Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

Just to be clear and not to defend him he didn’t mean he doesn’t want his shit from my house, he meant he doesn’t want me to give him any shit that would wind him up if that makes sense

Im guessing the Mum must be mid 60's?

70 something - he is 3/4 boys (number 4 sadly died years ago so he’s the ‘youngest’)

Makes perfect sense. Naturally he doesn't want to hear any 'truth telling' from you (or anyone).

But as far as 'winding him up' who the fuck cares if he's wound up? He's gone and you never have to see him again. If he gets pissed off about you dumping his crap on his mum's doorstep or cutting off his phone, who really cares? I think you should think seriously about taking either of these as 'one step'. Because one step leads to another.

And what's this about signing his mum's will? Since when does anyone other than the person making the will and 2 witnesses have to sign a will. And if he's a beneficiary of her estate he can't sign as witness. And TBH, for those of us who've had parents/loved ones who have made wills and estate plans, even if it's because they are ill, it's actually a bit relief to know they're putting their wishes in writing for those of us who will be left behind. He's full of shit and bullshit on that. As if he has enough 'good' emotion to care about his mother's death anyway. And if he's wormed his way back into her good graces, that's really nothing to you. And it's even more of a reason to send his shit to her house. I really wish I was your IRL friend. I'd bag his shit up and drop it at his mum's so fast it'd make your head swim. Ms BossyPants, me.

So you can't have the service suspended on his phone? I don't know how UK contracts go. Is this a 'shared plan' (2 phones/1 contract under your name) or is his phone a stand alone contract that's in your name? I'm not sure what is meant by a 'sim only' contract. Does that mean the contract is only for a physical sim card and you buy the phone separately? Is this phone a smart phone? Do you have electronic access and could you shut down and wipe the phone from a laptop? I know I can do this for my iPhone if it gets stolen, it wipes all information, resets to factory, then locks it and shuts it down permanently. It becomes a useless brick.

But why haven't you blocked him? You know there is nothing good can come from actually talking to him.

BTW, have you changed your locks yet?

I’ve never had to sign any will or anything, I’m just going by what I’ve been told. Her original will, everything was left to her husband, since deceased, so she was updating it, by all accounts to be spread between the three boys, with eldest being power of attorney? I’m clueless, not my will, not my interest.

the sim only is a way of paying a small amount each month purely for the sim not an actual phone you ordinarily get with a mobile contract. It was taking as an ‘add on’ to my contract. He actually does have my old phone from when I upgraded (eye roll). Since he has now registered with Apple under his name etc I (don’t think) can’t simply wipe the phone. At best I can cut the SIM card off by saying it’s lost, and they send me a new one. Unless anyone can correct me if I’m wrong?

locks have not been changed- I can not afford it. But he has no access to the house.

Hi @StuckHurtDone, read your thread and just wanted to say that it is heartening that you have started to take charge of your life again and want to wish you the wonderful future that you deserve. What you have done takes courage, you will absolutely be happier, more positive and attract the person who is right for you. You are growing wings that will one day enable to fly!

As far as the phone goes, I was paying a long term contract for a long ago abusive ex. I was on the hook for many more months, so I called them, asked to speak to someone higher up and got off with paying only 3 further months of charges. They were very understanding, so please do try this approach. Oh, and crying and sniffling down the phone definitely helped xx

As a slight aside, I learned a very very hard lesson around money and families and wills.

It sounds like a load of nonsense. Any reputable person can sign eg. neighbour.

As you say, not your issue but it seems funny its crawled out of the woodwork now.

It was planned, to keep all the boys involved. Ao that they were all present etc.

again not really the point, but I knew this was happening as this is what his mum requested when she was changing the will.

I think your idea about the phone is perfect. Call it in as lost, get a new one and see if a new number could be assigned to it. Yes, it would cost a bit monthly, but he wouldn't have a phone paid by you.

HE SPAT AT YOU??!!

That would be enough for me to leave him, let alone all the other shit!

Kick him out- he's pointless, selfish, abusive - what do you need him for?

RTFT

I would definitely call your phone provider and ask if they’ll consider cancelling the contract for a fee or reissue a new sim. You’re doing so well.

I had a crappy night, I couldn’t sleep. I’m broken, numb and just damn tired of all this. I just feel so vulnerable and worthless. I have made contact with my employer (due back Monday after 2 weeks annual leave) and have told them I’m taking a few days. For an already vulnerable person, to work where I do could (given the situation) lead to a disaster. I hope I’m being sensible and have not made me lose my job which I love.

I think that having time off when you're feeling so awful is very sensible, OP.

I don’t want time off, I love my job, and I’m bloody good at it. But needs be must. If I lose my job then it’s just another casualty in this

You need the time off. Take the break now, avoid the breakdown later ❤️

Woudk it help to get seom clarity round your rights and so on? I would like to think a person can't lose a jon due to being unwell/ in a crisis?

Wise decision.

I don’t think I’ll be fired but can’t help but worry

@StuckHurtDone

The fact that you are taking time off because you know it's the wise thing to do shows that you do have your head on straight. Hopefully, your employers will realize this. I'm sure they will. Perhaps you can use these extra days to bag his stuff up. Even if you aren't ready to dump it on his mum's porch, it's still a gesture you can make towards cutting him out of your life. Bag it, throw it in the closet or the garage. At least you won't have to see it.

I think I've kind of figured out the sim contract thing lol. I think others are right, if there's no way to suspend service, you should report it as stolen. Have you by any chance looked at your online account? We used to be able to suspend/reinstate service online. We used it a few times when our sons were teens and weren't following the 'phone rules'. What's odd is that the sim is tied to your account, yet he can use it in a phone that's in a totally separate account.

I guess you could always send a text to the bastard saying "The sim in your phone belongs to me as it is on my contract. You must take it out of the phone and return it to me immediately". Then when he tells you to fuck off (which he will) you'll have proof that you asked for it back in case you're asked to prove you don't have it. If your old phone was wiped and then he set it up under his own Apple account, then no you can't wipe it. But I agree with a PP who said that you should call and explain the situation, stressing perhaps that he used coercive control to get you to add him on. Maybe you'll get someone sympathetic.

You're understandably in a right state ATM but if you can, take time for some deep breaths, a cup of tea and a chat with a friend. You certainly won't be fired. You're doing great. Self care all the way at the minute ❣️

To all of you who have stuck with me from the very beginning of this friend, I don’t know who you are, but I am so grateful for all of you. I thought at my age, I’d have a gaggle of friends, a wonderful love life, and loving life, and yet here we are, me begging for help. But you have not disappointed. You’ve been there every step of the way

Just keep this place in mind when you're struggling. It's invaluable that way.

And we'll stay here to keep you company for as long as you want.

I’ll be here responding to your threads and sending positive thoughts your way for as long as you’d like to keep posting here.

You perhaps don’t have a thriving support group of friends around you right now because all your energy and focus has been sapped by your awful ex. And potential friend may have been put off by his presence in your life. Once you get him out the picture you will have much more time to focus on yourself and widening your friendship circle and hobby time. Start small by making more effort to chat and be friendly to your colleagues, your neighbours. When you feel ready you can look into hobby groups, group exercise, local walking groups etc whatever floats your boat. If you let us know your hobbies and interests maybe we could all brainstorm some ideas for you? X