Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

An outsider's view of what? I just hope you find the strength to do what you need to do. I voted you were being unreasonable because no one should have to put up with this behaviour. Be reasonable and don't.

So true. It's amazing the act they can put on until they have you stuck. My mum told me my father changed virtually overnight once he had her 'locked down' with marriage/kids/house. He became a completely different person. And not in a good way. It took her 30 odd miserable years to escape, but she finally did and is living a wonderful life now, the one she always deserved so there's always hope.

You will not be less happy or stressed alone than you will be for the rest of your life if you spend it with him.

Please take the advice you'd give one of your friends in this situation and leave this horrible man who doesn't value you. You deserve better.

An easy LTB from me.

Re the rest of your life- you can work on this WHEN you’re free of this charmer.

You think you love him- you don't really. You want him but not as he is, as another version of himself. The problem is that isn't the real him. The real him is a lazy, lying drunk who spits at you, verbally abuses you, disrespects you (and his own mother), lives off you and does absolutely nothing to enhance your life.

You'll feel much better if you make the decision and take control of this situation. You are worth so much more and deserve someone who will love you, treat you with respect and build a decent partnership with you. It will never be this man- he isn't capable of it.
Change the locks- in this situation that is legal.
Put his stuff in a couple of bin bags. Drop it off at his mum's while he is at work.
Do not give him anything he did not pay for.
Never allow him in your house again- for any reason.
Never speak to him again, or text him, or see him.
If he enters your mind occupy yourself with something (anything) until it passes.
Never look back. Be glad that you got rid of him now.
I'd say move but I know that isn't always easy.
It will be hard for a few weeks but you'll be amazed how quickly it starts to feel better.
You deserve a better life than this.

Aww OP, I'm sorry he's such a shit to you. You deserve so much better.

I know you said you don't want another failed relationship but this is a failed relationship - he treats you so badly, shows you so much disrespect, doesn't even contribute to bills. This isn't what a successful relationship looks like.

At 36 you still have time to change things- whether that be as a happy single who knows her worth or with a decent partner who deserves you.

Please don't waste more precious years with this twat. 💐

Please spend some time on yourself, instead of this loser. Find something you like doing - a hobby, where you can meet other people. Make a friend. Be in touch with your family. Be kind to yourself. You need to work on building your own life. Relationships can come later.
Good luck ✊

You’ve tried too hard. You give too much. Value yourself and demand the same respect that you give them, in your next relationship.
It’s often the case that when you try to please too much, people take advantage and don’t seem to value you. Make sure it’s two sided next time and you don’t give too much of yourself, unless it’s reciprocated.

You're just human and most of us have kissed a few frogs. Everyone makes a mistake, and many of us will give the benefit of the doubt to see if a relationship will shape up when it has started off well but seems to be faltering. The real mistake to regret would be to stick around with someone who treats you badly. You are worth more and the good life is out there - put your energy into finding it!

This. Why are you still with him?!

God, I’d be SO angry if someone I knew was in your situation.
You are throwing away NOTHING
Your family are crap: that’s not your fault but it has conditioned you to accept really poor behaviour.

You know how you want him to be how he was, the guy you loved? That guy does not and did not exist. He was the fake one. He lured you in. Having lured you, there was no longer any need for the nice fake version of him. You’re left with a nasty selfish cunt, who you have no chance of happiness with.

you will be happier alone. Chuck the piece of shit out. If he takes your stuff, video it on your phone and tell the police.

you sound like a nice person. You don’t deserve to be with someone so horrible.

I'm sorry you're hurting but this isn't love. He's out drinking all hours, verbally abusive and spitting at you. Please don't put up with any more of it, you deserve better.

I don’t want another failed relationship

I’m trying to say this kindly OP, but what part of this relationship is at all a success? It isn’t. Time to cut your losses and get rid. He brings nothing to your life. You can do so much better, really you can, even if you don’t think so now. Please bin him.

I’m sorry to read you’re in such an awful
relationship. I really can’t see any positives for this man. As hard as it is to leave he won’t ever make you happy

Doesn't sound like he is going to change. You say you don't want to end this abusive relationship. So it will be more of the same until you do.

"I have zero friends. Literally nobody."

Not true. You have literally HUNDREDS of well-meaning and knowledgeable friends on here.

Don't get down. It is because you have reached rock bottom and now the only way is up. You have actually done the hardest part: finally recognising the need for change in your life.

xxx

You don’t want another failed relationship you said. This is a failed relationship. Tell him to go.

For heaven's sake OP, find your anger. Don't let anyone, ever, treat you like this. If you can find the courage to leave him, friends will come, I promise you.

Broken beyond belief?! By this useless millstone of a man?
Wow.

Anyway youve had good advice on thread you'd be wise to take it instead of sacrificing your life to a man

But you hold all the cards here OP.

He is:

• Abusive
• Assaulted you (the spitting)
• Sounds like he's become an alcoholic
• Unpleasant (to you, his mum, and probably anyone else where he can get away with it
• Lazy and unhelpful
• Likely to end up with a criminal record soon, for drunk driving if nothing else
• A liar
• A loser

You have:

• Your own money and job (= independence)
• No kids
• Think you said a rental in your name?
• Family elsewhere
• And are relatively young still.

You are likely only lonely cos you've been spending all your evenings waiting at home on your own for him to show up! Please kick him to the kerb, then you will have the time and freedom to do what YOU would like to do (visit your family, take up some activities, meet new people, have some fun!) and I'm sure you won't be feeling lonely for too long. Better than feeling on your own IN a supposed "relationship", surely?
Also, it's a long weekend now - the perfect time to dump the dead weight, change the locks and make some exciting future plans? Good luck!

Enough people have commented on his actions so I'd only be echoing their thoughts. I'm concerned about you emotionally not having friends or family for support. Is there anything anyone can help with that? Obviously I'm not wanting you to out yourself but if maybe you could say a region or county some kind people who know the area may be able to PM you and suggest some local groups or activities you might fancy and could meet some new people?

OP, when my dad was terminally ill, I was incredibly stressed and finding things extremely difficult. I was only in my 20s and had to sort out all caring “sadmin”, liaise with various agencies, care for him on a full time basis, etc. I NEVER once spat at my partner or treated him badly during this time. It just wouldn’t have occurred to me - if anything, I needed him more than ever and desperately wanted to be with him for comfort. His mum being ill is not an excuse to treat you so badly and you are not being unreasonable to end things. Know your worth.

Honestly the sooner he's gone the sooner you will feel better. Even just the thought of watching tv in your own eating your dinner at a normal time sounds fecking brilliant compared to this shit show.

Change the locks. Watch tv in your jammies for a week and then get yourself a life. I know it feels impossible when you feel like you have no friends but he isn't helpmu with this.
Rent out your spare room if you have one. Join a gym or similar, see what's on in the evenings in the FE college anything to get into the community xx