Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

This! I’d report the spitting to the 101 police number too so there is a record if he starts making trouble for you.

He is abusive, get rid of him please!

Look up the domestic abuse power and control wheel, you will very likely see a lot of things you recognise on there.

He might be an abusive horrible little man.

But he could be trying to block out trauma. Is he an alcoholic? He may need help / counselling. My husband can never have one drink. Once he starts that's it.

It's ok people saying he's just a dick but we don't actually know him.

It's easy to get angry with you about accepting this awful abuse - which is what is happening..you are being abused.

We have to remember though, low self esteem and confidence leads a person to accept all kinds of disgraceful behaviour.

You are obviously very worried about being 36 and being on your own..you need counselling to understand why this is, and why you find it difficult to form friendships.

It goes without saying that you should kick this disgusting thug out of your life, I hope you feel strong enough to do this soon.

He is not a nice guy and is abusing you. You don't really love him but more attached to the scrapes of affection he throws you.

I think you need some counselling to help yourself out of this situation and also call women's aid.

Consider looking up the freedom program.

Do you have any hobbies or volunter? These are ways of meeting people and forming friendships.

You deserve better and not from him!

You lost me when you said he spat at you. Jesus op, he’s beyond disgusting and you deserve more. You don’t love the real him - you love the him you want him to be, and the him he showed you early on which sadly was fake. Please get rid of this piece of shit.

So. Fucking. What.

Trauma is not an excuse for spitting at someone and it's not her responsibility to fix him and his "trauma".

I had ptsd. I didn't spit at anyone.

Lock him out tonight and end this fucking nonsense.

you are not a doormat and he is a digusting loser.

Read your OP back and imagine it’s a friend, what would you say. Why are you pining for a man who spits at you.

please be serious.

Please for your own sake change the locks and drop his stuff off at his mums this man is nothing but an alcoholic ponce ( sorry but it's true ) he brings nothing to the table except misery and failed promises.
He drags you down and does nothing but makes you doubt yourself and feel sad.
Start today as the rest of your life get rid of him and he is not worth wasting your life with let him waste his own.

Sorry but this is a situation of your own making by continually accepting this behaviour. Break up, move on. You will continue to be sad and alone while you’re in this situation, nothing worth doing is easy. Yeah you might be lonely for a bit (but who isn’t after a break up even if you’re surrounded by friends and family) - your in rented, if you don’t like the area, and don’t have kids in school just move… in 1 month you could be somewhere totally new, sounded by new potential friends and away from this totally toxic relationship. If anyone ever spat at me they would immediately be removed from my life, no question.

Please just get rid of him and stop all these justifications.

oh he was good, his mums sick, I’m a people pleaser, his friend died…SO WHAT?!

how long have you been putting with this nonsense.
find a hobby, put some actual effort into making some friends at work rather than trying to be make a relationship with a drunken loser.

Without this looser you can spend some of your life doing things that make you happy - like trying out a new restaurant.
Take in a lodger if you have to but live your own life to suit yourself. for a while.
You might meet a reasonable man, who is a keeper, at a hobby group in the next few years.

You will find friends, sleep better and be more content without the continual worry that your current partner causes.

Spring is a time for new beginnings
Make this your new beginning and change your life today.
Locks changed clothes out.
Take up some hobbies, join some classes you will meet people who have the same interests as you and you will make friends.
You have no confidence and no friends and I bet he loves that.
You need to be strong and get your life back if you have another 50 + years would you still want this life I hope not.

Got as far as him spitting at you.

get rid of this useless piece of shit

You’re in a failed relationship at the moment so you’re not achieving success by staying with him.

I don’t know how you can stand to share space with him to be honest. I’d rather be alone any day.

Choose the nicest person at your new work and ask them if they'd like to go for lunch one day next week. After the lunch say to them "I was really worried about making new friends here so I'm really glad you're so lovely". Then you have one new friend.

Stop sitting at home waiting for him to come home. Join a bookclub or an exercise class or something one night a week. Buy yourself a takeaway from nice new restaurant on the way home. You'll feel 100% better for doing something for yourself.

What you've done wrong is stay.

His mum is in her own home again and unless you have children you've not mentioned it's easier for you to leave. What's he bringing to your life apart from misery.

I really feel for you OP. Splitting with someone is hard, even if they treated you badly, and a lack of self esteem makes that even harder as its easy to feel its better to have someone, anyone, rather than no one. Please just take some time to think about what you want and deserve from your life...sometimes its easier to pretend you are at the end of your life and looking back...what would you like your life to have been like? What regrets would you have?. You are only in your thirties and if you can find the strength and courage to cut him loose you have plenty of time to work on building new friendships and relationships in your life, its not too late. Its tempting as we get older to think we have chosen our path and just need to put up with it, but thats not the case. You also probably have some attachment feelings because of the way you met. Ultimately, you cant change another person, they have to want to do it themselves, and he just doesnt. So you have to remove him from your life or nothing will change. Focus on removing him, then making new friendships at work or clubs, hobbies etc. Sending you courage and hope x

If he treats you this way he obviously doesn’t like you so why have him in your life?

You wouldn’t call someone a friend if they didn’t like you but just wanted you for your money and what you could offer so why accept it from your partner?

I don’t want another failed relationship

@StuckHurtDone this really shouldn't even be on your radar. You're in a relationship with an abusive, argumentative, drunk twat and your big worry is that you won't want another failed relationship? You'd be doing yourself the most enormous favour to kick this useless piece of shit out.

And then, may I kindly suggest, that you get some help with your self-esteem. Why do you think that this kind of abusive loser is the best you can get? Why are you clinging onto someone who is so unpleasant and objectionable? Why do you respect yourself so little that you'd allow this man to SPIT at you in your own home? Get rid of him and then find yourself a therapist who you can help you to find some self-respect so this doesn't happen again

Whether you kick him out or keep him the relationship is failed though, the current situation is not a relationship it's him using a woman to allow him to live rent and bill free so he doesn't have to work any more than enough to have drinking money. He brings a truckload of negative and seems like nothing positive to your life, except sex I suppose but given how self centred he is I doubt that's much good either tbh.
I understand you are lonely and struggling but by the sounds of it a pet would actually be of more support and benefit to you than this user

You haven’t “built a life with him” you’ve built one FOR him. He contributes exactly nothing - he’s a cocklodger and you’d be better off without him. Get yourself out to some evening classes, take up a hobby to meet new people.

You need to take back control. You need to find your anger - how dare he treat you this way. Spitting at you is assault. Disgusting filthy piece of shit.

You don’t love him - you love the person you thought he was. You love someone who doesn’t exist. That was his fake act when you first got together. He is showing you now who he really is.

Dont put up with this for a moment longer. You are still young and have many happy and exciting things to come your way in life - step 1 - get rid of this loser.

You are in a position of control - you don’t even rely on him financially. Get him out of the house - he has no legal right to even be there. Let him take his stuff and dont get hung up on stuff like TV etc, you can always buy a second hand one for hardly anything these days.

Quick him out properly. You won’t be worse off financially since he doesn’t contribute and you’ll gain peace and an anxiety free home. You can make friends and build a better life for yourself.

The thing is, I’m not exactly a confrontational person. In fact I run away from it.

@StuckHurtDone and he knows it. He knows he can get away with any kind of bad behaviour because you will take it lying down. He has no respect for you.

I love him though.

No you don't. You love what you want him to be, and he will never be what you want him to be. If you stay with him he will continue to treat you like a doormat and disrespect you until he has completely destroyed any self esteem you once had.

He is not good for you. You know what you need to do.

Who he “was” wasn’t real. That was the nice guy act he put on to reel you in and get you emotionally enmeshed with him. He probably needed somewhere to live too🙄

@Ohffsbarbara is right. This guy doesn't love you, he just wants somewhere to live.