Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

Oh dear. Its a rarity I say this but for what its worth if I was you I'd leave this man if only to at least try to bring him to his senses.

There is nothing remotely pleasant about this cocklodging arse.

LTB

If it’s all in your name then kick him out. I read post like this and wonder…
Stop being a door mat

Well, he'll keep sticking around because he has a sugar mama he can do anything to- including spit at- and get away with. Few women would tolerate this and I'm sure he's wise to that.

So it's going to have to come from you. You're only 36, don't leave it until you're 40. Every day is a day lost, where you could be pain-free without him. Where you could be with a good man who respects you, and contributes financially and emotionally to the relationship.

Everyone knows the song Fast Car. At the end she says 'you've got to make a decision: leave tonight or live and die this way'. How many years of your life do you want to waste on this? Looking back during your old age, are these the times you want to dominate your memories. If you have one life, do you want to spend it being a drunk's doormat?

But it's going to have to come from you. Nobody else can fix it.

What has happened in your life to make you think that you are not worth so so much more than this? Everyone deserves respect, care and kindness, it is the bare minimum. You wouldn't treat a friend like this, so don't allow this to be the treatment you get. I hope you find peace and happiness and get rid of that waste of space.

Right OP. The first step is to be the bravest you've ever been in your life and kick him out. Don't think, just do it.

The second step is a fuckload of therapy, or at least reading a lot online if you can't afford the therapy. Because what this is screaming is that you have massive emotional consequences for yourself as a result of something in your past, probably but not necessarly in your childhood. The fact that your mother has shown no concern for you recently also points that way. And whatever happened it's made you a shell of the person you could and should be.

You do not believe you're worth anything. You do not feel you deserve to have friends. You DO believe that your purpose in life is to abase yourself by being nice to others, however badly they treat you. By letting them take as much of you as they want but never dreaming of thinking you deserve anything back.

OP please believe me. I don't know you. But I am absolutely damn certain that you DO deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. And you have to find out why you don't believe it yourself.

💐💐🌸

He was a good man.

How was have a good man? He’s been living off you since you got together. He’s maintained his friendships using his “fun” money, while your friendships have slipped away. He abuses you and his mother. Has he ever actually gone out of his way to help you in a way that really cost him something? Or were these “good” times always ones that were also good for him in some way, it’s just you liked them too?

Why choose to be unhappy? Move on with your life and reclaim your peace.

You are only 36, it might not feel like it but you are young. I think you need to get rid, no one should ever spit at someone, that is so disgusting and disrespectful, and if you stayed with him it’s quite likely to escalate to physical violence.

I would have the locks changed, pack up his stuff and leave it outside of the house. Might also be worth a discussion with Womens Aid or similar charity to help you do this as safely as possible.

Then, spend some time learning to love yourself. I’m hearing a lot of sadness from you about lack of family and friends in your life. Time to look at a new hobby, get involved in a local charity or club and meet some new people. You deserve so much more than you’re getting right now x

Do you want your life to be the same in five years time?
I stupidly ignored the red flags.
I stupidly listened to ex-hs ‘sunk cost fallacy’ rubbish
And his pathetic excuses.
5 years later he’d almost bankrupted me. I’d lost all my friends because of his behaviour. I was a wreck.
That’s when I had the sense to get out. It took a lot of therapy to get over the 5 year hell.
Don’t be me —- get him out now, change your locks and block him everywhere. It’ll save you a fortune in therapists for a start.

Read my lips.

Leave
The
Cunt.

Save yourself from this piece of absolute pond life scum asap, get yourself counselling to build up that self esteem and strength.
YOU KNOW you are being used & abused- that’s the first positive step. The next- the him the fuck out. Stay strong x

He’s gaslighting you. Treating you like shite and making you question yourself - making you think you’ve stepped out of line.

Try to take your feelings out of the situation. Look at the facts and imagine it’s happening to a friend.

What advice would you give them?

You must see it’s not working, be thankful he’s not so engrained into your life. You have not lost control to him, you have a choice. Take the power back by making a choice.

You cannot accept someone who has so little respect for you as to spit and ignore you for days on end….

He does not care about you do pack his stuff up to collect. If it’s not his, he can swivel. Sounds like he owes you lots as he’s been a cock lodger. Get rid…seriously.

What the hell? You need to end this toxic relationship. He can go and live with his mum and help care for her. Poor woman.

You will be so much happier without him.

This is not going to get better.

Just get rid.

Good luck 💐

Do you want to be with someone, who loves you for you? Get married maybe? Have kids perhaps?

If your answer is yes to just to one of these questions, it is time to get rid of this man. And if you want kids you are wasting your fertile years on him.

I know this is a silly question but I’m going to ask so hopefully you can see the flip side:

Do you want to feel abused and unfulfilled, unloved and taken advantage of financially, living with a man, who’s more in love with booze than you?

If so, stick with it. You’re on the right path.

This is such a sensible and practical response OP - please take it on board.

Your partner is not going to change at 47 and someone who can't be bothered caring for his own family will not be caring towards you.

At 36 years old you have plenty of time to meet someone who is kind/hard-working and fun. Not someone who treats you appallingly. :(

He sounds utterly intolerable. Far better to be single than wasting your time with a man like him. Ask the LL to change the locks so he can’t come back given the house is in your name and he doesn’t pay rent. Then find yourself a hobby that you’d like to join and sign up to a club to build your self esteem and maybe make a friend.

Act swiftly OP - the locks need changing. This is domestic abuse - ring Womens Aid for advice. You are worth so much more. Once rid, please consider staying single, and working on your self esteem. Call the police if he returns to remove your stuff, or is verbally ir physically abusive. Spitting is assault and a sign of utter contempt.

No you don't. Come on. The person you 'love' doesn't exist. You don't actually love the person he is.

Better single than with this monstrosity.

The best years of your life are ahead of you OP. You are so young. All the good things are still to come. Get rid of this guy and move onwards and upwards. Once he’s gone and you are free you can figure out what you want from life and how to achieve it. Best of luck to you.

Edited
So, he's out of the house? Good!

Leave him, try and build yourself back up. There must be a reason you don’t have a friend in your life - therapy will help you work on it. (Not talking about your family - they should support you whatever) Try and get some hobbies/volunteering.

He is not a good person. Spitting at you should have been the end.

You need to pack up his stuff and send him a message to say it is over. Then block him on everything.

I don’t say this will be easy but the only way to heal from this awful abusive relationship is proper therapy and NC.

Take time off work if needed.

Read back what you wrote this isn’t love it isn’t even like - this is awful.

I wish you peace but this relationship is not 0 or even -1 impact on your life but totally -10 or worse.

my lovely - value yourself more, you don’t deserve this, you can’t change an abusive, nasty drunk you can’t make him a decent person - that a dead end. Accept it. And value yourself more.