Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Broken beyond belief

816 replies

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 17:52

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Gymnopedie · 09/04/2024 13:48

but I’m not doing it. I’ve done it before, and quite frankly it’s not my job. It’s his shit. But equally I want it out. I am not involving anyone else to pick up his pieces-

Right, you've done brilliantly so far, he's repeatedly showing you that he has no intention of changing and will always treat you like shit.

So now is the time not to be pig headed. Forget your principles that it's his shit and his problem. Just do it. You don't have to pack it all up carefully. Shoving it all in bin bags isn't a long job and it gets him out of your house and your hair.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 13:56

I know I’m cutting my nose to spite my face- it’s just too painful. I shouldn’t have even allowed it to be unpacked but nothing can be changed.

my brain just can’t settle, it’s doing a million miles in circles. I feel like if he does just turn up , or even contact me to say he’s coming, I’ll be angry and/or cry. But equally if he doesn’t turn up I’ll also be angry and/or upset.

the usual protocol is it’s me that contacts first. I haven’t made any contact and I don’t intend to.

he has more than likely missed another day of work due to being on the lash last night which will of course be my fault as it usually is. My name will be mud everywhere

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 09/04/2024 13:58

My name will be mud everywhere

Who cares? It doesn't matter.
You've got rid of him, hopefully for good this time.

eggplant16 · 09/04/2024 14:35

Just get through the day. Can you go out a bit? Go and look round some shops....anything?

LipstickLil · 09/04/2024 14:38

he has more than likely missed another day of work due to being on the lash last night which will of course be my fault as it usually is. My name will be mud everywhere

Who cares? He's not your problem any more and whether he misses work or not is nothing to do with you, particularly if it's as a result of his drinking. He sounds like an alcoholic from what you've said, which again ISN'T YOUR FAULT!

apostrophewoman · 09/04/2024 14:43

OP, I've been watching your thread from the start and not posted, but the change in your messages has been amazing. I know you don't feel it, but you are strong, and that's coming through loud and clear, you just have to keep going and know that things ALWAYS get better. They do, you just have to get through this.

Can you say whereabouts you are, to see if some of us could help you? I'm in Shropshire and happy to help if you're in this area?

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 14:51

I’m in the Cotswolds

OP posts:
NeedAnUpgrade · 09/04/2024 16:51

StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 13:56

I know I’m cutting my nose to spite my face- it’s just too painful. I shouldn’t have even allowed it to be unpacked but nothing can be changed.

my brain just can’t settle, it’s doing a million miles in circles. I feel like if he does just turn up , or even contact me to say he’s coming, I’ll be angry and/or cry. But equally if he doesn’t turn up I’ll also be angry and/or upset.

the usual protocol is it’s me that contacts first. I haven’t made any contact and I don’t intend to.

he has more than likely missed another day of work due to being on the lash last night which will of course be my fault as it usually is. My name will be mud everywhere

I might be wrong but is this the first time you’ve really done something that is in your own best interests? I grew up with the expectation that I would keep the peace, be quiet and make others lives easier, regardless of my own needs.

Standing up for yourself when you’ve never done it can be terrifying. If you were always told to put others first then your instincts will be screaming at you to keep doing what you’ve always done. It’s just conditioning and you can break it. You are absolutely doing the right thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Keep going OP, you do deserve better.

grapeomelette · 09/04/2024 17:29

You're doing so well OP! You're being very brave. I admire you. Your life is about to get immeasurably better.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 18:10

NeedAnUpgrade · 09/04/2024 16:51

I might be wrong but is this the first time you’ve really done something that is in your own best interests? I grew up with the expectation that I would keep the peace, be quiet and make others lives easier, regardless of my own needs.

Standing up for yourself when you’ve never done it can be terrifying. If you were always told to put others first then your instincts will be screaming at you to keep doing what you’ve always done. It’s just conditioning and you can break it. You are absolutely doing the right thing, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Keep going OP, you do deserve better.

Show quote history

I think you’re right, I’m a people pleaser, I do anything to keep the peace. I appease them. I want to do what is ‘expected’ of me.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 09/04/2024 18:19

I think you’re right, I’m a people pleaser, I do anything to keep the peace. I appease them. I want to do what is ‘expected’ of me.

And all of us on MN are giving you permission not to do that. But to do exactly what he doesn't expect - that this time you mean it and there will be no more chances. He's blown too many.

Putting his stuff outside will reinforce the message that you mean it. It will also show him (with the greatest respect to you OP and to worms) that the worm has turned. Has made up her mind that he isn't going to treat her like the shit on his shoe anymore.

🐛🐛 🐛 - Dammit there's no worm emoji. Can you be a caterpillar that's turned instead???

AnneKipankitoo · 09/04/2024 18:47

Well done @StuckHurtDone
If you need to vent …

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 18:54

You’re all too kind. I’m a mess. Still no tears so feeling a bit better than before but this still isn’t normal.
still no contact from him. So he’s either crashed his car over night or is on the piss

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 18:56

I know it’s irrational to keep thinking of him, but worry is setting in now. Has something happened? Would anyone let me know? Would anyone actually know? What if nobody knows? I know this is worst case scenario and I’m being a twat

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 09/04/2024 19:03

OP it doesn't matter if something has happened to him.
He's not your responsibility. He never was.

Gymnopedie · 09/04/2024 19:10

still no contact from him. So he’s either crashed his car over night or is on the piss

OR.... he's waiting for you to beg him to come back like you always do. Of the three options I'd go for a combination of piss and beg.

eggplant16 · 09/04/2024 19:35

I feel like " the stuff" is a bit of a distraction. Removing it is half a days work.

Try to keep OK for tomorrrow.

AnneKipankitoo · 09/04/2024 19:48

Yup. All part of his “game”. You worry because you are a nice , normal person , and er he is not worth it.
Imagine his face at the bottom of the toilet pan whenever you go. It might help.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 19:53

eggplant16 · 09/04/2024 19:35

I feel like " the stuff" is a bit of a distraction. Removing it is half a days work.

Try to keep OK for tomorrrow.

I agree. It’s the not knowing what his next move is. I know you’re all begging for me to just pack it up, I just don’t have it in me yet. I know it’ll come but that’s not right now. It’s almost a bit of a joke in my mind how long he can go without all his stuff…. Think tools for his job, think items for dental hygiene, clothes. (He also smokes weed occasionally and has it all here- he’s too tight to buy anymore!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 21:20

Update….
i have just had his mum on the phone. She chucked him out first thing this morning after he turned up hammered last night and told her he hates her etc etc
ive explained the situation to her, and whilst I sympathise with her I said I can’t do anymore. She’s worried he’s done something as his last words to her were ‘everyone has screwed me over, I’m done, I’m out’

hes fallen out with his brothers as well apparently

OP posts:
eggplant16 · 09/04/2024 21:22

Nothing to do with you. She shouldn't be ringing.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 21:30

I know she shouldn’t, but she’s as broken as I am, and she has finally gotten a back bone! She says she’s cut off the money he had access to, and taken away the key also, so he really has nowhere to go now. I have left it with ‘if I hear anything I will let you know’ but I’m certainly not chasing around after him. He’s playing the victim now.

OP posts:
TwigletsAndRadishes · 09/04/2024 21:50

She’s worried he’s done something as his last words to her were ‘everyone has screwed me over, I’m done, I’m out’

Aw, bless him. There's no-one quite as pathetic as the self-absorbed, raging alcoholic with a persecution complex who thinks all his problems are actually the fault of someone else.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 21:55

Absolutely. I’ve told her she needs to be cruel to be kind and stick to her words now. I was relatively blunt with her and just said I’ve done my bit, and you can see what he’s done to me. As his mum you’ve put up and shut up because‘he’s your son’ I hope she sticks to it.

OP posts:
WigglyVonWaggly · 09/04/2024 21:56

Playing the victim after he pay at you twice? He’s a contemptible piece of crap. Get rid of this man and don’t look back.