AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

people have provided lists for years,
i personally didnt, unless people asked, and then i did,

Of course I’ve encountered the concept. But I’ve already explained I don’t do them. If the invite didn’t mention them then I wouldn’t be reminded of the concept. It’s just quite funny to me how people get so caught up on arbitrary etiquette rather than just doing what they’re comfortable with.

I ignored a wedding registry once because it was from Harrods.

Marriage lasted less than 2 years (It was his first, her third) and he got married again really quickly and they had a BBQ at home and requested no gifts at all.... he said it was because he felt his friends had shelled out enough the first time.

That's what I thought was the right thing to do. But apparently it makes me "selfish and pretentious". You can't win, it seems

The whole point of etiquette is that it stops things from being arbitrary. It sets out the standard practice, the "done thing". So if you're wondering whether to do something, you can refer to etiquette. In theory, it stops things from offending or upsetting people because it stops practices from being arbitrary and potentially misunderstood all over the shop. You do X because it's the etiquette. People know how to act.

And yeah, the idea that you wouldn't even think about gifts if you got an invitation to a wedding is cobblers. But this is MN where everyone has to pretend that anything they don't like is just absolutely inexplicable and unfathomable.

I never go along with themed outfits. I just think they're wanky and pointless.

It's normal to put a note into a wedding invitation perhaps to ask for money for a honeymoon instead of a gift but NOT for evening invitations, particularly where the bride and groom aren't making any sort of effort for their guests.

Weird thread. OP seems to be simultaneously presenting herself as both an Emily Post style etiquette expert and a wide-eyed ingénue, naïve to the mysterious ways of weddings. You can’t be both.

I don't think it makes you selfish and pretentious, but it leaves guests flailing a bit as to what to get you (I assure you that it crosses everyone's mind, even if they make a point of not getting anything - in fact, especially then) and opens you up to a zillion conversations about "what do you want", which can get uncomfortable if you suggest something that's not in the price range. Or you might get 12 toasters. With a list, you can find something in your budget and you know the couple will like it.

It all becomes much easier and more pleasant if you stop thinking of weddings as some kind of terrible selfish imposition and instead see them as a happy life celebration for people who care about you enough to want to share it with you. If you feel the same, you should go, and you probably won't feel massively resentful about getting then something because you're supposed to like them. If you don't, make an excuse and stay home. Nobody wants a resentful guest who doesn't want to be there.

Give or don't give anything you want.

It all becomes much easier and more pleasant if you stop thinking of weddings as some kind of terrible selfish imposition and instead see them as a happy life celebration for people who care about you enough to want to share it with you. If you feel the same, you should go, and you probably won't feel massively resentful about getting then something because you're supposed to like them. If you don't, make an excuse and stay home. Nobody wants a resentful guest who doesn't want to be there.

Too bloody right @NonPlayerCharacter. The MN misery around weddings is very tiresome and the season hasn’t even kicked off for this year.

Based on this, there will only be cake for the evening invitees. They have included details of lunch menu on thewebsite, so if there was an evening menu, there would have been details on there.

It's pretty common these days with outright requests, requests in a form of a cheesy poem, links to purchasing honeymoon experiences etc with people having different views as to whether it's tacky or not.

You don't have to buy from the registry, no.

With that said, with it being your first invite, for future invites you may consider whether it is worth it to pay for travel, accommodation, themed outfit, drinks etc to congratulate a friend you rarely see and have a bit of cake.

I always see an evening invitation as an invitation to a party. If the place and date is convenient and I know and like other people there, why wouldn't I go? If it's an opportunity to catch up with old friends, I'd travel for it, if I wasn't that bothered I wouldn't.

I'd buy a small gift or put a small amount of cash in a card, in the same way that I'd buy a birthday present, and either wear something I have or treat myself to something new, but I'd see it as buying myself something, not a cost of attending the party.

If it was the bride's birthday and she was throwing the same party, would you have the same negative thoughts?

So much etiquette is utterly pointless though. And some supposed rules I just don’t agree with or don’t think they matter. Like spooning soup a certain way, who cares or even notices? Wedding gifts/money are a thing I don’t like because of the expectation behind it. So I choose not to partake. It doesn’t baffle me, I know people do it, I just object to it. But then I also generally dislike the insta-capitalism on steroids that is the wedding industry and the history of marriage in the ownership and subjugation of women so I find it difficult to feel enthused about any aspect of weddings regardless of who’s getting married, tbh.

I agree that this is a good way to see it. But if it was the bride's birthday and she'd sent out a list of gifts she wanted, or asked guests for money, I'd think that was grabby and rude.

I don't think the specific menu is included, but it clearly says there'll be a sit down lunch. And nothing's said about the evening. I'll fill up before I go

So much etiquette is utterly pointless though

It can be outdated, and for various reasons it can be much harder to navigate in a modern world, not least because so many people are offended by the very concept of there being any kind of "done thing" if they don't like it, as evidenced here.

However, it does exist for a reason, and ironically it's to avoid this very scenario: people not knowing what to do and worrying about causing offence. The whole point of etiquette is to establish a standard practice so you don't cause offence...because you and they understand that it's the practice.

And yes, you've just given yourself away - you deliberately choose not to give gifts to make a point, because you know full well the etiquette is to give one. That's fine, your choice, but please don't come at us again with the "doesn't even occur to me" cobblers. You've just admitted that the very reason you don't do it is because you've thought about it so much!

It’s a normal request. You can give something else if you really want or just don’t go. From your comments you don’t sound like a good friend anyway.

Also- don’t think whole class parties are generally to get more gifts! These are way more inclusive-much better than having the few who are just never invited to anything. Jeez- so depressing to see meanness in this.

The birthday analogy you’ve been offered is unhelpful. We have them every year. Most people approach marriage with at least the intention of only doing it once.

Perhaps from the parents' point of view but have you seen eight year olds? They're savage. I specifically remember going to another kid's party and him proudly announcing "I invited EVERYONE so I'd get LOADS OF PRESENTS". The parents must've been mortified

I personally like the traditional idea of wedding gifts being given to a couple to set up home, so I’m happy to buy from a registry or failing that a bottle of champagne, but I won’t pay towards a holiday, I just don’t like it.

I love a registry or honeymoon fund. I don't need to have any annoying "what would you like" "oh nothing" "I insist" back and forths, don't need to spend ages looking for something, don't need to worry that I've wasted my money. I log on, I buy something/make a gift in budget and it's done and I know they'll like it.

There's a time and a place to fight the evil capitalist Man but for me, this isn't it. If I'm coming to your wedding it's because I like you and I want to get you something. I'm not troubled by the concept.

In my world, cash bars and timeslots is an absolute no no. I’ve never been to a wedding with either.

Gift lists used to be standard but you were never obliged to buy from them, less used now as people get married so much later and have already set up a home, which was their original purpose.