AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

That's a weird thing to say..they're not asking guests to pay for their wedding...

I'm not insulted by evening only invites because the ranking of closeness of friendships seems entirely legitimate.

Last evening only invite I got was to friends who we only otherwise saw socially through other friends. So we aren't as close to them as others and we were an extra. Perfectly nice to have been invited. We had a great time and chose to take up the invitation and travel.

And we contributed to their honeymoon but again I chose to take information about their honeymoon collection website as useful information it was entirely up to me to take up or not rather than the outrageous demand I was apparently meant to make of it.

"They can either decide I matter enough to be invited to the whole wedding or they will no longer be classed as someone that matters to me!"

I don't think I'd be the only one to interpret that as a cutting off.

But at any rate, it's very clear that you are deeply offended by the practice. So it may help you to see that although it's a shame that this was the way you once found out that a friend wasn't as close as you thought, it isn't actually a practice that evolved out of couples' deep desire to piss people off. Most of the time, it's because they simply can't afford the numbers they'd like all day. Certainly the case with my BIL and SIL. Or sometimes because they only made friends with you after they'd set the event up and they just can't add to the tables at this stage, but the party is less rigidly numbered.

Or you can keep on getting deeply offended by it. That's your call. The party's happening with or without you and everyone would agree it's best not to have people there who are offended and insulted by being invited.

We asked for a donation to a charity rather than any gifts...but we're old and our salubrious honeymoon was in Birmingham!!! 😂 Was still amazing ❤️

I'm not insulted by evening only invites because the ranking of closeness of friendships seems entirely legitimate.

Yes, I have to say this doesn't seem hugely offensive to me either. Of course I'm closer to some people than others.

With that attitude, I imagine you’re not overloaded with invitations.

Don’t be silly. Resources are finite. You can’t invite everyone. You’re not on the same terms with everyone. Evening invitations are for local acquaintances, old school friends you are no longer close to but still like, your parents’ neighbours, workmates you like but who aren’t your close friends, , cousins you only see at weddings and funerals.

This.

We only had 17 guests at our wedding as that's all we could comfortably afford. All of our close family and a few close friends.
We did invite more guests in the evening and I am sure they understood why we weren't able to invite them for the full day.
No regrets whatsoever; the perfect day.

I got married 20 years ago and honeymoon contributions were what most of my friends had been asking for as I had begun to attend weddings. I wasn’t the first or last of my friends group. Some asked for money and some included a wedding registry link. I think I had to actually go into somewhere like Debenhams at the time to actually ask to see the list and give them the name. One wedding had mostly Denby tableware listed piece by piece and you could buy as much or as little as you liked. Those were for my friends who hadn’t lived together. The ones who already had their house and who had been living together mostly just asked for money. When I got married we did ask for money towards honeymoon and actually gave a the name of the travel agent collecting the funds. This was also quite common. We got a mix of cash, money int the fund and booze as gifts. The booze was a bit odd as all my friends knew I was tea total although my DH wasn’t.

The reason a registry is sent out is so that things disappear from it when bought so that you don’t get un necessary duplicates and so you don’t need to remember what you’ve told people who ask what you’d like.

It isn’t rude to include a gift list with a wedding invitation (evening or full day) but it wouldn’t be normal and would be rude for birthdays. Baby registries are becoming a thing as well along with the baby shower thing.

They’re telling you politely not to buy them stuff.

I personally dislike others buying me household stuff as I would rather have the choice to choose and buy what I personally like.

The threads where brides are roasted for inviting to only one part are usually when the bride has asked all sorts of favors from a guest as if they were super close (planning a hen do, hand making decorations, free childcare, etc) then only invited them to the evening, or when only part of an family has been invited to one chunk of the day. But inviting some people to only the evening isn’t inherently rude.

Venue limitations is a common reason for inviting a smaller group to a ceremony & luncheon then having a bigger party later. Places that will comfortably seat 80+ for a ceremony or full meal are often dramatically more expensive, and the couple may be deeply attached to a certain (smaller) venue for religious or personal reasons. Venues that can hold 100+ for a dance & drinks party are much easier. Other times, the couple decides to have the ceremony separated out on a different day for one reason or another.

Starts at five thirty and no food? Themed outfit? No, I would send a card.

Sorry but I think this is fair enough. If you’re only attending the evening I’d probably give a smaller amount, but they’ve specified what they want so they won’t get a load of stuff they don’t actually need. Contributing to the honeymoon seems a great idea to me - just chuck in £25.

I've had several invites this year with varying requests for honeymoon money. The polite ones where the couple's are working hard and could do with a break - I don't mind so much.

However, my family member who does not work and cannot hold down a job because she pulls false sick days - No. I refuse to pay. She's not having a holiday off my hard-working back.

Therefore, I would look at their backgrounds and context:

If they have their own money - They are CF's.

If they are working, struggling, and decent people - Yes I would support them.

If they are living outside of their means and not working for it - They are CF's.

Therefore, I would look at their backgrounds and context:
If they have their own money - They are CF's.
If they are working, struggling, and decent people - Yes I would support them.
If they are living outside of their means and not working for it - They are CF's.

You seem to be mixing up the concepts of wedding gifts and charity. Not sure I’ve ever met someone who thought those were the same thing.

How odd. I would just take a present to a wedding like normal, regardless of who they are. If they want that present to be a contribution to their honeymoon then that's fine. It is utterly bizarre to me to consider that any different to buying them a photo frame or a toaster.

Do you go through the same rigourous assessment process if they haven't asked for anything specific when deciding whether to get them a present or is it only when they have given you a helpful steer?

I'd just ask if there was a buffet and just send the gift I'd already bought. If there was no food provided (very odd if you are expected 5.30pm to midnight, say) then I'd have dinner first and arrive later.

IMO evening only invitations are for people who live so locally that they can easily come for the evening only. I do think it's rude to invite guests who live further away to an evening reception only, as it's a lot of hassle to just go for a bit of a disco and a few sausage rolls.

I do think it's rude to invite guests who live further away to an evening reception only, as it's a lot of hassle to just go for a bit of a disco and a few sausage rolls.

If you don't want to go, you don't have to. Weddings very often have people coming from abroad even though it's "just one day". They might use the opportunity to have a holiday as well as the wedding, or spend some time with other guests who they don't see often, or decide to stay home, but it's not rude and insulting to extend an invitation.

Bloody hell @NonPlayerCharacter you sre getting a bizarrely hard time of it on here!

I agree with you to an extent regarding dress code and setting the tone - you wouldn't show up to a wedding in a tracksuit even if it was "low key".

I also agree that an evening invite is absolutely fine and its not rude to expect a present / money.

For anyone who think you "make money" on inviting an evening guest - it's abundantly clear that you haven't been invited to a wedding for at least 15 years. Weddings are a massive money pit, you aren't going to be making money because someone gave you £50 in a card.

Same as the poster who decided your gift amount based on how Worthy they think you are of the money - they clearly don't have any friends / family due to their twattish attitude.

MN has such weird hangups about weddings it's so funny. I am so glad my friends and family are normal 😅

@preview81 you okay, hun?

Sorry your life is so pathetic you have to stalk a random poster! Hope you find happiness 😘

I had one too. Asked me the purpose of etiquette, didn't like the factual answer, started ASing me and coming up with things that didn't actually contradict anything I'd said like he'd made a point. Then he started giving thanks to my posts. I swear I could actually hear the heavy breathing and "I like em with spirit" coming off him. Don't want to think about the state of his keyboard.

He's not the first, either...I've had other posters do exactly the same thing. One of them started posting every few minutes to say which thread I'd posted on that he was reading now.

They are - guests have to pay for their own alcohol, and they can’t afford to feed them.

See also - requiring bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses, guests paying for expensive hotel rooms as part of a wedding package etc.

It is actually surprisingly difficult to have a wedding in the UK which doesn't involve your guests paying for at least some of their own alcohol, unless you just put your credit card behind the bar and hope you can afford to pay the bill next month. When I was researching wedding venues I couldn't find anywhere that offered an all inclusive drinks package or even allowed BYO without charging so much corkage or adding on extra costs elsewhere that just putting our card behind the bar would probably have worked out cheaper. This was one of the reasons why we ended up not getting married in the UK.