Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

You know what you need to do op.....he spat at you ...you worth much more than him.

So sorry you're going through this. Spitting is foul. I think it's one of the most disgusting disrespectful things anyone can do to you. I might be wrong but I think it's legally classed as assault and rightly so.

I know it's hard to make changes but in a few months time your life would be so much calmer, easier and fulfilled without this piece of shit dragging you down. Life is too short to be with someone who treats you so appallingly. Dig deep and find the strength to leave. With no kids and the house in your name it won't be too hard practically.

OP, he spat at you. Twice. Get the vile waste of space out of your life. No one should accept that kind of contempt. Please understand that.

OP you’re an absolute mug. Who pays all the bills and asks for money to play with.

Are you just with him because you don’t want to be single?

You know if I was reading this as someone else I’d be mortified. But once you’re In this position it’s hard. If he was a young lad I’d kind of accept they need to go through finding themselves etc… he’s 47!!

Because unfortunately so many men are crap. Not all but lots. Which means most of us have found ourselves in bad relationships at some or several points.
Please know it’s not just you going through this. It may take a few goes but chances are there will be better times ahead.

The zero friends thing… I know you don’t want to hear it but a big part of the answer is joining groups. I know it’s difficult. Really difficult but it’s crucial. Yes even with social anxiety. Got to be done.
Support groups, hobby groups (art, photography etc.), sports if interested, and groups on Meetup, social groups, walking groups, wildlife groups, mental health groups, board game groups. Book groups. Crafting groups. Charity boards. It takes time and there’s no short cut. But the sooner you start. Don’t leave it, it gets harder as you get older.

Why is it hard?

He’s a wanker.

His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). I bet it isn’t- I bet he’s stashing it.

If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. ????? I can see no element of ‘team’ in your relationship. You are a doormat. You are worth more than this. Is being with this cunt, better than being on your own? He knows he can do whatever he wants to you. He will hit you next.

He spat at you?! Fucking hell, his feet wouldn’t touch the ground. Get a locksmith out to change the locks, tell him to piss off and block him.

What does this parasite add to your life? I don’t know what the freedom programme is but I see it quoted a lot. Maybe try that, join groups, vent here.

The only grateful thing you should be feeling is when you see the back of this disgraceful loser.

Honestly OP you are worth so much more than this.

Please take better care of yourself, your boundaries, your needs.

His stuff needs to go outside your front door where he can pick it up.

Get permission from your landlord and change the locks, pack all his stuff and leave it outside, block him on everything, start living your life without a cocklodger in it.

It's a LTB from me. He sounds horrible. He can't like you let alone love you. If you stayed how would you imagine retirement and old age with someone like that!

Chuck him out.

He adds literally nothing to your life and he is making you physically unwell. You have nothing to lose (except him) and everything to gain.

Sorry to sound harsh, but a failed relationship is exactly what you've got. He's an abusive piece of shit, who gets pissed, is unreliable and doesn't pay his way. He won't change, because he simply doesn't want to.

Please don't be a doormat, boot this cocklodger out. You can get another tv on credit if he takes that one!

@StuckHurtDone you’re a strong, capable woman.
You don’t need this horrible man.
Block him.
It’s Easter, go visit family or friends.
Get a hobby for the evenings.
Stay single for a while.

C'mon OP - you're holding all the aces. Just chuck his stuff out the door and lock it. Then start making plans for your wonderful new life. Some therapy to examine why you were prepared to put up with his shit, some serious investment in yourself. Onwards and upwards.

If you take him back now you know things will only get worse, right? Change the locks, get the rest of his stuff packed up & tell him when you'll be putting it outside for collection. And don't give him the TV.

Why do you value yourself so little that you think this is an acceptable way to
live?

You know what you need to do sweetheart. It's not as though he is making you happy. He's a hateful bastard. You'll actually be happier on your own. Wishing you the best. Change the lot and fuck the rest of his shit in the garden.

Yes its difficult but, you need to put your big girls pants on and get some self respect. Hes walking all over you and this wont change. So, you take the difficult first step and put yourself first, or you put up and shut up.

Bin his sorry ass
a failed relationship is better than someone like him

I guess by 'hard' you mean being on your own in your late 40s? Maybe, but it's infinitely better than being with someone who behaves like that. He SPAT at you FFS. You're worth so much more than that, and him.

YABU for keeping this lowlife in your life. Get rid ASAP.

Sorry OP but your relationship has already failed. You have one life and you do not want to live it this way. Get him out of your house and start rebuilding your life in a calmer and more positive way, without being abused and dealing with a useless, alcoholic man child.

It will get better for you, find yourself again, find your happiness. Join in with some local groups, find some hobbies, meet decent people and form new friendships - there are plenty out there I promise.

I’m actually only 36 which probably makes this worse

This man is never going to make you happy. Or even just not totally miserable. He is a drain on your life.
You deserve to be happy, either alone or with someone else.
Make sure he stays gone and block him. You may feel lonely for a while but it won't be forever.