AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

Wedding lists or gift towards a honeymoon have been common for at least 3 decades.

Way longer, I think - wedding lists, definitely! And going back to the topic, somewhat....as PPs have said, wedding lists, honeymoon funds and evening invites have been a thing for a long time now. They might not be your thing, but when something is such common practice, I don't see how anyone could take personal offence at them.

and why did he “look a plonker”

ok he didn’t wear what the other men was wearing

but a tuxedo making him look like a
”plonker”? doubt it

What sounds bonkers is inviting someone you don't want at your main wedding, but don't mind them coming later for a bit of cake in the evening, then expecting them to co-fund your honeymoon!!

Only if take it as an expectation. I take it as "you don't have to get us anything but if you want to we'd really like X".

So to me it is merely useful information with no grabby subtext.

For someone who so rigidly resists even the idea that etiquette exists as a concept, and who is apparently so chilled and laid back about it all, I have to say you care about this way more than anyone who was there did. It's a mildly funny story I hadn't thought about for years and told because it came up as part of the discussion. I thought, being so chilled and laid back, you could handle it. My bad.

You claimed not to know what etiquette was or the point of it. I've explained, you don't like it, wedding gift lists continue to exist.

oh it exists. it exists. hard and fast in the minds of people like you!

I don't know of any wedding I've been to where I've gone in the evening and expected a meal- normally its cake, maybe finger food buffet and coffee. You're there for the party.

I would normally give a gift if invited to a reception but less than I'd give for during the day and yes I'd aim to follow their wishes rather than give something they might not want/ need. I think you are being unreasonable to go if you don't want to pay for outfit accommodation and travel etc. You could decline and just send the gift.

It's a mildly funny story

really? your husband wore a tux to a wedding. Other men didn’t

I'm sorry that the truth offends you.

DH and I got married in our mid 30s and already each owned a flat, so had two of everything as it was! Someone suggested a honeymoon fund and I wasnt keen at first,
as I thought people might think it was a bit grabby, but everybody seemed to think it was a great idea. A few didn't contribute but gave us lovely wine or champagne instead. All good.
Having said that, I would never have had a two tier guest system and I've never liked it as a concept. I have lots of friends and family who have - the majority actually - but it just doesn't sit well with me. We had a slightly smaller central London wedding and still spent a bloody fortune on it! Everyone was fed and watered (pissed!) from start to finish.

Apologies in advance for derailing the thread but had to reply. 25-30 children in a class with potentially the majority of them having a birthday party every year. Utterly ridiculous. Parents may as well fill their diaries in advance and do nothing else in life. Mine had a party for certain ages. 1,5,10,13. More than enough. I only accepted invitations of same age. It did them no harm and they were very popular. Most importantly our lives didn't revolve around birthday parties.

😆

Hi @NotAHappyBunnyHugger
Glad you are listening to the feedback on here.
I am in my late 40s and all the weddings I attended in my 20s & 30s all had gift lists and some of the later ones had honeymoon contributions. All of the gift register details came in the invitation - this is totally normal.
I remember buying my friend 'cocktails in Singapore' for her wedding gift.

I am glad you have decided not to give her your gift.
First of all it's too expensive for an evening invite.
Second, all the 'off list' presents we received were just a bit shit. They were all well meant and thoughtful but not needed or not to our taste. It was more about the person giving the present rather than us. There was one exception which was a small work of art, however, the guest that gave it to us was an art curator so was using her professional knowledge.
I have had chats with my friends about 'off list' presents and TBH they all thought the same as me.

Have a lovely time, I would be making sure I ate well before I got there if I were you.

Gosh some people get so grumpy about wedding gifts !!! Every wedding I’ve ever been to has done honeymoon gifts - I really don’t get the hate for it tbh & there’s no obligation to do it anyway.

Also without sounding super ungrateful, I think it’s a huge risk to buy something for someone’s house unless you know for certain they will like it. We got gifted a few bits for our house at our wedding which was really kind but didn’t match our style at all - surely it’s better to give people whet they actually want rather than something that they keep politely for a year or two and then get rid ?!

If you’re that offended then you really shouldn’t go, i doubt the B&G will be upset about it. Also, I don’t know anyone that invited someone to their wedding for the gift - I can assure you that however generous people are it won’t touch the side of the expense of a wedding so that was a pathetic comment !

is your friend EK by any chance?! i bought the exact same for
my friend!!

oh wait i’m early forties so perhaps not

Honeymoon gifts seem like an excellent option for modern times when the couple probably already live together and have all the toasters they want. Anything left over goes into the general "life together" nest. Seems a sensible and fair reflection of the times to me.

I think any request for a gift: registry, cash or otherwise, is grabby and tacky.

At our wedding we were happy to host and only asked for people’s physical presence. People kindly gave and we were grateful but didn’t expect anything. We recognised people would have spent lots of money to attend.

@trackertoo haha 😂
No mine was GL

I am sure it is just standard amount via the travel agency 'Cocktails in ........ Name a city'

It’s the height of vulgarity to ask for cash for a honeymoon (or anything). And if I was only good enough to be invited to the crappy evening bit, I’d politely decline.

yes but mine was singapore!

anyway not the same one!

I think any request for a gift: registry, cash or otherwise, is grabby and tacky

Well it isn't really a request for gifts; it's a steer for those who wish to give something. But why do you think so badly of something when it's such an established social norm? And why do you think it is so obscene, for want of a better word, to have an established practice of gift giving around weddings? Do you resent buying a gift when you attend a wedding?

@sleeppleasesoon
We also stated 'presence not presents' but the vast majority were keen and able to contribute so it's easier sending all the information out at the same time, otherwise you're just inundated with questions.

Only a few people didn't get us anything at all - which is totally fine. I remember one of my friends who was really skint bought me a teaspoon. She said she wanted to get us 'something'

I really am starting to think this is a British thing. Interesting, since we have such a well established and overt class system. I wonder if there's a connection.

I think it’s a bit odd if there is no food at all but as an evening guest I wouldn’t expect a sit down 3 course meal. I’m getting married soon and for evening guests we are having sausage sandwiches and chips (buffet style) and wedding cake.

We are not going to ask for any gifts from evening guests - possibly not even the day wedding guests (I don’t really like the idea of asking for gifts or money). I kinda think if someone wants to put some money in a card then they will. I do hope we don’t end up with a load of crap to go to the charity shop with though!!