Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

Well done OP. That must have been so horribly intimidating and awful. And you totally dealt with it and did the right thing.

Deep breath. Treat yourself to something delightful for being a total hero. ✨️ Bubble bath, 🫧 buy a nice plant, down the local cafe for a nice cake. Xx

Just a thought but I would also be honest about your situation with your manager, just incase he tries to reach you through work. I know you said you've taken a few days off but I would explain whats happened, especially with the violent threats.

@StuckHurtDone

You're doing all the right things. Cooperate with the police, make your statement, and ask about getting a non-mol order so he cannot approach you or your home.

And if possible, I agree with speaking with your manager. Some workplaces/managers are very understanding and cooperative. My former workplace (decades ago, US civil service) moved a coworker to a different office 30 miles away when an ex was harassing her. They even arranged it so our agency paid her moving costs. But some workplaces are not. I've also known situations (private companies) where staff were terminated because the brass didn't want to 'disrupt the office environment' or 'endanger other staff'. Now, all this was DECADES ago and in the US. Workplace laws and such may be different in the UK and an employer couldn't get away with that anymore. Just saying, evaluate things carefully and be judicious in what you say if need be.

thanks all.
i know he will not attempt to come back. He has been bailed and conditions are he can not contact me or come to my property. Not that he can contact anyone as I’ve cut the phone off.
he also won’t come to my work, im
not worried about it to be honest.

i just want this all to be over.

Well done OP. Things will get better now. It might be gradual but they will get better. You will in time look back and be grateful for your 'rock bottom moment'.

You will get your life back and not only thrive but survive. Bolt everything up and dial 999 if needed.

i just want this all to be over.

And it will be. You've taken all the right steps. Now it's just a matter of time to let the dust settle.

As far as a phone goes, I'm sure he'll bully his mum into getting him one. So just beware of calls from unknown numbers.

I thought this was meant to get easier???
im hurting even more today. I don’t want this.
ut didn’t have to be like this

Healing doesn't work in a straight line. There will be ups and downs and wobbles on the way, but eventually the ups and downs become less frequent. You are bound to have some days worse than others, it doesn't mean you aren't healing.

@StuckHurtDone

What @fridgegrazer said.

And remember that "It's always darkest just before the dawn". These are the days that you just grit your teeth and power through even though you don't think you can. Soon you'll be looking backwards from you new life and seeing that 'the dark days' were shorter than you think.

"It didn't have to be like this"

Unfortunately yes it does, but just for now. These are the times you need to re-read your OP and your posts about him since then to remind yourself exactly how bad it was. And it was bad. And it would have been this bad for the rest of your life. You don't want to live like that. Not when there is freedom and peace just around the corner.

Agree, it really did have to be like this. He was a horrible man who brought absolutely nothing to your life. He took. So now you can get your life back and start getting angry at how much and what he took from you.

OP, he does not love you. Let that sink in and then boot him out as fast as you can.

RTFT

Make yourself a list of things to do that will keep you very busy for the next six months. Going to the gym is great for keeping your mind off awful things. Ditto wandering about the countryside, especially if you get lost. Gratitude is great for refocusing your mind. Cleaning and decorating are great because you have a lovely living space. Amd they are all about you having priority in your own life, which is always an improvement.

I know you’re all right, but I’m just so tired and broken. Everyone hates me. My name is mud, and I’m the bad one.

Well there are more than 600 posts on this thread by dozens and dozens (maybe hundreds) of posters and we all think he's a dick and you've made the best decision of your life getting him out of it!

You are NOT the bad one! He is a dangerous, self-entitled, manipulative creature who'll push and lie and threaten to get what he wants, irrespective of what is right and true.

Thank goodness the police are involved and being helpful. Make your statement clearly and in full, and enquire about measures (eg non molestation order, etc. take their advice) and keep yourself safe.

You will not always hurt this bad - it's early days.

I can't remember if you are having any therapy. If you can access it through work (Employee Assistance Programme (EAP) do take it up. One of my employers in the past paid for six sessions and it was totally confidential. You can use that as a springboard for further therapy once those run out. Take a look at BACP (British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) to choose someone for you.

Sending you a hug and a handhold. 🌹

Cut yourself some slack, OP.
You've been dealing with one of the toughest things you probably will ever have to do in your lifetime. You are also doing it on very little sleep and constant headaches.

Despite all this, you have found strength from somewhere to kick him out. You have have made some extraordinary progress since the start of your thread. Tiny steps every day all add up. Drink lots of water and try to get some sunshine on your face. These are little wins that will make you feel stronger and more in control.

Darling, none of us on here hates you!

Anyone who hates you for ending things with an abusive man is not a good person to have in your life.

I bet your friends in real life do not hate you.

You're worried because your ex's mum is upset - well, that really isn't your problem. She will have to try to persuade her son to get help, if she can. He is a violent alcoholic, and that is very, very hard to deal with.

It doesn't mean you should take the man back, though. You've done the right thing, getting him out of your life.

Stay strong. Your life can only improve now.

What makes you think that?

Of course they don’t - people who know him will have the sum of him, even if they make supportive noises to him when he’s moaning about how “awful” you are.

Anyone who matters will hear how he’s been taken away in a police car after becoming violent and have nothing but sympathy for you - those who aren’t supportive don’t matter anyway. Your neighbour who’s known him for years and his mum may feel a sense of loyalty to him but they’re not daft - they know he’s a dick.

Just be honest about how he’s treated you to those who’s opinions you care about - anyone else can fuck off.

And as for “it didn’t need to be like this”. Yes it did. People like your ex always turn violent when they don’t get their own way. I’m sure he was nice in the beginning but that’s not who he really is - that’s the mask he put on to get you to fall in love with him/let him move in. I’m glad he kicked off and smashed your shed in a way because it’s meant the police are involved. The spitting would’ve become hitting/punching and I’d much rather a shed get damaged rather than you.

You are going to have wobbles because you’ll be remembering the good times - but when your mind starts wandering to those think about how badly he’s treated you. You know you can’t go back to that.

I think when you return to work it’ll be a distraction and you’ll start to feel better. One day at a time but you’re doing this OP - you’re going to be ok, but it’s going to take time.

The sun is out where I am - can you get out for a walk and get some vitamin D? And maybe a nice coffee.

Where are you up to with support?

Hi OP,
Another one who wants to say, this is 100% not your fault and you are not a bad person. He is abusive and manipulative. The people who think you are the problem are being abused/lied to by him or simply haven’t seen his true colours yet.

This is all part of his awful behaviour, to paint you as the bad person in the relationship and play the victim. He wants to make you doubt yourself.

I also think that counselling would help a lot with getting you through this moment and maybe dealing with the past. When you’re ready, finding some ways to making real friends will be possible - there are kind, non-alcoholic, non-abusive people who will appreciate you, out there.
Stay strong, you have come far already x

I’m just so meh. The GP has started me on some meds (just need to get to pharmacy to pick up- but no car!!). She has also signed me off for 3 weeks- partly to let tablets work but also I can’t get to work- no car! He kindly took my car keys the other day!!! Luckily I have a spare- so managed to get it to garage for appt tomorrow but no money to get it fixed!!!
talking therapy have put me forward for online CBT so we shall see what happens although 3-4 week wait.

i hope I stop crying soon. I have eaten one meal in 4 days. And slept about 2 hours a night.
it’s exhausting I just want to be ok

The medication will help enormously with that, OP.

Your GP has been very helpful. I hope you'll start to feel better soon.

Don't ever think that you made the wrong decision in kicking this man out.

And OP - when you start to sleep better, and eat better, you'll naturally feel better anyway.