Page 15 | AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

AGoingConcern · 29/03/2024 18:34

partly my answer above and partly, as a child my parents would never give money for gifts. DF said it lacked imagination!

My parents had this rule growing up as well and as an adult I've totally abandoned it.

My biggest priority with a gift is pleasing the recipient. If I have $10 to spare and they've asked for that to go towards a honeymoon or an amazon gift card instead of a set of pot holders, then I'm more than happy to honor that wish because it's not actually about me. Buying someone more stuff to fill up their cabinets when they've explicitly said they don't want or need that is rude and disrespectful, IMO. It's prioritizing my own wishes and opinions above theirs.

TeenyTinyCrocodile · 29/03/2024 18:37

I was told growing up...

As adults, do we all do exactly what we were told when we were children, or do we change our views for myriad reasons, including that times change?!

Bonkers.

lap90 · 29/03/2024 18:44

Some of those other cultures referred to also wouldn't expect people to travel, stay in a hotel, wear themed dress only to serve them a bit of cake.

You'd be trash talked for years.

Pipsquiggle · 29/03/2024 18:57

@LutonBeds
partly my answer above and partly, as a child my parents would never give money for gifts. DF said it lacked imagination!

My mum used to say this, however, I will tell you what I told her. When you go 'off list' and buy a present that you like, you are making it about you and not the recipient.

My mum was going to a family friend's wedding and had bought a god-awful vase for the newlyweds. I said I was surprised that was on their list. She replied 'oh it wasn't, they wanted vouchers or money but I didn't want to do that so bought them this'
I then told her that although she liked it, they probably wouldn't and she would be giving them something they probably wouldn't like and it would probably end up in a charity shop.
She was a bit put out but after 5 minutes and giving her head a wobble, she saw sense. She now just gives what the couple wants.

OVienna · 29/03/2024 19:05

NotAHappyBunnyHugger · 29/03/2024 10:04

I'd be giving the couple a gift anyway, I was just a bit baffled as I was always told it's rude to ask for gifts.

We'd had a "save the date" for this wedding and my partner had just bought us a really nice locally made household item which we get daily use out of, so I bought several more to give as wedding gifts as we had several weddings coming up.

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You've done nothing whatsoever wrong, OP.

Pipsquiggle · 29/03/2024 19:11

OVienna · 29/03/2024 19:05

You've done nothing whatsoever wrong, OP.

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@OVienna

Have you read OPs posts? These 'gifts' are £100 each! She's only going to the evening party bit.

Also not on anyone's wedding lists that we know of.
If I was giving a £100 gift to anyone, for any occasion, I would want to make damn sure it was wanted

LutonBeds · 29/03/2024 19:14

I do get what you’re saying, I just think back to the times I genuinely couldn’t spare much. Whereas I was pretty good at finding bargains or something inexpensive but thoughtful (I hope 🥺). I think like a pp said it’s the expectations placed on guests overall; outfits, overnight stays, no food (sometimes) and occasionally a whole weekend/week hen/stag do.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 29/03/2024 19:20

I didn’t mention anything about gifts for my wedding but then got so many questions about it and people being annoyed that we hadn’t that it did make me think that maybe we should have. Most have cash which is what we wanted. I did appreciate the physical gifts but wouldn’t have wanted that from everyone as it takes up space

Pipsquiggle · 29/03/2024 19:28

LutonBeds · 29/03/2024 19:14

I do get what you’re saying, I just think back to the times I genuinely couldn’t spare much. Whereas I was pretty good at finding bargains or something inexpensive but thoughtful (I hope 🥺). I think like a pp said it’s the expectations placed on guests overall; outfits, overnight stays, no food (sometimes) and occasionally a whole weekend/week hen/stag do.

@LutonBeds

Most people are thoughtful on their lists with a variety of price points. Also nearly always an option of vouchers.

I think the cheapest thing on my my list was £3. Loads of stuff for under £10.

Most gifts I got 'off list' I just didn't like

LutonBeds · 29/03/2024 19:31

Pipsquiggle · 29/03/2024 19:28

@LutonBeds

Most people are thoughtful on their lists with a variety of price points. Also nearly always an option of vouchers.

I think the cheapest thing on my my list was £3. Loads of stuff for under £10.

Most gifts I got 'off list' I just didn't like

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I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as a friend of mine who was gifted something from a friend of hers….with someone else’s name engraved! The giver tried to style it out as well 🤣

Treeinthesky · 29/03/2024 19:53

Well at your wedding when you get lots of picture frames ......

BlueMongoose · 29/03/2024 20:25

An invitation ought not to be a quid pro quo. As people to your wedding if you want them to come to it. If someone specifically asks you for a wedding list because they don't want to waste money on things you don't want, which is sensible, fine, provide one (but make sure there are modest gifts on it, and still emphasise you want their company regardless and their being there is the most important gift they an give you- if it isn't, why are you asking them in the first place?). If you're hard up, you could put 'contributions to' essential things on your list. But to actually include a list or present suggestions with the invitation sounds pretty tacky to me. Maybe I'm behind the times, though?
We didn't make a list, but some elderly family members did ask for one, so we hurriedly made one- and had to choose some china/cutlery because that's what they wanted to chip in to, it being traditional. We still use it, and I think of them when we do, which is nice (over 30 years on).

AGoingConcern · 29/03/2024 20:34

BlueMongoose · 29/03/2024 20:25

An invitation ought not to be a quid pro quo. As people to your wedding if you want them to come to it. If someone specifically asks you for a wedding list because they don't want to waste money on things you don't want, which is sensible, fine, provide one (but make sure there are modest gifts on it, and still emphasise you want their company regardless and their being there is the most important gift they an give you- if it isn't, why are you asking them in the first place?). If you're hard up, you could put 'contributions to' essential things on your list. But to actually include a list or present suggestions with the invitation sounds pretty tacky to me. Maybe I'm behind the times, though?
We didn't make a list, but some elderly family members did ask for one, so we hurriedly made one- and had to choose some china/cutlery because that's what they wanted to chip in to, it being traditional. We still use it, and I think of them when we do, which is nice (over 30 years on).

But to actually include a list or present suggestions with the invitation sounds pretty tacky to me.

Including a separate card that says "Gifts aren't necessary, but the bride and groom are registered at XXX" is exceptionally common, and that's what this couple has done. It's often paired with info about lodging options, need-to-knows about the venue (like whether its outdoors, or religious with a dresscode, or where parking is) so guests have it all in one place. The trend of wedding websites to list all theses details is fairly recent. I would much rather the couple do either of these than make every wedding guest personally call or text to ask them for the info.

LordFlashearttt · 29/03/2024 20:41

OP you’ve bought them a present, don’t show up with cash. You’ve already got them a gift.

Londonrach1 · 29/03/2024 20:45

My dd asked her whole class to her bouncy castle party as she likes them all and wanted to play with. The same as all her friends. It wasn't about the presents. Ignoring your nasty comment...go if you want to don't if you don't. Personally I never give money so like your idea of a personal gift

KomodoOhno · 29/03/2024 20:46

lap90 · 29/03/2024 18:44

Some of those other cultures referred to also wouldn't expect people to travel, stay in a hotel, wear themed dress only to serve them a bit of cake.

You'd be trash talked for years.

Hispanic here! We do the money dance. But let me say having a wedding with out a ton of food is the most shameful thing ever 😆. You be critiqued less if you were a serial killer.

OVienna · 29/03/2024 20:54

Pipsquiggle · 29/03/2024 19:11

@OVienna

Have you read OPs posts? These 'gifts' are £100 each! She's only going to the evening party bit.

Also not on anyone's wedding lists that we know of.
If I was giving a £100 gift to anyone, for any occasion, I would want to make damn sure it was wanted

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Yes I've read the posts. Hence I commented. She felt that sortnod gift would be thoughtful. She's entitled to her view, inckuding her perception of costs. I don't get the outrage.

OVienna · 29/03/2024 20:56

If she's changed her mind about giving it - also fine. But her initial instinct=decision making wasn't off the scale odd.

Pipsquiggle · 29/03/2024 21:50

OVienna · 29/03/2024 20:56

If she's changed her mind about giving it - also fine. But her initial instinct=decision making wasn't off the scale odd.

@OVienna
Absolutely

OP has come to a good conclusion. She's asked for advice as this is her first wedding.

She wasn't aware of many of the conventions and the usual etiquette of weddings. I would always advise people, if they are able, to buy from the wedding list.

PensePotter · 30/03/2024 11:22

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 29/03/2024 14:35

I never heard of that! Nobody I knew did it.

And I was married in 1974 😱.

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Perhaps it was a Scottish tradition. I was married in the 70s too and attended many of these.

Willmafrockfit · 30/03/2024 12:27

i still have the le Creuset casserole dish that i put on my wedding list 25 years ago

Judecb · 30/03/2024 17:26

While I believe it has become more normal for couples to ask for money rather than having a "list" (which can then be spent on honeymoon/house or whatever they want), if you have already bought a gift, that should be sufficient.

Famfirst · 30/03/2024 17:37

I think the whole registry thing and theme are the height of tackiness, the asking for donations towards their honeymoon just puts the tin lid on it. Classless, greedy individuals whoever they are. I wouldn't go near it or them again.

Snowflakeslayer · 30/03/2024 18:14

NotAHappyBunnyHugger · 29/03/2024 09:11

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

Just don’t go. There’s no expectation on evening only guests to attend! I certainly wouldn’t pay for accommodation or new outfit, let alone a gift!!

marmiteoneverything · 30/03/2024 18:26

Famfirst · 30/03/2024 17:37

I think the whole registry thing and theme are the height of tackiness, the asking for donations towards their honeymoon just puts the tin lid on it. Classless, greedy individuals whoever they are. I wouldn't go near it or them again.

So do you not buy people a gift for their wedding then? Or buy them something random that they might not want?

It’s fairly safe to assume that most of your (day) guests will buy you a wedding present in some shape or form. Including details of the registry just saves you having to send it out to however many people as and when they ask for it.