AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

B list wedding guest gets a nice card. No gift necessary.

Do you even want to go? It's not as if they've paid for a spot.

I think they are talking about bottom draw which was a thing before mass consumerism (pre-1950s) where a mother would upon the birth of a daughter start saving and collecting household items to give to her the night before her wedding so she would have home necessities in her new life.

Over time it became a gathering of female relatives, around this time it started to become common to hire a hall and host a tea or dance for these guests and this lead on to becoming the 'hen do'.

Bottom drawer got completely dropped in British culture but went on to become the 'bridal shower' or 'kitchen tea' in some ex British colonies like the USA where it became far more grabby expecting gifts from everyone not just a nice gesture from mother to daughter.

Etiquette exists, albeit in a constantly changing state

so doesn’t that negate

The idea is to have an established practice so people know what to do in certain situations and won't cause offence or worry by wondering what was meant by doing this and what message you might be giving off by doing that. If you want to make sure that you're being polite and respectful, you follow the etiquette

a handmade gift of £100 from a distant friend that you’re only inviting for cake in the evening…. well, i imagine it’ll talked about on their honeymoon op!

£20 in an envelope…done or give the gift you’ve already purchased. No big deal. They won’t be offended in the slightest is my guess

Evening only invites, cash bars and honeymoon funds are normal, although I find them all shockingly rude. No food at an evening do = abnormal and rude.

At my wedding we only invited the number of people we could afford to host for the whole day, and were able to accommodate almost all of them overnight at the venue for free. My guests were all coming from overseas, so we made things as easy as possible (near public transport, aligned with flight times etc.).

We wrote ‘no gifts, your presence is more than enough’ on the invite, and stuck to this line despite endless requests for bank details etc. Some people still gave cash in envelopes, and some people gifted items, all of which we absolutely loved :) and packed into our suitcase and took back (wedding was in husbands home country). There were multiples of some items, and lots of handmade/bespoke things! Only a few people actually ended up coming completely empty handed, but it didn’t bother us at all.

No one has ever invited me as an evening-only guest, thankfully, and I wouldn’t go if I ever was invited this way. I’d rather either be considered close enough to go for the whole thing, or not be invited at all (which has happened and hasn’t mattered much to me). I’ve never really given gifts at weddings, but given that my job means I’m often living overseas and very far away from friends and family, I’m usually travelling very long distances to attend, so five days annual leave and airfare is the gift :)

That's another reason for dress codes...so people know what to do. People, especially women, do tend to give thought to what to wear for an occasion because they don't want to get it wrong. Perhaps you want a very laid back, casual vibe, which is fine; let people know it's casual or "come as you are". Maybe you'd like it to be a bit dressier than everyday? Great. Choose what you want (smart casual, black tie, whatever) and let people know. That way, they'll know that they're dressed appropriately and it helps them decide. If there was no dress code on an invitation, I'd worry and contact the couple.

People generally want to act in an appropriate and respectful manner, which includes getting a wedding gift that isn't going to be a complete waste of money. A steer to guide them isn't a bad thing. And having an established practice for it so people don't need to start awkward conversations about it is supposed to make it easier and more pleasant for everyone.

Again, if you don't like that, please don't blame me, but that's where it all comes from.

Anyone else curious what the hand made item is and how useful it is?
Is it outing?

No. Why would it? Of course etiquette from Victorian times is going to be different. It's literally acknowledging that times change, but people still need to behave appropriately for the world they live in. Arguably, more set etiquette nowadays could help to stop this very issue we're having now, where whatever you do with your wedding will apparently offend someone.

Like I said, I knew you wouldn't like it, but I don't know why you've decided I must be answerable for it. You wanted to know the point of etiquette, that's the answer. Do with that information what you will. Am I to believe that you're so laid back that you wouldn't notice or care if someone turned up to your wedding in a full bridal outfit or a leather bikini, but the very concept of etiquette perturbs you? More than a guest in a leather bikini would?

The wedding is in England.

Among my social circle it's pretty normal to have never been to a wedding or to only have been to one or two as a child.

I. It's an invite not a summons.

1. Don't buy people gifts for their homes unless they've asked you to.
2. Give less money if you feel short-changed.
3. Remember it's a celebration
4. Yes if you attend a wedding it's normal to take a gift. It's irrelevant that you consider cash tacky.

Also confused that you've bought a new outfit for an evening do, unless that's normal for you.

Wedding Website?

I find the whole idea of colour and dress code so pretentious, since when have I needed help to chose what to wear?

It is normal for couples to ask for money, just as it was normal for couples to do a wedding list years ago. I think the money seems more transactional than a gift. For an evening do with a slice of cake a tenner in card should cover it.

Informal weddings are so much more fun than all these micromanaged performances concealed as wedding etiquette.

constantly changing state

I don't have time to reply to everyone.

I know it's up to me whether I go.

I'm not going to show up empty handed. I'll give them some cash.

Clearly I'm in a minority for thinking that explicitly asking for money or gifts is rude. We won't be doing it for our wedding. I'm happy to suggest small gifts or a charity to donate to for people who ask. I'd hope the people who are invited know it's because we want to celebrate with them and that it doesn't really matter what they get us, or if they get us anything.

I haven't bought an outfit yet. I'll try and borrow something or get something second hand closer to the time.

I'm on board with the website idea. It's definitely not a new thing either.

It just makes things more convenient to have the information in one place.

Yes, but everyone knows what the general dress code is for a wedding so it doesn't need to be stated. And requesting something extra to that, like specific colours is really cringey. As OP had to buy a dress to fit into the "theme", whatever that is, it suggests that it was the latter. That's not a general dress code, it's an imposition.

Am I to believe that you're so laid back that you wouldn't notice or care if someone turned up to your wedding in a full bridal outfit or a leather bikini, but the very concept of etiquette perturbs you? More than a guest in a leather bikini would?

but that’s so farcically unrealistic

When i say i wouldn't bat an eye it would be if my dear uni friend rocked up wearing a tits n’ leg dress, or my uncle wore a hawaiian shirt or my close colleague wore white or someone turned up looking scruffy and ironed or my auntie wore black… that kind of thing

Grabby af. I’d just rock up with a bottle of fizz and a card

Yes. Times change and so will established practices, to reflect that. Established doesn't mean forever unchanging. Did you think we should still be living like it's 1850? Do you think no time has its own social norms?

I don't really know how to simplify it any further. I've tried to explain what etiquette is, how it works and the facts around it. If you still don't get it, there's nothing more I can do to help, sorry.

But I still don't believe that you wouldn't bat an eye if I turned up to your wedding in a burlesque costume.

And I always take snacks and indeed drinks to weddings after the starving experience 😂

but that’s so farcically unrealistic

Sure - because it's so far outside the etiquette.

Good to see that you can indeed understand the concept and you would indeed bat an eye if someone dressed completely inappropriately. I didn't really doubt it, tbh.

The dress code is broader than a colour! I agree that's a bit cringe.
It's not really my style so not something I have already but probably easy enough to buy in a charity shop.

so far outside what anyone would want to do! wear a leather bikini to a uk wedding?!

i’d double up laughing if any of my friends turned up in a black leather bikini! And they’d be a good few pics of us and them too (not that i had a photographer!)

plus i’d have got them a cardigan!