AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

You're far from the only person on here to be so offended and resentful about the etiquette and practice of gift giving at weddings, but can you explain why? I don't think there's a single culture where it's not normal to give a gift to a couple when attending their wedding and registries are so common, and so well established, that even if you dislike them, they really can't be considered rude.

What exactly offends you about the practice of giving a wedding present? And, by extensiom, what offends you about giving an easy answer to the obvious question of "what would you like so I don't waste my money on something you don't want?" I've never been to a wedding where the invitation was contingent on the gift.

Did you invite the bride to your wedding?
If so, you're off the hook. Just send her note explaining that it's pointless you contributing to her honeymoon and her contributing to yours, because you'll end up quits.
Obviously you're paying a lot more per head for guests - but that's life. That's your choice.
If you haven't invited her to your wedding, I just wouldn't go to hers.
Or go and give the gift intended.
She can always sell it on eBay or attempt to get a refund and take the cash.
It absolutely makes sense to have a honeymoon contribution as a wedding guest, because most people geting married these days already have all the "stuff" they need and don't want two toasters or someone's else's taste of an object in their home.

Just send her note explaining that it's pointless you contributing to her honeymoon and her contributing to yours, because you'll end up quits.

Oh lord no! You don't give to receive and you don't keep tally! You give because it's a joy to give!

When a friend of mine and I both had a big birthday coming up and wanted to see the same show, she bought my ticket and I bought hers.

Slightly missing the point but I invite the whole class to parties as I hate the idea of anyone being left out not to get more presents. Seems like your friend invited you to the evening do you are not left out. You don’t need to get a new outfit etc relive your student days grab a burger on the way - they will most likely have crisps etc. if you.choose not to give any money it’s up to you doubt they will say anything to you.

THIS!

With bells on.

Registries and the suggestion of cash gifts are imo actually far more polite than making your guests guess what your taste or needs are, then hunt around for some random thing which might be one among a dozen similar items they receive, or an item the B&G don't like/ want/ need/ won't fit in their home.

You know if you get something on the list that they'll use it and appreciate it. If you send a random item - vase, photo frame, pot pourri bowl, etc. - yes, it's all about you. I think it's far more polite to consider the couple's wants and needs, be that bowls, cutlery, a fancy kitchen bin, BBQ tools, bike helmets, or money.

And you probably should consider the waste of time and money involved for you as well as for the bride and groom in first of all finding and buying the random item, and then bringing it back for a refund or boxing it for the charity shop.

Most gift registries have items in a range of prices. One of my DDs was invited to a wedding when she was still in high school (sister of a good friend getting married) and sent a pair of kitchen aprons from the list, costing $15.

@Famfirst
Genuinely why? What offends you so much?

I am late 40s been to loads of weddings. Some were modest affairs - buffet in a church hall. Some were abroad, others had 10s of thousands of ££££ spent on them.

Every single wedding had a gift list in the invitation, along with all the other info blurb.

Every wedding I have ever been to, I have bought a gift from the list. I don't why you think this is so vulgar - I am getting something the married couple wants / needs.

Nearly all the 'off list' presents I got at my wedding were quite frankly....... a bit shit.

I hesitate to say this because I know someone will pop up to insist they wouldn't bat an eye if this happened (and then possibly start ASing and stalking me in their creepiness and overinvestment and finally making an utterly sticky mess of their keyboard in excitement), or it doesn't apply to them because they married in secret with only a pair of jelly babies as witnesses or whatever, but...

If you got married and nobody bought you a gift, or most people didn't, you would think something was wrong and you had perhaps offended them. Not because you feel entitled, not because you can't understand that some people can't afford a gift on top of attending, not because of some terrible moralistic failing...but because it's a very normal practice to give a gift when invited to a wedding.

So when it doesn't happen, and it can't all be explained by poverty, you would quite understandably wonder what you had done wrong and why people appeared to be so pissed off.

With that being the case, why do people get so offended about it? And about easy, efficient ways to make sure people don't waste their time or money without awkward conversations? Every registry I've ever seen has options for vouchers, so if there's no item in your budget you can give whatever you want.

Such bizarre outrage.

I love a nice simple honeymoon contribution. It's easy, I can pick the amount, it saves me any angst or effort trying to guess what someone might want.

I don't care what their motivation actually was, the effect is that it makes my life easier so what's not to love?

I like all the people whose weddings I've been invited to. Therefore I am happy to get them a gift and I am even happier to get them something I 100% know they want. And even happier it involves only a few clicks to achieve!

I think inviting people to just the evening do is rude, and is done to get more presents. And I think it's the height of fucking cheekiness to invite someone to just the evening do AND have the audacity to send them a gift list too!

I think inviting people to just the evening do is rude, and is done to get more presents

I can tell you with 100% certainty that in at least some cases, it's because the couple can't afford to have everyone they want at the daytime do but still want them to be involved as much as possible. Given how much these events cost to hold and cater, you'd be a bloody idiot to do it to make a profit.

This. It’s not a new thing. It’s a way of trying to include more people who might be neighbours, workmates, more distant relatives, old school friends etc in some part of your wedding day.

But an evening invitation sent to a non-local person who is going to have to travel a significant distance and pay for accommodation is generally sent with no expectation you will accept or that you will feel any sense of obligation — it’s more a way of saying that you still matter to them, even if you’re not close.

I think the last big wedding I was at that had evening guests, it was very much workmates coming in after work, and elderly neighbours.

Have recently attended. Wedding in the middle of nowhere, posh mansion estate so no option of staying anywhere else. Evening invite but started before we could have had dinner, assumed we’d get at least a nibble. It was cash bar and no food, couldn’t even buy crisps. So weird. Would be fine if we knew, then we would have had dinner and turned up later. We were starving (and pissed 🤣). We were pretty much free for them, just another £50 for their registry. So tacky. Why people have to put the ‘of you want to pay towards our honeymoon’ it. Just grow up, have your weeding and be grateful friends care enough to pay to be there.

Personally my approach to this would be to discover a "prior engagement" or a work commitment , and not go-then you don't have to buy a themed outfit or a present.
Asking for money towards the honeymoon is not a registry-if you feel like it you can still give her the present, but you don't have to.
It's really down to whether you really want to go to the evening reception, have you been looking forward to it? Should you really still want to go, contact her, tell the truth, say you didn't realise they were going to ask for money and have already bought them something-if she still wants you to go great-if she complains , don't go.

I wouldn't go to this

Oh what a load of shit about 'evening invitations are a way to show people they matter to you'

If someone matters to you, you invite them to the whole thing. End of.

I refuse to be anyone's second tier friend. They can either decide I matter enough to be invited to the whole wedding or they will no longer be classed as someone that matters to me!

I can't imagine why you don't get more invitations.

Actually @NonPlayerCharacter I've been invited to plenty of weddings. I decline 'evening only' invites as quite frankly they are an insult.

And after you cut them off in high dudgeon for this normal, innocent and entirely understandable practice that was probably done because they didn't have enough money, I'm sure they really regretted not having you there. You sound like such charming and easy company.

I know, I know. You absolutely know all the circumstances, you absolutely know they are just horrid people who only wanted presents because everyone knows weddings leave you richer than before, etc etc.

@NonPlayerCharacter I don't think I said I 'cut people off' if they don't invite me to their full wedding.

However, in the past, when someone that I considered to be a close friend invited me and DH to the evening do only whilst other friends got invited to the full day, yes, I did re-evaluate our friendship and decide that she no longer mattered as much to me as she did before, because I clearly didn't matter to her. So I distanced myself.

On loads of threads on here where people post that similar things have happened to them, they are advised to distance themselves because their friend clearly doesn't value them as much as they value that friend.

And I'd rather not be easy company if it means just being a doormat.

Firstly, it's normal for evening guests to not get a meal. As I'm sure you know, feeding people at a wedding is extortionate so it's normal to have close friends and family to the ceremony and wedding breakfast, then extend the evening invite to others. Sometimes you get a buffet in the evening served with the cake, and it's likely that will be the case at this wedding given the start time. Otherwise, treat it like an evening out. Eat before you go or grab something on the way home.

Secondly, nobody is forcing you to go, buy the outfit, and especially not to give a gift. It's normal to ask for money towards a honeymoon, especially if you're a couple that have already set up home together and don't need any more traditional wedding gifts (toaster etc.). The gift is totally optional. I'm not sure why you're feeling so resentful about this, but you're an adult so you can make your own choices, as can your friend. This post just comes across as a little immature I'm afraid. If you don't want to go or can't afford it then don't go.

I don't think I said I 'cut people off' if they don't invite me to their full wedding.

You said: "They can either decide I matter enough to be invited to the whole wedding or they will no longer be classed as someone that matters to me!"

And went on about it being an insult, rude, done to get more presents, accepting means being a doormat etc etc.

I'm sorry that this was the way you found out that your friend didn't consider your friendship on the same level that you did, but I think you'll find modern wedding practices far easier to navigate if you separate them from this particular personal issue. Your friend didn't think you were as close as you did. That doesn't mean that everyone who is invited to an evening party is being insulted, exploited for gifts, made into a doormat, etc etc.

Sometimes a party invitation is just a party invitation.

@NonPlayerCharacter as I said, I didn't say that I cut people off. You've decided to assume that from my post.

'Easy' people are the ones that get walked over. The ones that have high standards and are more demanding of how they wish to be treated by friends are the ones that get invited to the whole wedding, believe me.

I don’t know anyone who has ever gone in for this nonsense but I would absolutely decline an evening only invite.

No-one is forcing you to have a wedding or honeymoon you can’t afford.