Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

In the gentlest way, please do report him for this. I imagine it is a breach of his bail conditions following the angle grinder incident.

You also mentioned that you discovered a DV background through Clare's Law so he does have form, and it is highly possible that things might escalate.

Although it might feel like added drama at the moment for you to report, it will be so much more drama if you wait for something "bad" to happen before reporting.

I truly hope that things do not escalate, but please do protect yourself as best as you can by reporting. Wishing you all the best, and all the strength. You've been so strong so far, even in the times when it might not have felt like it!

Hi all.
You’ll be pleased to know he has stopped watching the house and hasn’t since I last posted. However, I come with another dilemma now.

his mum has sadly passed away today. His brother made a courtesy call to let me know this afternoon. How am I supposed to feel about it? I have no intention of contacting him as don’t want to open those lines of communication.

I’m just unsure how to handle this information. Of course I’m sad about it, but am I allowed to be?

Hi there.

I would do nothing, say nothing, and not react in the least.

My sister's husband died, after I'd gone NC with her, and I didn't get in touch at all.

You feel about her death the way you feel - whatever these feelings may be. They are your feelings and no one else - except your therapist, if you have one - need to know about them.

And do not contact him. Condolences that would be called for with others would not be appropriate in these circumstances.

Of course you're allowed to be sad. This woman was part of your life at one time and was kind to you. Naturally you're sad.

Obviously, don't contact ex. And TBH I wouldn't send anyone a condolence card or flowers for the funeral, either. I'm sure you said "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that" to the brother and let that suffice. Given the circumstances you don't want to create even the tiniest sliver of a crack in your 'no contact' with him and he might use either a card or flowers as an excuse to contact you to say thanks.

Ex's family is now part of your past and need to be allowed to 'fade away quietly' as time passes.

Thas so sad, was it expected at all?

Kind of, she was poorly a few months ago, and had a 2 month stay in hospital. But turned it around and was seemingly doing ok. I think she had just given up, and wasn’t helping herself at home, refusing to eat etc. she had sepsis, and after hospital admission yesterday died a few hours later.

What a shame there was no care put in place. A person shouldn't have to help themselves. There should be proper after care. dreadful state of affairs.

By all accounts her children were caring for her, but she’s very stubborn, and I can only imagine she was adamant she wasn’t hungry etc. there’s only so much people can do to help if they don’t accept the help. It’s very sad, I still feel a bit odd about it. But onwards and upwards I suppose

OMG, change the locks, put his stuff in a pile and say he can collect it on x date and speak to women's aid or the police about having someone there while he does so.

He does not get to treat you like that and then dictate what you can and can't do.

My Mum eventually left my Dad many years ago and the only way she could get our stuff out the house was if she signed it all over to him. Which she did. Still irritates me to this day that she was left unable to feed us and he used that money to get better houses and is still a mean drunk.

Just read his mother died. I'm so sorry for your loss, regardless of the situation she was a part of your life and you will grieve.

Have you RTFT?

@StuckHurtDone you’ve done so well to this point, absolutely amazing.

Im sorry to hear the news about his Mum, you can absolutely feel how you want, you can hurt as much as you want. Please don’t feel you can’t because of who her son is.

you do not have to contact him, you do not need to have to do anything for him, you do not want him to re-enter your life. If you want to say your goodbyes to his mum, then perhaps a quiet peaceful place you could go/sit and just write some thoughts or speak to her and say your goodbyes. That’s it. Well done for getting this far,

I read the first couple of pages then posted, then saw the end of the thread... and posted again.

DOH, always read the end first!

Do nothing about his mum op. You’ve expressed your condolences to his brother and that’s enough. If you were fond of her you’ll remember her in your own way. Be prepared to possibly receive some sort of “she’s a bitch, didn’t even contact me when me mum died” rhetoric through one of his flying monkeys (maybe the mutual friend neighbour). You know the truth of the matter and don’t owe anyone an explanation.

So glad to read your updates - you are sounding so much better. I wanted to physically shake you at times reading your posts (meant kindly!) as you couldn’t seem to see how you were wasting your life on that arsehole. Do you read back through your posts and see how far you’ve come?

And the polo party sounds v v posh - hope you have a wonderful time letting your (new!) hair down 💐

@StuckHurtDone How you getting on, OP? Hope the better weather helping you feel more like your old self.

Thank you for checking! I’m doing ok, feeling a little bit like myself now, it’s a slow process but small steps are good! Have started my CBT, which is good.
took myself off to the pub at the weekend, and had a lovely chat with a certain farmer from a famous Amazon farming programme haha

That's a very impressive name drop. Farming royalty no less! Haha.
Sounds like you are really digging deep and trying hard to get yourself healed inside and out. Baby steps obviously, but you've really cheered me with your update.
(I got brutally computer hacked yesterday and am slowly changing 86 passwords which shared the same one. 11 done. 75 to go.)

You sound so much more yourself, @StuckHurtDone and so much more positive.

Did you get your hair done yet?

It’s not as impressive as it seems- as he literally lives down the road and is always out and about! But nice nonetheless!
that’s annoying about being hacked!!! Some people just don’t care! You’ve made progress though, so keep going, make sure you’re I stealth mode so that you make a really clever password (not too clever that you forget it though!

yes I am feeling more myself, hair still hasn’t been done (currently pulling my split ends!) but it’s on the agenda

Hi @StuckHurtDone hope the sunshine is helping and you’ve managed to get a hair appointment. Sending good wishes your way.

He's an abusive twat who will never change. Get rid of him for your own sake please.

How about you RTFT.

What

She got rid of him several pages ago.