AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

You seem to be linking two things in an odd way. Do you not live in a culture where wedding gift registries are the norm?

Requests to contribute to the honeymoon in place of a traditional wedding gift registry are completely fine IMO. People who marry as established adults often have at least one household set up and don't necessarily need or want housewares, and guests often appreciate the simplicity of a cash gift. It sounds like that "honeymoon registry" info was conveyed in the same way other gift registry info would usually be, so they've done absolutely nothing wrong there. If you already bought a gift, just ignore the registry.

As for the rest of it... if you don't want to go to the wedding party because it will cost more than you want to spend (setting aside the registry thing), then just decline the invite. No one needs to be in the wrong here.

You might think it’s bad manners (and it would be for something like a birthday party) but it’s normal for weddings. So if they’re being rude then a large percentage of other brides and grooms are also being rude by mentioning it.

Buying the locally made item was a nice idea (I’m intrigued to know what it is!) but probably not a very sensible one, especially as it was expensive. Much better to buy gifts when you get the invite, then you can make sure you’re giving them something they definitely want.

Well, yes, that's fine if you're local, but I wouldn't be travelling far and staying overnight for an evening only invitation.
Let alone buying a new dress I can't choose freely because of a 'theme'.

@Pheeeeebs
"I wouldn’t go. This happened once to me I was invited to a short ceremony, then one other guest and I were asked to return for the evening party. Basically everyone else had lunch whilst we left hanging around for 4 hours. I’m such a mug to not work it out!
Some people take the piss."

Yes, this has happened to me,as well.
My DH and I were invited to ALL of the wedding, but our just adult DC who still lived at home, were invited to the wedding, then expected to bunk off for a couple of hours, and then come back again in the evening.
As we were travelling together in the same car, this was a logistical nightmare (as well as irritating, and insulting).

Yes at Indian and Filipino weddings you pin bank notes to the bride. Usually 20's but have seen many 50's too.

Not hugely normal imo op. Only people I know who have done this its been no surprise tbh e.g. the sort of people who order champagne and steak while everyone else has wine and burgers then they expect to split the bill evenly types.

In my 50 years I have never been to a wedding that includes an extra meal in the evening.. a buffet or similar most of the time but not always. And this wouldn't be mentioned on an invitation anyway.

I prefer just to decline invitations then I don't have to give any gift. As tight as they come.

Tanya Gold also wrote that wedding gifts were to help a young couple make a start in married life not give them an upgrade. Wedding lists were the norm when I married in the 80's but not so many people lived together. Asking for money for a honeymoon is a long stretch from a wedding list.

I am not familiar with enough other cultures that I could say there are none that take offence.

YABU to give a gift when they're said specifically they don't want stuff. Most wedding patter goes your presence is gift enough but if you do want to give us a gift a honeymoon donation is what they want. Imagine if everyone thought like you and an established couple with a house full of stuff they've chosen for themselves gets 100
odd extra things for the house - no. And it's not a thoughtfully chosen gift is it? You've bought several to use for gift giving occasions - thoughtful is "I saw you struggling with this, here's a took that will help" or "this reminds me of that time we..." your gift is the opposite of thoughtful imho. Though it sounds one your resent the couple already so I'd just swerve the event.

"My DH and I were invited to ALL of the wedding, but our just adult DC who still lived at home, were invited to the wedding, then expected to bunk off for a couple of hours, and then come back again in the evening.
As we were travelling together in the same car, this was a logistical nightmare (as well as irritating, and insulting)."

That's absolutely disgusting. I wouldn't have gone under those circumstances. What did they do for those hours? Maccy D's? Did you offer to pay for their meals?

When I got married we registered at John Lewis because it was before "please just give money" was more acceptable, and we got married in my home town, 2 hours from where we lived, and we didn't have a car. So John lewis delivered after we got back from honeymoon.

A number of people objected to this and chose to buy "special" gifts. We got FIVE mokka coffee pots (it wasn't a big wedding, 70 guests), a 4 foot tall candle stick, 2 salmon poachers and a deli meat slicer (we were both vegetarian at that point), an enormous blanket that weighed about 30lbs. It all basically went to the charity shop. We lived in a small flat and everything had to be transported home on the train. Some close friends bought us some gorgeous, very personal gifts - but they were clever enough to gft them after the honeymoon!

I do wish people would respect what the bride and groom ask.

Yeh they have money dances too at least you get some entertainment, but I think in these established customs people know what to expect and how much to offer. Also at some of these weddings where you give money you get fed for days.

A tradition is different to asking for money for my honeymoon and I will give you a bit of wedding cake. 🙂

@Rosesanddaisies1

As did I and my DH but all that stuff we had previously, was low quality, what we had as students. It was really lovely to upgrade it all

Times change. When this etiquette came in people didn't live together before marriage. Same sex couples couldn't marry. The woman would be looking to get pregnant as soon as possible and would give up work.

It is normal but I hate it. DH and I pay for our own holidays, no idea why I’m expected to fund someone else’s.

I'd honestly skip the wedding on the basis of the themed outfits! Side note: not sure why themed outfits is such a thing, we had to get themed outfits for a birthday party recently! Ok, it was a big birthday, but seemed a bit crazy.

And I really couldn't begrudge an "upgrade" to people who are supposed to be my friends and whose happy event I'm joining to celebrate! That's it...the offence around the concept of gift giving for a wedding. I can't relate. I care about these people, I accepted the invite...why would I start getting antsy because my gift would benefit them? It goes against the whole concept of gift giving at all.

But I think there might be a shift going on towards honeymoon funds because most couples these days don't need toasters. It makes sense and I don't object to it.

DH and I buy our own kitchenwares, not sure why we're expected to fund someone else's.

Because it's a gift, given on what is traditionally a gift-giving occasion. The idea of a gift is that you're buying (or helping buy) something the recipient wants or needs as a way to congratulate them and show affection.

Do people really not understand the concept of a gift? For a wedding?

Whence all this resentment over it?

Yeah, I guess. An upgrade to stuff I don’t object to. I did object to paying towards someone’s holiday when I couldn’t afford to go on one myself. I think what properly irritated me was that the couple had been together for over ten years; had a house and 2 kids, so why the big, massive wedding?

And the way the bride kept saying “Oh, I wish we could do what you did.” (We eloped). I said “Well, do that then”. She said “Oh but everyone really wants to see us get married, they’d be soooo disappointed”. I mean, it affects no one else’s life so just have the day you want.

Got visitors for the weekend so won't be replying anymore but thanks for everyone's input. It's been illuminating!

We aren’t in the 50s anymore. People live together before getting married now so they usually have everything they need for their house. Asking for a gesture towards a honeymoon is completely normal.

YANBU - asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts

Having a wedding registry is fine if that includes and option for honeymoon, as see that before and didn't feel tacky as it was just one of many options, asking directly for cash is tacky.

YABU - I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when

Well, transport, accommodation is your choice on whether to attend. It is not a transaction, I pay for this you pay for that, it is an invite to celebrate their marriage which can be accepted or declined. For an evening do I would ignore the "theme". If you are only going for the evening eat your dinner before you go, evening buffets/snacks tend to be laid on for the wedding guests who had the wedding breakfast early and have been trapped there all day, it might be the meal was served late so not needed, or there might be some light snacks later just not mentioned.

partly my answer above and partly, as a child my parents would never give money for gifts. DF said it lacked imagination! Like I said, I’d go with buying a new set of plates or something but there have been times I genuinely couldn’t afford more than a few quid and I just felt like they’d be “Luton only gave us a tenner”, whereas as a pp said, lists generally have a range of prices for most budgets.

Went to a friends wedding years ago and ended up in debt with hotel stay, travel and present (they’d asked for vouchers). I also don’t like vouchers as, again, I couldn’t afford a lot but ended up having to spend more than I could afford so I didn’t look tight.