Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

Sounds like you have two things going on here- a bad boyfriend and the self esteem and loneliness issues that lead to bad boyfriend choices.
First most pressing issue is to get rid. you are nearly there on that! bob his things out the front and don't let him in again. Don't let him steal anything you have bought!! if the telly is yours keep it. call the police if he's abusive on pick up of his stuff or tries to steal your things.
DON'T go and see his Mum today! if you need an excuse pretend you've been exposed to something infectious at work, workmate just rang they have scarlet fever/shingles/whatever you don't want to pass it on. Send her a nice card if you genuinely like her but don't go round.
Deal with the break up in the here an now and then on making friends and healing yourself. You are a strong, brave woman who had the guts to relocate, you have a good job, you are in your prime.

Sweetheart, stop this. He manipulates situations so that you are the bad guy and you believe him and try to be better- try to anticipate his "needs" and what will/won't make him mad at you. You spend your entire life treading on egg shells around him, waiting for the odd bit of affection that he throws your way on occasion, just to make you still hang on waiting for the guy you fell in love with to return.
But he never actually existed. Or if he did, he certainly doesn't now.

You are doing something wrong. But it's wrong for you, not for him. He likely has addiction issues and living with you facilitates him having the life he wants. But you are in a partnership that you are getting nothing from. Many relationships have one person giving more than the other- but you are giving everything and getting nothing back. I know right now you're thinking of the odd occasion he has been nice to you in order to prove me wrong because that is the kind of person that you are.

Making the first move to get rid will be very hard for you. Sticking to your guns will be hard for you. But, please do it. Life will improve I promise. This emotional abuse of you has to stop. Do not see his mum for her to reinforce that you are a bad person. Seek out some support groups, counselling etc. Time to look after you.

Best of luck x

Don't go to his mother. She may want to genuinely see you. Or she may be getting you out of the flat so he can go and clear it out while you're not there. Wait till the locks are changed.

You sound kind and he doesn’t deserve you at all.
I agree with making a list of what you need and want in your life and start working on it. Do you have any hobbies? Are there any local groups you could join? This can be a good way of finding friends with similar interests.
Seeing his mum doesn’t sound like a good idea today xx

his mum asked if I could visit her today.

Yeah don't do this OP. She wants rid of him.
Bag his stuff, change the locks and block him and his mum. Life is too short to waste it on twats.

You need to get this man out of your house, and out of your life, immediately. He is an abusive, drunken, lout.

If its your 'boyfriend: saying his mum wants to see you, that could be tactics from him to reel you back in.

I don’t think it is? I might be wrong seeing as I’ve been wrong about everything else x

Get rid of the man in your house: he's not a partner because he doesn't add anything and it's not an equal mutually respectful relationship.
Then as others said focus on yourself. Join a class or hobby group and chat to people, ask at work if anyone wants to go for a drink, you sound lovely and you will make friends. It takes time.
Let your mum know you feel uncared for and would like more support. She may not be able to give it but if you don't ask you don't know.

@StuckHurtDone I’ve said YABU. because come on. He’s shown you what an arse he is and you’re still hanging on looking for change. Change the locks while he’s gone. Never let him back in. Get some self respect and enjoy your life. Being single is way more fun than the life you’re drudging your way through unloved and disrespected. Being used for money.

He sounds like scum. Spitting at you? You need to get rid of this piece shit before you do anything else.

This man sounds absolutely awful. The ‘failed relationship’ is all him. Getting him to leave will be something to be proud of, not ashamed of. Honestly he has ground you down and you have lost perspective. Please get rid of this awful man. I believe your self esteem has taken such a knock which is why you don’t have any friends. But you are worthy of friends, and once you get rid of this guy and the disproportionate amount of energy he is zapping from you, you will be able to focus on you and the life you actually want x

Change the locks to your house
Bag up his stuff
And get him out

Ring the police 101, just to give them the heads up just incase it kicks off, tell him you've done this.

Oh dear god, love. Why? How??

How do women find themselves in these horrifying messes with these utter shits?

You are better than this.

You are worth more.

You are fine.

He. Is. Vile. Abusive and controlling, financially using you, dominating, draining you dry, spitting at you??

Do you have anyone to turn to who can help and emotionally support you?

Please read this:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

Let him go. It’s not a failed relationship. Its freedom. You sound exhausted. See it as an opportunity to turn your life around. Try new hobbies you will make friends. It seems scary now but it will get better.

Also, report the spitting to the police. You don't need to take it further, but if it kicks off when you kick him out (and please do - you deserve so much better than the way he's been treating you) you have a trail of evidence/incidents.

OP, it seems to me that you have lived a fair bit of your life waiting. And then being disappointed.
Waiting for your dad to drop by.
Waiting for your relatives to check up on you
Waiting for friendships to develop
Waiting for this dreadful drunk to come to his senses. (Even though you know he never will)

It’s good you got angry with your dad. It’s good you moved area after your last break up. That’s exactly that potential inside you, that you have to resurrect and use right now.
Finish this relationship properly today. Text him to collect the dregs of his life in bin bags from your doorstep and to post his key through the letter box.
Tell his mum it’s over because he’s an abusive alcoholic who spits on you as he’s incapable of communication.
Then block them both and never see/speak to them again.
I know that’s hard but you really do have to do it for your future self.
From today, you are investing in your future.

OP, you deserve a million times better than the life you are living.
Take your time to get over this hurt. Read about how to help yourself. All efforts should go to that and to your job for now. You may need help from counselling.
Then, eventually, you can learn how to be a little more proactive with family and potential friends so that decent relationships fill your life. You can do this.
You are young enough to turn your life around so don’t look back. Good luck !

Do you think perhaps you’ve made excuses for him because he’s lost his best friend and his mum is ill?

No amount of grief/stress/hardship makes his behaviour in any way excusable. Can you imagine spitting at someone? How much would you have hate them to make that somehow seem acceptable? Get rid of him.

From the perspective of an outsider, he sounds like a useless, pointless, alcoholic, abusive twat. Your life will continue to be miserable if you remain with him.

Sometimes, to maintain healthy friendships, you have to be the proactive one, not passively wonder why no-one else makes the effort. Again, from an outsider’s perspective, your passivity with regards to friendships outside your current unhealthy partnership with a waste of space, probably comes across as you being the one who is not interested enough to make any effort or take any friendship risks. Somehow, you need to get yourself into a mindset where you proactively leave this man and proactively make more effort with other friendships that do not involve you moving in with someone miles from anyone else you know and focusing on just the one, pointless person who gives you nothing but grief and excuses.

You know her and we don't but is there a chance if he's spending more time there and regularly turning up drunk that she is worried about him and wants to talk to you about it without him there?

I would just like to say though, imagine a day without all this worry about him. Just imagine how free you would feel.

you moved following a breakup and by the sounds of things started a relationship with him very shortly afterwards. I get the feeling you don't really know who you are any more.

Dump him and find out.

OP - reading your updates on no friends (and little contact with your family) do you think you give out an aura of not being interested?

It comes over in your posts as if you are waiting for other people to reach out to you. Maybe you have no friends because you aren't making any moves to make friends. Maybe you come over as distant or aloof?

You're also hanging on to this man because you have no one else.
If you had friends, they'd be there to support you and give you a sense of perspective. They'd be worried about you.

I know this might sound critical, but you have to learn to make friends. Don't wait for people to reach out for you.

If you rely on a man to fill all the gaps in your life, then that's partly why you are so scared of the relationship ending- and also why you're putting up with being treated like shit.

At 36, it sounds as if you have a history of being treated badly.

Time to do some self-analysis as to why you have ended up with this man, allowed him to treat you badly, and have no one else to turn to.

If his mum wants to see you, ask her to meet you for a coffee in a cafe.

Somewhere neutral. On your terms.

Stop agonising and jumping to what other people want. Be a bit more assertive.

And, being blunt, when you split up with this man (which you must) she isn't going to be in your life really any more, is she?

Every single thing that has been said is right. And I’d be saying the same to someone else.

i don’t think I make excuses for his behaviour but I have allowed it based on promises and the ‘potential’ that comes with it. I hope for more.

I could never afford counselling.

I know I need to get my act together. I’m pathetic for acting like this. I can’t even muster the energy to tidy the house. I’ve filled the washing up bowl at least 10 times but haven’t got round to it. I know im wallowing I just can’t do it. I’m just sitting in my chair watching the birds dig for worms in the grass

He’s a drunk, abusive cocklodger.

Dump him now.

I wouldn't normally quote so much of someone's post, but this is gold. Especially the last paragraph. You have so many years ahead to find a happy you. It starts with ridding yourself of this abusive man. Then finding what makes you happy by yourself. Don't be scared of a "failed relationship". The alternative is living it everyday, and you deserve far more than that.