Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

Is it in his name? If so, just stop paying, the cancellation fee is his problem.

You're not wasting anyone's time and you are EXACTLY the sort of person the Samaritans will help.

Please ring them

With regard to the phone ring your provider, explain the situation and ask them to cap it to just the bill amount so he can't run up a huge bill for you.

I think you should cancel it and pay the cancellation fee but also understand that's a large amount to find in one go.
The other alternative would be to reduce it to the lowest package (and cap it) and let it runs it course although you are then still stuck with him in your life over a phone bill.

Hi OP,
Whatever your ex does now remember his choices are not your fault. You have given him chance after chance and his actions have shown that he is a non-functioning alcoholic.

He would have somewhere to stay if he hadn't been so hateful to his mum after she took him in. It must have been so hard as a mum to turn him away but that just shows how impossible he is.

Perhaps he will hit rock bottom and decide to change once he has no-one to keep a home beneath him no matter how badly he behaves. Whatever his choices now it is not your fault.

Remember the Alcoholics Anonymous mantra for friends and family - you didn't cause the problem, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

What happens to your ex now is up to him alone.

If you and his Mum both stand firm he could finally hit rock bottom. I doubt it though, my bet is he would still play the victim and go on quick search for the next kind people pleasing woman (with her own home) that he can manipulate, love bomb and move in with asap. And he will tell her all about how badly his family and his ex have treated him.

Please for the love of God don’t let him back in. If his mum has the backbone to not let him back in today, then he is likely to turn up at your house telling you how changed he is. He isn’t, he just doesn’t have anywhere to sleep.

Any time you wonder if you are the problem - remind yourself that even his own mother wants to wash her hands of him! And his own siblings don’t want anything to do with him. He is the problem.

Good luck with the police today. I pray that whatever they tell you gives you the strength and resolve to say enough is enough. Never take him back.

Good Luck today. Try to keep calm,take a drink, make notes.

Been thinking about you, OP. Hope it's not been too difficult an experience. You are doing the right thing for others further down the light. Be proud of yourself for attending.

Hope you're okay, OP and that you weren't too shocked by what the police told you.

They didn’t tell me anything. It was just fact finding to put the Clare’s law request in. So it’s all gone in and now we just wait.

NC from him again today

Good, I'm glad he hasn't contacted you.

That must have been frustrating for you. Hope they get back to you asap with an answer. X

I knew that was going to be the case, they need to see how much danger I’m in, and if I wanted to proceed with formal complaint. They then put it forward to the domestic violence team to get the report together and go through it with me

@StuckHurtDone

I think you're doing damned well! You just keep on track and you'll be great in no time.

As far as the phone goes, keep in mind I'm in the US. Here, if you're on a family plan (where his phone is tied to your contract) instead of paying a huge cancellation fee you can call and have service suspended. Here it costs about $10/month (about £8) which may be cheaper or easier to afford than paying the cancellation fee. Hopefully, phone providers in the UK have something similar. I know it'd grind my gears to pay until the contract period is up, but it'd grind them less than knowing I was facilitating his phone use OR forking out a huge amount to cancel.

Also whilst I have sympathy for his mum, I'd still bag his shit up and drop it off to her. She's in touch with the rest of his family, let them decide what to do, let them deal with it and with him. Don't let a misplaced sense of responsibility for his mum make you act in ways that are not in your own best interests. He's their 'family', not yours. You have no legal responsibility to him OR to them! You are done with him and have the right to cut ALL ties with him and anyone connected to him. Sometimes we have to be 'cruel' to others in order to be 'kind' to ourselves.

Put yourself first.

Fortunately(??) the phone contact is sim only and the lowest price there is £10 per month, so I could afford to pay it but it’s principle. I suppose I could say it’s ‘lost’ to the company so they send me a new one so that he can not use it? I’m no worse off financially then and not facilitating his phone use?

i need to get in contact with the car garage and see if they have a courtesy car I could use, as my car is due I. Garage Tuesday (expected to be in for 2 days). I was meant to either be using his car or borrowing his mums. That’s not happening now is it?
due to my location there is no way of getting to work without a car.

he sent me a message yesterday evening saying he doesn’t need any shit off me as he’s just been signing his mums will (this was pre planned so I knew it was happening). I didn’t reply and turned my phone off. Went to bed at 7.30 and slept for 12 hours.

i have woken up to a picture message of his mum asleep in the chair at 12.30 assuming to prove a point that he’s worked his way back into the house!

Christ alive, he's a peach. 'Guess what Stuck, I don't need you because mum will be dead soon and that means money for me - hooray'.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to taxi all his stuff to his mum's, stop paying for his phone and block him on everything. He is nothing but a drain on your already depleted resources. Don't give him any more of your time, energy or headspace. He can piss his life away if he wants, you can't stop him. But don't let him do the same to yours.

If his phone is SIM only then surely it's just a monthly rolling fee, rather than when you're buying the actual phone and you pay the cost of the handset in the monthly amount?

We have sim only deals because we bought handsets without sims. There's never been more than a 30 day cancellation on them because we aren't tied in for a minimum term.

I have checked and it’s in contract til February 2025. Clearly didn’t anticipate this happening. Added it onto my contract last February x

This is your window to get rid of this troubled man once and for all, he is not homeless for now. Send his stuff to his mom befor she will kick him out again, then detach detach detach.
Otherwise he will guilt trip you and crawl back again before you know it.

It’s your SIm get them to cancel it and send it to you and tell them it’s been stolen - end of.

Agree - report the sim card stolen to the provider (not a lie - you are paying for it and your ex has it) and ask them to block it. Then have them send a replacement to your house. Then just continue paying the £10 a month until it runs out, but don’t use it. See the £10 a month as a great price for getting the scumbag out of your life. The bonus is that you will also have no knowledge of his new number when he gets one. He’s told you in writing that he doesn’t want his things back, so keep a record of that, then put all his stuff in black bin bags and throw them in the bin. Unless anything is valuable and you can sell it on Vinted! X

So he's not " done anything to himself". I wouldn't wish harm on another human being but enough is enough now.

Agree, here is your window. Please there must be somebody who would lend a hand here locally?

And I hope his mum sees sense and cuts him out the will. He’ll just blow it on booze and weed. His poor mum being treated like this in the end of her life 😭

Maybe send him one last message
”Ok thanks for letting me know you don’t want your things back. I’m bagging it all up today. I’ll leave it on the front porch tomorrow morning between 10-12 if you change your mind and do want to collect it. Otherwise I’ll drop it all at a local charity shop after 12pm.”

And then you have covered yourself legally. You gave him an option to collect it and up to him if he does if not.

Then you can block him, and never see or hear from him ever again! It’s over.

Anybody can sign a will. My neighbour asked me to do theirs. It sounds a very damaged relationship.

he sent me a message yesterday evening saying he doesn’t need any shit off me as he’s just been signing his mums will

i have woken up to a picture message of his mum asleep in the chair

He’s a manipulative piece of shit isn’t he?

These messages are clearly designed to garner sympathy from you IMO - ie “my poor old ma is going to die soon and you’re being mean”!

Put his stuff outside and block him OP - seriously - enough now - be done once and for all and get this toxic degenerate out of your life, you don’t need to drag it out.