AIBU to ignore the "honeymoon registry"

[NotAHappyBunnyHugger]

School friend is getting married this autumn. We are now in our mid-20s.
My partner and I are invited to the evening do, which starts at half 5. On the invitation and wedding website, there is no mention of an evening meal, just cake and welcome drinks, then a cash bar.

In the envelope with the invitation, they have included a card asking people to contribute money towards their honeymoon rather than giving physical gifts. I resent this a bit, when I'm paying for transport, accommodation, and a new outfit to fit the wedding's "theme", and not even getting an evening meal when I'm there. It feels a bit cheap.

I had already bought the couple a gift (a household item, but a really nice version that's handmade in the city I live in), but now I don't even want to give them that! The whole thing reminds me of kids at school who'd invite the whole class to their birthday party to get more presents.

I haven't been to any weddings before. Is this just normal? My partner and I are getting married in a couple of months and we've been careful to only invite the number of people we can afford to host properly (i.e. with plenty of food and booze). We wouldn't dream of asking our friends to pay for our holiday!

YABU - honeymoon registries are normal and acceptable. Get with it

YANBU - asking for gifts is tacky. People should pay for their own holidays

If there was no dress code on an invitation, I'd worry and contact the couple.
We didn't put a dress code on because none of our friends are stupid. Everyone knows what's standard for weddings. One guest called and asked if it was OK if his husband wore chinos and no tie. That was of course entirely fine and he didn't need to ask but I suppose is slightly below usual wedding attire.

I find it quite patronising to be told what to wear to a wedding because I'm not stupid and am aware of what usual expectations are.

So what is it?

Yes, but everyone knows what the general dress code is for a wedding

On this very thread we've got people who had completely casual weddings to those attending ones with dress code requirements that actually make them uncomfortable and require a new outfit they wouldn't normally buy - as you acknowledge in the same post! Black tie isn't the same as lounge suit - my husband once looked a slight plonker turning up in his penguin suit when all the other men were in standard ones. He misread the dress code.

But if there is a generally agreed sense of what's appropriate for a wedding, I wonder what we might call that established norm...

I don't mind the honeymoon fund. It makes it easier to not have to find a gift. But I'd definitely mind no food!

Everyone knows what's standard for weddings.

Oh, OK...

One guest called and asked if it was OK if his husband wore chinos and no tie.

But I thought everyone knew without guidance...

Yes, he knew it was slightly out of the usual so called to ask if I minded. That is no contradiction.

Black tie isn't the same as lounge suit - my husband once looked a slight plonker turning up in his penguin suit when all the other men were in standard ones. He misread the dress code.

and you did too? given your commitment to “etiquette” i’m very surprised that you didn’t comment!

Yes, not feeding your evening guests is poor form imo.

He told me it was black tie, they were his friends and he received the invite; I never saw it. There's a bit more crossover for women's outfits than with men's.

Nobody was horrible to him about it, it was just slightly funny. But yeah, it was a different dress code. They're a thing.

You never looked at the invite, goodness, i’m surprised!

Etiquette is that you give a gift to the same value of what it costs them for you to attend the wedding. So that's 2 pieces of cake, 2 drinks, and maybe a tip for the DJ.

Nobody was horrible to him about it

good grief there’d be absolutely fruit loops if they did!!

Yes, and you know me so well!

i’d have thought given your commitment to etiquette that you’d be all over the invite to ensure that you didn’t infringe any etiquette

when he misread the invite… what did it actually say?

At the time we weren't married and weren't living together. Friends of his invited him with a plus one, he told me the date, I asked the dress code and he picked me up on the day.

If I had known just how blown away you'd be to learn about a phenomenon that exists in literally every human culture since year dot, and how many silly assumptions you'd make about me for informing you of it...actually, I'd still have done it. But I'd have taken the piss more.

I assume lounge suit or smart casual. I never saw it and I really can't remember, it was close to 20 years ago. I'm only about 90% sure of whose wedding it was.

😆

Is it not poor etiquette to laugh at someone who has misread an invitation or over / underdressed for said occasion? Is it so funny and worth giggling over?

Surely when we invite family and friends to our wedding we know them and what their dress habits are? We don't need to tell them what to wear.

We went to a wedding which was themed black and cream for the wedding party, tables, decor etc but no dress code for the guests, our friend came in a leopard print slip dress, bright pink shoes and a yellow fascinator. This is how she dresses. No one was harmed, no one didn't have a good time, no wedding was spoilt, no one laughed at her.

this. just this

Is it not poor etiquette to laugh at someone who has misread an invitation or over / underdressed for said occasion?

Yeah, which is why nobody did it except for me, and as he proposed to me shortly afterwards, I think he was OK with it.

But that's one reason why dress codes exist - so you know what to wear and aren't over or under dressed.

You give a gift if you are attending - even if only an evening guest

Wedding lists or gift towards a honeymoon have been common for at least 3 decades.

I know some disapprove but why would you want your give an unwanted gift.

Honestly OP you are being completely tight not to gift.

so he didn’t adhere with the dress code
and no one laughed or was nasty
and all was well in the world

We had a casual wedding, not a dress for Asda casual but dress jeans a shirt type... people would look weird standing in a barn in tops and tails and evening gowns.

I think its fine to guide what to wear a bit like dress casual (maybe chinos and a cotton shirt) or cocktail (short pretty dresses) or work attire (ties and trousers) or formal (long evening gown) etc... no one wants to show up completely mismatched to everyone else but they are all 'acceptible' wedding wear for different weddings.

But that's one reason why dress codes exist - so you know what to wear and aren't over or under dressed.

By whose standards? You said he looked a right plonker and it was funny why?
And why does it stick in your mind over 20 years later if it was no biggie?