Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

i know it’s not right, I know what I would say to someone in my situation. But Jesus it hurts. To know you’ve given your everything, I’ve tried to make it work. Ive clearly gone wrong somewhere. I know you all say it’s not my fault, but I’ve attracted him,
I’ve built a life with him, there must of been signs. I should have seen them. Im not a stupid person, I’m well educated, ive always held ‘good’ jobs.

Know your worth. Always. If you were reading this post about someone else, what would you do? You’d tell them to pack his stuff, put it outside the door, text him to pick it up, and tell him you’re done. Block his number and change the locks. You’re lucky in that you don’t have children with him, and you can afford to live by yourself, with the lease in your name. That gives you power, so don’t waste it. Be strong and your confidence will grow on the back of it. You can do it!

Right op, you're going to wipe your face, look in the mirror and say out loud "I'm worth more than this". Then you're going to get some black bags and pack up all his stuff, and put it outside. Lock the door behind you with the key left in the lock so he can't come in. Buy a new lock tomorrow/ get someone to fit it for you. Block his number/ all social media. And then you move on with your life. Say to yourself I will no longer allow this man to have any negative affect on my life.

Why are you blaming yourself for his shitty behaviour? You are not making him do anything - he is a grown man in control of his own actions - and he chooses to abuse you, shout at you, spit at you. He does it because he doesn’t give a shit about you and he knows he can get away with it. It’s like someone kicking a dog.

You need therapy to work on your self esteem OP - why do you think this is all you’re worth and that it’s somehow your fault? That’s fucked up - it almost sounds like you want to punish yourself. Did you have an abusive childhood or was your parents marriage a similar dynamic?

WTF have I just read?!! Why aren’t you already rid?? Sorry am I missing something

Kick him out.
When does your rental agreement end? Move house, don't tell him where you've gone and never look back.

You've done nothing wrong. These control freaks act nice while they suck you in and then show their true colours. It can be insidious.....

He sounds as though he has a drink problem - to what extent it's not clear. But separately from that is how he treats you! Some people drink a bit more than they should but still are respectful partners and human beings. The drink may be causing the bad behaviour or may be a separate issue - but either way you should not have to put up with being spat at! That is the biggest red flag and an immediate out! Totally gross and unforgiveable.

The lack of contribution to bills etc was also a big red flag - but you are where you are. Please tell us you will LTB asap and not let him back home.

Get rid 💅 he sounds appalling on all fronts. Good luck to you OP

I love him though. Although the idea of loving who he ‘was’. I could probably say the same about him… im not like girls he’s dated previously. I don’t spend my time I. The pub looking for someone.

I should probably disclose that the reason we met was because my (new at the time) neighbour banged on my door asking for help as there was something wrong with her partner. I left her in my house while I went to sort him out. I ended up giving CPR for 45 minutes while waiting for an ambulance. He didn’t make it.

my partner was his best friend. We met after he died and got together after the funeral

I love him though. Although the idea of loving who he ‘was

Who he “was” wasn’t real. That was the nice guy act he put on to reel you in and get you emotionally enmeshed with him. He probably needed somewhere to live too🙄

Who he really is is the person you’re seeing now - his mask has slipped because they can’t keep up the act forever. And why should he be on his best behaviour when he knows you’ll take him back?

Honestly op - you need therapy and to ask yourself some hard questions. Either that or roll over and accept his treatment and spend the rest of your life being miserable.

But what’s that got to do with anything?

It doesn’t matter how you met - he’s a cunt.

Again, I don't understand why women put up with this. He'll keep being a fecking twat as long as you put up with it.

You need to kick him out ASAP, I know you think you love him but he is abusing you, you are worth more than being abused like this. Do you want to look back in 10 years time and realise you’ve wasted 10 years living like this?

Better to be on your own than be with some sponging, drunk, abuser who is just using you and treating you like dirt. Calling you miserable and spitting at you. Please wake up and pack his bags.

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

LTB. Now. Quick. Don't waste anymore time.

OP, where's your pride? I don't think you actually have to ask what you need to do - why are you clinging on to this bloke who has a mental age of about 4? What can you possibly be getting out of the relationship with a man who is a waste of space and oxygen, and a leech. How much more does he have to do before the penny drops that this will be your life while you continue to tolerate his behaviour?

And in case you didn't know, spitting at someone counts as assault.

Oh dear, he sounds like a disgusting person. Why put up with this? You don’t have friends then you try and make some? You don’t have family then create your own? Do not stay in a shitty situation because you feel as if you have no one. Wouldn’t you want to be totally alone then have someone treat you like dirt under their shoe?

You really really should know that you deserve better.

Get rid of him fast while you still can. Please.

This is an abusive relationship. Why is your bar set so low. Don't be heart broken. You need to find your anger. Anger that this man lacks so much respect for you. Spitting in your face? No don't accept it. You deserve so much better. You are better than this. Your life could be so peaceful and calmer without him

He's a drunken, abusive cocklodger.

This IS a failed relationship.

It's over, move on and you'll find someone who appreciates and respects you.

Horrible man.

Absolutely filthy behaviour OP. You already know that you need to ditch this useless dick.

You deserve so much more than he can offer. You deserve someone who makes you a priority.

Change the locks, then text him to say when his stuff will be outside the door. Don't let him in. Its over. Get on with your life. You will meet someone much better, but don't be afraid to go it alone for a while until you are ready for a decent relationship with someone with an iota of maturity and emotional intelligence. You can do it OP, and you owe it to yourself.

He’s 11 years OLDER than you and wasting your youth.

Hes a gold plated loser.

I feel sorry for you and his mum.

Change the locks.