Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

You've had more than enough of the same advice.

He's got a drink problem.
He's abusive.
He is using you in every way.

Change the locks and put his things outside.

Start building up your own life.

Ask why you have no friends.
What's happened there?

Do you not mix socially with colleagues or belong to any groups where you meet people?)

You've got to start somewhere but it sounds as if you have a very skewed idea of relationships if you've put up with this for so long.

Was your childhood abusive?

What kind of role models did you grow up with?

I'm sure other posters have said this already but some kind of therapy seems the way forward to build your self-worth and stop you getting into these kind of relationships where you are being abused, emotionally, financially and physically.

I don’t think it can be any clearer - LTB. What is he bringing to your life? Absolutely nothing good that’s very clear. What a disgusting person

your worth so much more than saddling yourself with him forever.

Imagine a close friend was in your exact situation. What would you advise her to do?

I am genuinely clueless as to why I struggle to make friends. I get along with people, but not enough to make it a friendship? I could walk into a social setting and talk to anyone, and I would always receive comments of oh she’s so nice etc
but nothing comes of it.
My childhood was ok? Nothing out of the ordinary? Parents split when I was very young. Dad dipped in and out when he felt like it. I haven’t spoken to him for 10 years now- because I called him out on him not being a proper father - he never used to call/check in. This is probably the only time I’ve used my anger.

i moved from my hometown following a split, and decided to be a big girl as I realised nothing was making me happy around there. Even when I lived there my family didn’t bother checking in, nobody ever visited.

You seem like a lovely person, you have a good job, don’t let this awful man drag you down, get rid, you are worth more. There are lots of genuine, nice men out there. Don’t let your bad past choices put you off.

He took some of his stuff the other night. Most of it still here. He says he’s taking everything, including tv.

Good. Put the rest outside the door, text him to tell him to collect it, change the locks and block all future communications from him.

With this waste of space out of your life, have a think about taking up chances to meet new people and just relax and enjoy your independence.

I did manage to get a bit of sleep last night. But now it’s like Groundhog Day.

his mum asked if I could visit her today. I am unsure. I don’t think he will be there as she said he’s working. But I know he’s sold her this story that I’m the bad person for kicking off for him being late. That’s all he’s done wrong. So I’ll have to sit there and listen to her justify his actions, that have made me look bad.

Get rid of him. He's pointless.

Please end it with this disgusting, abusive lout and do not ever let him back into your life. Thank goodness its your home. Change the locks and leave him at his Mums. You are far better alone than with this alcoholic low life.
Then please get some counselling as soon as possible, you need advice and support to help you understand why you would accept such awful treatment.

You are living with an alcoholic
who is in throws of addiction and you don’t matter, only thing that does is where the drink is coming from.

As much as I’d like to tell you to visit and tell her he spat on you as she’s unwell I say don’t visit. You don’t have to defend yourself against his false narrative and you don’t want to be swayed by being gas lit through the way he talks about you to others. You know the truth of what’s gone on and you must hold on to that. Write a reality list of cold hard facts about him on your phones be read it whenever you have a wobble and question if you’re doing the right thing.

Don't subject yourself to that. You deserve better, SO much better. Please don't hang on to this wanker because of the thought of being alone. He is already leaving you alone, so there isn't much to miss.

Perhaps you should find a counselor to talk to and work on getting your confidence and self-esteem raised.

You sound like a wonderful person, and there are lots of people out there who would love to have you as a friend!

So I’ll have to sit there and listen to her justify his actions, that have made me look bad.
You don't have to anything.
'No' is a complete sentence etc.

Do you take the initiative to create friendships? Ask people to meet for a coffee or to see a movie? You sound quite passive in some of your posts as if you’re waiting for friendships to happen to you. Same with your comments about your parents. You’ve said a few times they don’t check in with you. Kindly, maybe it’s time to be proactive.

This could be me OP...everyone says im nice etc i socialize well but have no friends.
Ditch this guy hes a jerk...teenage strop jerk. I will be your friend ..if you dump the loser 😁.
Dont go see his mum...you can chat on the phone but you owe no one anything

Without being rude do you think you are too passive? Firstly with the making friends thing and secondly saying you’ll have to sit there and listen to her justify his actions, you have a voice lady, please use it. Start to prioritise yourself, not in a selfish way but treat yourself as you would treat a best friend.

someone said lout which is exactly the word I’d use for him. Kick him out asap. You’re worth way more than he’ll ever live up to. The spitting would be the straw that broke the camels back for me. Disgusting, degrading, horrible behaviour

I am very passive, but I will check in on them (mum, sister, cousins etc) and when I receive nothing back that’s my answer, so I don’t try again. They will organise things through facebook (I don’t do social media) and then I’ll be an after thought and invited at the very last minute and then they slag me off because I can’t drive the hour trip (be it work or finances).

You do not owe his mother anything. Go or don't go, but you don't have to. You don't have to care about what he says about you to his mother, because his drama has nothing to do with you.

I would spend the long weekend away from home - go somewhere else and just hang out on the beach or in the countryside or anywhere, and think about what you want from your life. Make a list - live somewhere convenient, have a group of friends, have a decent nice DP, have children, have no children and an aquarium, eat takeaway every Friday night - whatever - and then start putting it together.

I suspect it won't include your current guy because I don't think anybody would put him on a list of what they want from life.

And I know not to expect anything from him, but to not even check on me? I’ve literally heard
nothing from him at all. I also pay his phone bill- it’s attached to my contract. Only just remembered this!

Can you just tell his mother that you're pretty upset about everything and will be taking the bank holiday to reset and relax. Maybe you'll catch up with her next week. You don't owe her anything. You're an adult and can choose who you see when, she isn't in a position to summon you to anything.

Then use this time to rest and relax. I'm sure he's probably thinking he can get his mum to talk you round so he can carry on with his cushy life with you without having to apologise .

@StuckHurtDone so sorry to read your post. You absolutely have not done anything wrong.

you said in one of your replies to other pp that you have no friends of family nearby, which I think you are saying is one of the reasons you haven’t kicked him out yet, because you then wouldn’t have anyone around - is that right? From what you have posted, he isnt around you due to spending all his time in the pub. And when he is around you, he behaves disgustingly towards you.

Break Ups are always difficult, often even if we are being treated badly. But you do have the strength to get rid of him. You deserve so much better.

the bright side - you said the house is in your name, as that you are paying all the rent and bills anyway, and that he rarely contributes anything. It’s great that you will be fine financially without him, which is a massive plus!

with him gone, you can look into getting into a hobby locally to meet other people. Maybe a book club, a team sport, community garden/ other volunteering or something else that takes your fancy. Focus on what makes you happy because as I said, you deserve so much more.

I might be wrong, but I don’t think she’s summoning me. I haven’t been able to see her since she went to hospital. He always made excuses as to why I couldn’t go- oh I’ll just go straight after work etc (there was a 2 week period where nobody could visit due to norovirus on the ward). She genuinely likes (I think?!) me.

i see my family (occasionally) but they don’t bother in between these visits- and don’t check in. I told my mum about all of this last week and she hasn’t once rang or text to check on me.
i have no friends because thats the way its always been. I’ve had people I ‘know’ but not the kind that we meet up. I guess im just not their type of person

This part really resonated with me. That was me, 5 years ago. I left my alcoholic, beligerant, gaslighting partner and do you know what? Loads of people liked me and wanted to hang about with me, my family loved and cared for me - I was just so tired and worn out trying to keep the relationship going because I felt it was all I had that I couldn't see it. And that I felt the relationship was the only thing I had wasn't a coincidence, he made me feel that way.

For people who can't function properly as adults its 101 behaviour. Its not the mask slipping, its the only way these parasites can survive. The script is something like this: find someone with the resources to give him the life he wants, behave absolutely impeccably for as much time as needed to bond them to him, he'll do some subtle stuff to lower your self esteem. He'll then start behaving a little bit badly to test boundaries, nothing too outrageous - it'll all be forgivable. If that's worked he'll do some slightly less subtle stuff to further lower your self esteem and behave a bit more badly and so on down the hellish spiral until you're being called names and spat at by a drunk and wondering if you deserve it, all the while providing bed and board.

The good part of this story is that in the end they always go too far and suddenly we see it for what it is and it gives us the strength to fling them out.
I binned my ex partner 4 years ago and my life is brilliant, full of people who like me and love me and my confidence is soaring.
He on the other hand, moved into an other woman's house. She looks progressively more tired every time I see her, she's seeing less and less of our mutual friends and so his merry dance continues.

Sorry, this is an essay. Your story touched me. I hope it gets better for you, OP.