her the balance.

Serves her right for being a CF

I’d be tempted to buy them a gift wrapped box of condoms and a card with “Please don’t breed” written on it.

I seem to be encountering the very nastiest corners of Mumsnet today.

What is wrong with you? "Breed"?! What a vile comment. I doubt you would be invited to any weddings to begin with if you are this nasty in real life.

how very very odd

you that is

Do you know, I absolutely knew that when I made the plain truth observation that dress codes set a tone for an event, someone would pipe up with this. I just knew it.

If you wanted a casual, come as you are wedding, that's great. Some people like to make it a bit more formal and have a chance to get dressed up for the occasion. Dress codes exist for a reason, that reason being to set the tone that you want for your event, and it can be as casual, as elegant or as bonkers as you want. But similarly to the poster who claimed not to have gifts even occur to them, I don't believe someone could have rocked up to your wedding in a peacock fancy dress or a bikini or a hessian sack, and have absolutely no impact.

Weddings have a practice of gift giving attached, and dress codes set a mood and tone - that's literally why they exist.

You mean when you imagine what it must be like
to be invited to things? Bless.

Depends how it’s worded IMO. Last wedding we attended, the invitations said (more or less) that since the B&G only had a very small flat, with everything they needed, no presents were expected, but if anyone would like to give them something, a contribution towards their honeymoon would be very gratefully received.

Absolutely fine IMO. We put some cash in the card.
Anything like a demand, though, or a cringingly corny ‘poem’, would put me right off.

Why?

Just...why?

Evening invitations aren't a new thing and anyone who's not totally cynical and looking for the worst can see why they're done. My SIL and BIL couldn't afford a big wedding and ideally they'd have had everyone there for the whole thing, but they couldn't afford it so some people came for the evening. It was their way of sharing their wedding as much as they could on a limited budget.

If you think someone is only inviting you to get the gift (which I don't think happens anywhere near often as some people seem to think) then decline the invitation.

Anyway, if you really must cock a snook at the couple because their wedding offends you, at least do it right. Send them a pair of duelling pistols with a note saying, "One of you will thank me eventually."

you’re an odd bod @NonPlayerCharacter ! 😆

Yes, quite possibly. I've been told.

I know how to behave at weddings, though. I suppose it helps that they don't offend me.

@NonPlayerCharacter

are you married? if so, what was your wedding like out of curiosity?