AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

@NonPlayerCharacter See what as a British thing?

You bought a gift - so you are willing to spend money on them

They are saying 'we thought you would like this.. gifts' they would prefer the cash.

I don't see the issue - either you were willing to spend money or you were not.

YABU

A registry of any kind associated with a wedding takes the silly guesswork and waste of money out of gift giving.

If you've already sent a gift there isn't any obligation to contribute to the honeymoon fund as well, and I doubt the bride will expect you to.

The British suspiciousness and resentment around registries and gift giving that I see here on MN is hilarious.

It is normal , but I really don’t agree with it ! I hate the idea of asking for gifts . We got married , on a budget , lovely day we provided a hot carvery type buffet along with other options like curry / chilli on the day for the daytime guests and a glass of Prosecco for the toast as well as a pick and mix table, cupcake tower and ferrero rocher tower for “ desert “ ( we did also have some cake in the buffet ) . The evening we restocked the cupcakes and sweets as well as a part food buffet ( it had a lot , there was so much left over ) - none of it made ourselves so it wasn’t cheap but we also had the wedding at a seperate venue from the reception so appreciated guests had transport costs , my husbands family and friends all live in a different city so we appreciated that cost for them and it was a cash bar. I really appreciated that it wasn’t a cheap day for guests so I tried to make sure they were well fed and I didn’t set a silly theme , I also made sure my hen night was affordable for everyone. I didn’t mention gifts and wouldn’t have dreamed of it! We got some lovely gifts and some cash . But I did put a poem in that basically said them being there was the gift .

I kind of , slightly , get that for big weddings with a full meal etc then yeah maybe they could expect a gift … but I’m not convinced and i definitely don’t think it should be asked for . I went to a really lavish wedding after mine and it was beautiful ! 3 course sit down meal , free bar etc . It was lovely and I did give a cash gift as I appreciated that the actual event was free for us and must have cost a bomb - but at the same time it wasn’t cheap for us to attend - it was 3 hours away in the middle of nowhere , so we had to stay over really and it was the height of summer and it cost a fortune in taxis to and from the venue and then for a hotel .

Injust think a wedding is something the bride and groom choose , to celebrate their love , it shouldn’t be a way to get gifts and money

The resentment, suspicion and general bad feeling around weddings and the practice of gift giving for them.

I’d heard of the ‘bottom drawer’ but as far as I knew it was the girls/ women themselves who started saving household linen etc. Even one of my friends at school had a ‘bottom drawer’. Most of the rest of us thought it was something out of the ark!

Wouldn't it be nice to live in a world where we judge people by how they treat others rather than what they wear?

@NonPlayerCharacter to quote you!

I don't think I've said that on this thread, so I assume you're ASing me, like any normal, chilled, laid back person who's not remotely overinvested and creepy. It doesn't contradict anything I've said about the nature and purpose of etiquette, anyway.

what can i say

recovering from minor op and far too much time bored rigid today and waiting for DD to cook me some soup!!

but i love that this admirable stance doesn’t apply to weddings! 😆

Among my social circle it's pretty normal to have never been to a wedding or to only have been to one or two as a child

• and yet you apparently bought several of these gifts at around £100 each to stockpile and gift at weddings? Righto. Seems a strange and expensive shopping trip to go on.

It doesn't contradict anything I've said about the nature and purpose of etiquette and dress codes being a thing. And I think you know that, but I pointed out you weren't being honest with your "don't notice wedding clothes, it's not a thing" shtick and now you're blowing a gasket, in a really creepy and overinvested way. Your self image should not be that delicate.

you have brightened up a dull afternoon 😊

I would politely decline. I can’t stand when people ask for money for gifts, we most likely will give money anyway but asking for it just seems demanding. Since you are only invited to the afters, your presence alone should be enough.

I'm glad to have satisfied whatever need you have that gets so exercised when someone says something that displeases you on the Internet. Don't get the keyboard sticky.

soups served
i can’t promise that!

So...anyone other than my totally balanced admirer?

I think the cash thing causes controversy whereas wedding lists didn't. Though specific buy here lists may have, yet it was acceptable to chip in for the more expensive items. Generally a gift may or may not be expensive whereas cash is upfront and people don't know how much to give and sometimes feel uncomfortable. If there was a post box for cash and cards I think it would be less of a problem than putting money into a card with your name on it.

Not sure if it's a British thing but some cultures do gift money but they may have more of an idea of how much is acceptable. There is no way I would be putting £50 in a card for an evening do where I bought my own drinks and was offered a piece of wedding cake. Others may think £50 is the least I should be offering.

I'm not sure...I do remember seeing articles before the honeymoon fund thing from people who didn't like them (Tanya Gold famously hated them and fell out with a friend when she wrote about it). And to think there are cultures where you pin money to the bride...

There's just an underlying sense of offence about it and I don't think I've seen that in any other culture.

I have to say, nearly 15 years on from our wedding, the gifts I received and still really appreciate are the cutlery, kitchenware, saucepans and food processor. All of them were bought from our list, high quality, used virtually daily and we would never have been able to afford them.
I love them and appreciate them.
One of my colleagues is getting married soon and she was wondering what to put on her list, funnily enough, all the married people in the team said 'get decent cutlery' - we're so rock n roll 🤘

Nobody is forcing you to go ! Going to a wedding a bit even giving a small present is rude AF . Would it be so hard to part with £20 if you had the money for accommodation, new dresses and drinks ?
And I’m 100% sure she is not expecting anything anyway . No bride and groom count on guests money because so many are scrounges like you 😂

YABU. Every wedding I’ve been to has asked for honeymoon contributions. Why is it any worse than people having a John Lewis registry? I’d rather give people what they want, not crap that’ll get given to the charity shop.

but nowadays Most people live together and have everything they need house wise.

This.

People need money more than household items, which they probably already have.

And yes this a British thing , like many other things , most countries don’t have evening guest just guests . Anyway I wouldn’t even question giving money at a wedding because my assumption is that people want money . In my country everyone gives above what cost their incur ( if they can ) so as an example we are getting married next year and cost is around 100 euros per head . Most older members will give at least enough to cover it . I always do the same myself .
I don’t think helping someone with the huge costs of marriage is a bad thing , quite the opposite