Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

You poor love 😢 you have NOT done anything wrong and he knows it. He has a drink problem and seems to be using his mum's illness as an excuse to go out and get drunk and feel sorry for himself 😡 the spitting and verbal abuse would absolutely be the last straw for me - pack his stuff and put it on the doorstep and text him that he needs to come and get it. Change your locks. Life is too short to spend one more minute with him. You say you have no friends - now is the time to change that! Take up a new hobby - maybe a ladies walking group/yoga class/crafting? You deserve to enjoy your life so go out and do things that make you happy! Or why not book a few days off and visit family?

I'm still trying to work out why you'd want him 'home'.

You poor pet. Just an hour at a time over the coming weeks. Please don't let him back, he sounds like a monster. Spitting at people makes my stomach heave. You're beneath his contempt :(

Find your anger.

This man doesn't even like you and treats you with complete contempt.

Kick him out of YOUR house.

Eeeeew he spat at you ? filthy, disgusting creature, how have you not got the massive ick from that alone ? Never mind all the other shit which is awful, he SPAT AT YOU TWICE in your home.

I would bundle everything that he has left into black sacks and take it to the nearest tip. Pick up some dignity on the way out. He isn't 'stressed' he is just a pathetic excuse for a human being who is struggling with having to do a bit of adulting for once in his life. You deserve so much better.

I just want to be happy. I don’t know why I deserve this. I’ve got so much to give. I am so honest, open and faithful. The only thing I’m guilty of is getting upset when I don’t get time

I am appalled. Why do you still give him house room? What a disgusting excuse for a human.

i’ve read all your responses but not PPs responses.

Why is your self esteem at such a rock bottom OP? Being in a relationship isn’t the be all and end all, this is a poor excuse for a relationship,

you need to be away from this man and focus on building your self up, your self worth and your self esteem. Of course you know you need to leave him.

I don’t know why I deserve this.

You don’t, you know you don’t.

What’s happened is that his abuse has ground you down to thinking this is all you deserve. There is lierally nothing keeping you tied to him except the fucked up trauma bond you have that is making you paralysed with fear of actually doing anything.

Try to visualise how nice your life would be without him in it - no more walking on eggshells or being fearful of being spat at again.

Just get him out, pack his stuff whilst he’s at his mums, change the locks and block him/don’t answer the door to him. Call the police when he starts kicking off. He’ll soon get the message.

Stop with the misplaced guilt about his mum being ill - it’s not your problem and it’s the perfect time for him to go and move in with her isn’t it?

Imagine how you’d feel if your sister or daughter was in this situation- what would you tell them to do?

What a disgusting man. You say you just want to be happy, well he's not it and he won't change. Pack up his stuff and change the locks, you deserve so much better.

So what are you going to do about it? Because he certainly won't be doing anything

He was a good man. It worked for us.
He's a user and an abuser. Many men like that can appear quite lovely and caring, until they believe they have you reeled in and then they show their true colours. Some men like that start off thinking they truly want to have a 'good relationship', but then they can no longer 'hold the pose' and their true nasty self emerges. It doesn't matter which of these he is. But what he never was, was a 'good man'.

I just want to be happy.
And you deserve to be happy. We all want you to be happy and we don't even really know you. But you will never be happy with him.

I don’t know why I deserve this.
You don't. You absolutely DO NOT. So, don't accept being treated like this. You don't have to confront him. Just tell yourself 'no more'. Get your locks changed, pack up the rest of his shit and have it sent to his mother's house with a note that if he shows up at your home you will call the police, and then block the little bastard. Don't wait for the landlord to do change the locks, do it yourself and have extra keys made for the landlord. As someone above said, tell him it was for your personal safety and the safety of HIS property.

I’ve got so much to give. I am so honest, open and faithful.
Given these very wonderful qualities you have, you deserve someone who has those qualities, too. This waste of oxygen doesn't and never will.

The only thing I’m guilty of is getting upset when I don’t get time
Wanting to be treated with consideration and a bit of devotion is normal. It's the way a good relationship is. You aren't guilty of anything, anyone would be upset at being treated the way he has treated you.

Consider getting into counseling to help you build your self esteem and discover why you were so vulnerable to a man like that and how not to let it happen again. You'll be glad you did.

Keep typing and deleting as not sure what to say.

Awful situation and you don't deserve to live like this.

Google making friends in your area, I'm sure there is an app that helps adults make friends within your area.

Someone suggested take yoga up or go the gym classes. Brilliant idea. When you exercise it calms you down and makes you feel good.

Live is for living and not being spat on. Hope you're OK.

You sound like me OP. I'm quiet and shy and hate confrontation. I just stick it out and make myself unhappy trying to please other people but still blame myself for everything. I scare easily and my default is to cry, I can't help it. I'm a vulnerable person and it just happens.
I've been in a relationship not too dissimilar to how this is sounding. You've got to ask yourself ... why are you with him? Do you love him? Do you see a future with this man?

If he's genuinely having a blip and this is really unlike him and you feel like this is his way of reaching out for help, maybe you feel this relationship is redeemable and you can have a serious chat and help him work through his problems. If you don't see a way back, then the best thing to do is just to bite the bullet and end the relationship. You're in your 30s! Its either going to happen eventually anyway or you'll end up wasting the next 40 years in this unhappy relationship. Its better to be single than live like this! You don't deserve to ignored, disrespected, insulted and spat at.

@StuckHurtDone I stopped reading at the point where I read he spat at you. Please get rid, your life will significantly improve.

LTB

Seriously OP you cannot be with a man who spits at you - it is time to put yourself first.

Bless you man. You're looking at this the wrong way. Read your first post again, where in that does it indicate that this relationship is a success?

The more you keep the sponging pisshead cocklodger around the less likely you'll meet someone who will treat you better.

Cut off the Deadwood, kick him out, decompress from it all and get active in your life. There is one out there for you.

It sounds so awful for you. The lack of support in your life reminds me of my life too (hard to admit this to myself). This is why MN is a great thing for people like us. Take heart that you've been heard here and lots on this thread want you to be happy. I hope you get some sleep tonight and manage a nice bath or listen to some music you like. You are important.

OP my mum has been very very ill, is still very ill and I have been juggling looking after her while she’s in hospital, looking after her house and looking after my own family. My mum is a 3 hour drive away.

None of this is an excuse to be such a Twunt to my partner as yours is to you.

I would really like to kick this thing (it certainly isn't a man...) in the bollocks. I feel quite angry on your behalf OP and I wonder if you should try and find your own anger towards this shit stain on the underpants of humanity.

My advice would be to work on your own self worth. It must have taken an absolute battering and you need to bolster it back up to make sure you don't end up back with this ratbag or with a similar bloke. I wish you all the best.

At my age I should have my together. I don’t want another failed relationship

Sorry mate, it's already failed. It's now just a question of when you're going to kick him out.

He's never been a good man. He's been on good behaviour until he's got his feet under the table with you paying for him and him keeping all his money to drink down the pub.

You are far too young to be putting up with this shit...your whole life is ahead of you! And you're amazing, got your shit together, solvent, roof over your head. You deserve so much better. Set yourself the job of improving YOUR life. All that energy you are putting into him...sod it, find a night class or some activities with colleagues, do a bit of online dating or meeting up, book a yoga retreat....whatever floats your boat - and one day it will all come together and you will look back on this and laugh.

This .

You need to focus on yourself and new hobbies, having fun and enjoying life as a single woman.

He's a fucking arsehole. You can survive without him. You can live without him. You can enjoy life without him

Think back to when you were happy. Or visualise a life when you are happy. Describe it. Write it down. What does it look like.

Go out and make it happen.

And if you struggle day to day find someone to check in with every evening. Ring them and commit to another 24 hours without this dick bringing you down.

Give it a week, and you'll start to feel better. Give it a month, and you'll realise life is actually good and there are opportunities out there for you. Give it a year, and you'll be rocking. Life will be different.

Honest. I've been there.