Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

Thank you.
I can just picture the scene now- he’s gone round everyone telling them I’m a c**t and all that jazz. As a people pleaser I find this really hard to accept/understand because I don’t want to be known for something I’m not.
Feel like I can’t show my face anywhere for shame of people knowing what I’ve ‘done’.

whereas he’s out enjoying himself, not a care in the world.

Try to get this nonsense out of your head ( I mean this kindly)

Feel like I can’t show my face anywhere for shame of people knowing what I’ve ‘done’

Surely people will applaud you for getting rid of this violent wastrel?

He is an arsehole... don't waste any more time on him. He cares about his needs and his needs only. You are worth more and do not deserve any of this behaviour... if you can get out asap or make plans to, he will not change. Don't let him get an inkling that you've seen through it all... wishing you all the best xx

Decent people remove themselves from his sort of bullshit nonsense and will see through his lies to the idiot underneath. The only people who believe him are losers themselves so it shouldn’t really matter to you what they believe or think.

One day in the not too distant future, you won’t care what he thinks or says…hard as that is to believe right now. You will wonder what you ever saw in him.

So hang on in there OP. Hang on to your digmity.

You are doing well to get help so far.
Eat a bit, stay hydrated, get some fresh air and organise your new life, a little bit at a time, each new day.

Exactly. My ex told everyone I stopped him seeing the kids and had made up stories. You neighbour and others know him they know he is drunk, abusive, idiot.

Now is the time to heal. Go out for a walk, shower, get dressed put your hair up and go for a walk. Take your phone and take 5 beautiful photos. Get some counselling. He will need to pay for the damage done but for now you have had a massive huge leech sucking the blood out of you and you’ve ripped it off. It’s going to hurt, you will bleed and then the scab forms and you will heal. It will be weird you are trauma bonded.

Who would he tell and why would anyone believe him? The people that know him best know what he is like: his mum, for example, will be quietly wishing she had your determination.

Also, he DOES "have a care in the world". His meal ticket has thrown him out and he is back living with mummy - it's a disaster for him, utterly catastrophic.

You, my dear, are important. You are kind. You are likeable. You have your own home and a good job - all things you have provided for yourself (and well done!)

Life is going to improve for you now, you'll see xx

@StuckHurtDone

Feel like I can’t show my face anywhere for shame of people knowing what I’ve ‘done’

And you have a police report and pictures of your shed to prove he's a nasty liar and your own words to describe what your life with him has been like.

I understand 'people pleaser'. I understand 'what will the neighbours think". Because I was raised with 'Be nice' and the idea that what others think of us is important, no matter who they are. But listen...the most important is that we please ourselves and that we act in our own best interests.

I second this: "Go out for a walk, shower, get dressed put your hair up and go for a walk. Take your phone and take 5 beautiful photos". You hold your head up and walk tall. The people who know you won't believe his lies. As for the rest, I've said it before but it bears repeating; 'them that mind don't matter and them that matter don't mind'. Yes, you may learn who your true friends are coming out of this, but that is knowledge worth having.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned this before, but do you have friends/relatives that you've lost touch with since you've been with him? You need to consider that he's alienated you from them or alienated them from you. This can take the form of nasty whispers in your ear that they talk about you behind your back and that they don't like or love you. It can also take the form of picking fights with your loved ones or making them so uncomfortable that they stop coming round or he can point at issues (that he actually has caused) and demand that you cut them out because they've disrespected him (ie 'it's them or me, choose!'). If that has happened, reach out to them. I guarantee that they've been wondering about you and praying that you'll call. Yes, you'll need to explain and they'll say "I told you so" (probably more than once) but it will be worth it to have them back in your life.

He can’t go around much telling people this and that, because he’s a jobless nobody who can’t afford his car or phone payments

@StuckHurtDone How are you feeling today? A little better I hope. x

Worse 😢 these tablets make me feel horrendous. I’m hardly sleeping.
I’ve treated myself to a long bath and a face mask. And will go for a walk later to get some food in for the weekend. I’m just tired. Tired of it all.

Hey, that's only to be expected; you've experienced a massive upheaval. It isn't that you've lost something good, but you lost something that you wished would be good. It hurts just the same though. Giving you a huge virtual hug (HUG)

I love him so much. I’m so heartbroken it’s ended like this

Just concentrate on reminding yourself about all the horrible, aggressive, violent, unforgiveable things he did to you.

You cannot love a man who spits at you.

Sweetheart, are you trying to access counseling? I really think it would be a good idea.

I have some CBT booked but 4-5 week wait so have to sit here. I’m broken. I wish it turned out how it was meant to

But it was never "meant to" be anything other than him being abusive towards you. He was not a man you could have relied on, or admired, was he.

I think you're regretting that he wasn't a kind, generous man who was good to you. Not that this particular man is no longer in your life, because surely you're feeling relief about that?

OP, take a minute to remind yourself that someone who loves you doesn't treat you like this. Then remind yourself that you deserve so, so much better from life. He's not a nice person and even if you took him back tomorrow, what's going to change? Nothing. He is what he is and doesn't deserve you.

Please talk to someone in real life if you have a close friend or family member you trust. Go and see your GP, ask about counselling, make sure you eat something every day and drink plenty of liquids, get some fresh air if you can, even just a walk round the garden if you have one, or the local park. Look after your own health, you deserve it and here's wishing you much happier times in the future.🌻🌺🌻

Let me rephrase this for you.

"I wish it turned out how I wanted it to"

Things always turn out the way they're 'meant to' because the way they turn out is wholly determined by the things that have happened and the people involved. It was always going to end the way it did because of who and what he is. Nothing you could do an no amount of wishing could have made it otherwise.

You need to accept that it was never going to be what you wanted it to be. He simply was not capable of it.

I wish you didn't have to wait so long for CBT. But in the meantime you can read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and seeing if you can access the Freedom Programme online or in person.

There is also a book called 'Women Who Love Too Much' by Robin Norwood. It was published in 1985 but I think it's still relevant today.

I kind of have some relief, of course I do, but now reality has sunk in. To know I’ll never speak to hi again, to know I can never help him.
i know he loved me, he just loved the drink more. I’m sad. It could of, should of been so different

never mind waiting, Get on the phone to the Crisis team.

Just read what you have written. What would you say if your best friend told you this?

I know what I’d say if it was someone else. But when you’re in the thick of it, it’s so much different. I have had no contact with him, and I know I won’t. I guess I’m just reminiscing. Things were good at one point.
with my sensible head on it says keep going you’ve got this. But with the heart head on, fuck me it’s hard. To not know he’s ok.

No, love, it couldn't have and never would have. 'Should have' belongs with 'if wishes were horses'. And because he is who and what he is, it never would have. And no, you couldn't ever 'help' him. Addicts must help themselves by themselves. Remember these wise words "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it". Because you didn't, and you can't.

Yes, he loved the drink more. Did he love you? Maybe, in his alcoholic way. But it was never a healthy, honest love. And unhealthy, dishonest love is something you can do without.

Please stop thinking like this, if you can. I was with a guy for four years back in the 90s, and honestly thought I'd met my perfect bloke. But he gradually revealed himself to be a violent coercive control freak. He also spat at me once.....

It took a long time to get rid as I was like you - kept thinking it would get better as he really did love me and was my perfect man. Just needed some anger management or whatever. Also he moved into my house - so there were times when I let him back just because I was too scared of him stalking etc and I was a bundle of nerves. Luckily no kids......

But it's not love. I was hankering after what might have been if he hadn't turned out to be a control freak weirdo - and he would probably say he loved me but nobody needs 'love' like that. You're in the same place - you remember the best times and your hopes and plans, and can't help thinking 'if only'......

But it's not realistic. You have to pull on your big girl pants and be strong now, and move forward. Remind yourself what a shit he is, not how lovely he once was. Wishing you all strength....