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Original poster

Broken beyond belief

816 replies

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 17:52

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

OP posts:
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Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 08/04/2024 22:14

I have also (probably too late) but applied to Clare’s law to see if there is something I should know?! Probably not relevant now but maybe a cementing factor? Who knows

OP posts:
ThreeLocusts · 08/04/2024 22:25

Warmest congratulations on showing him the door, well done! I'm so pleased to read this.

Of course it's hard. But you've done it. Be gentle with yourself, and give yourself a massive round of applause. 👏👏👏🎂☕

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 08/04/2024 22:28

Whilst I appreciate all of your congratulations, I don’t think it’s warranted until his stuff is actually out of that makes sense? He still has that hold over me until it’s all out.

OP posts:
DanielGault · 08/04/2024 23:03

StuckHurtDone · 08/04/2024 22:00

It’s hard to not look back when it was so full of promises. But the fact that I was strong this time I think says it all.
worried he will come back drunk and I’ll give in for fear of neighbours seeing etc

Love, please don't take his violence as any sort of a reflection on you. Neighbours can get to fck if they see it as such. Look after yourself now, forget him.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/04/2024 23:09

Throw him out and change the locks. Someone who spits in your face is scum and he is also a drunk and you pay for everything. What does he offer you at all, no love or respect. Join a gym and go there after work and take up a hobby where you will meet other people. Do not stay with this man as he is a waste of space. Have more respect for yourself as they only get worse especially if children are involved.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 08/04/2024 23:11

Just read update, stay strong, ring Women's Aid if need advice at all. Don't worry about him, neighbours, change the locks and move on in your life. Put his stuff outside or taxi it to his mum's. Even if he begs and pleads that he will change or uses his mum's illness as an excuse, he has shown you who he is and you deserve to love yourself more. Well done, stay strong.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 08/04/2024 23:41

Put all his stuff in rubbish bags and leave at the door/end of driveway for him to collect. No need for any drama on your part. But if he starts creating a drunken scene, call the police. That's on him, not you.

Start taking control of your life tonight and things will get better. Not immediately perhaps, but they will. Yes, it is hard when your self esteem is at rock bottom, but it's not impossible. You can do it.

eggplant16 · 09/04/2024 07:43

Well done. Give the therapy a go. Telling another person is a start.

The neighbours are strangers who probably don't give a damn sadly. Never mind about them.

FluffyCatsTail · 09/04/2024 07:50

You haven’t done anything.
You cannot fix him.
He has drinking problem and no proper stable job.
This is not working for you and is making you miserable, i can’t see any positives in this.
Tell him it’s over and get your peace and sleep back

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 08:21

StuckHurtDone · 08/04/2024 22:14

I have also (probably too late) but applied to Clare’s law to see if there is something I should know?! Probably not relevant now but maybe a cementing factor? Who knows

Is this relevant? Should I have done this? The police actually contacted me last night (phone call while k was asleep) asking if they could come and see me now I’m scared he’s got some deep dark past, and if he knows I’ve done this I’m done for

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 09/04/2024 09:34

They won't tell him that someone asked though.

FlakyPanda · 09/04/2024 10:20

Dear OP, I’m happy to read your update, more power and support to you, you are doing brilliant work for yourself. My experience of therapy was hugely positive and I hope yours will be too.
He sounds like an utter nightmare and the sooner he is out of your life the better. Re: phone can you speak to the phone company? Could they let you cancel and pay them in instalments?
Re: Clare’s law, I have no experience to offer. I hope he doesn’t find out but perhaps it is best to know what the police have to say. well done xx

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 11:30

The police have requested I meet them at a station tomorrow to go through Clare’s law. This will prevent him potentially turning up whilst they are at my property and him knowing I’m up to something.
I have still had no contact so expect that to continue until he needs some stuff.
I had an initial call with talking therapy today- and I am booked in with them again next week to discuss next steps and how they can help me.
very emotional again today. Feel like the walls are caving in

OP posts:
VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 09/04/2024 11:34

StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 11:30

The police have requested I meet them at a station tomorrow to go through Clare’s law. This will prevent him potentially turning up whilst they are at my property and him knowing I’m up to something.
I have still had no contact so expect that to continue until he needs some stuff.
I had an initial call with talking therapy today- and I am booked in with them again next week to discuss next steps and how they can help me.
very emotional again today. Feel like the walls are caving in

They aren’t caving in. They are falling down to freedom

redfacebigdisgrace · 09/04/2024 11:38

Keep going @StuckHurtDone this way to better things.

pavedwithgoodintentions · 09/04/2024 11:41

StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 11:30

The police have requested I meet them at a station tomorrow to go through Clare’s law. This will prevent him potentially turning up whilst they are at my property and him knowing I’m up to something.
I have still had no contact so expect that to continue until he needs some stuff.
I had an initial call with talking therapy today- and I am booked in with them again next week to discuss next steps and how they can help me.
very emotional again today. Feel like the walls are caving in

Hopefully, a meeting with the police will cement your very, very, very good decision to finally show him the door.

While you're there, let them know if he's been driving his car while drunk.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 11:45

pavedwithgoodintentions · 09/04/2024 11:41

Hopefully, a meeting with the police will cement your very, very, very good decision to finally show him the door.

While you're there, let them know if he's been driving his car while drunk.

Show quote history

I won’t be telling the police about what he’s up to. This is purely to gain some knowledge (if there is any) about his past. Like I said probably irrelevant now, and too late but at least I will know what he’s potentially capable of if anything.

his actions are exactly that, his. If he chooses to drink drive then nobody can stop him. The police might very well catch up with him at some point, and I just hope he doesn’t kill someone. I can’t change his actions

OP posts:
eggplant16 · 09/04/2024 12:08

You have done absolutely amazingly well. Fan bloody tastic.

Cann you take somebody with you tomorrow?

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 12:37

Not sure, I didn’t ask. Nobody to go with me anyway but I think?! I’m happy going alone

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 09/04/2024 12:51

Why am so much more broken today? This hurts hard.
plus the anxiety of him potentially turning up. I know it’s inevitable as he will need his stuff but it’s the fear. Will he contact me first? Or just rock up.
i know the tears will come, in full force

OP posts:
eggplant16 · 09/04/2024 12:55

I know you have spoken of your isolation but is there no body at all who could help out a little?

Nicole1111 · 09/04/2024 12:56

Abusers eradicate any self esteem you have, isolate you from support and create a dependency on them. All of this serves to make it extremely difficult and scary to leave them. This is why you’re struggling so much emotionally. With the right support though you can and will get through this, and one day you’ll look back and know you did the right thing and will reflect on how much your life got better once you ended it. For now though take each day as it comes, process your feelings and keep reaching out for support. Have you done the freedom programme? Or reached out for to a local domestic abuse charity for support.

Causewerethespecialtwo · 09/04/2024 13:07

Wow I’m so pleased to hear you did the Clare’s Law request. Honestly take a step back and look at how strong you are becoming 👏🏽 You might not feel it right now, but everything I read in your posts tells me that you are taking affirmative action, not standing for him treating you terribly anymore and making plans to cut him from your life forever. You are a Queen!

Is it bad that I’m almost hoping the police tell you that he has a terrible arrest history and recommend that you stay away from him. That could be the final puzzle piece that makes you put your foot down and vow to never take him back again.

Do you have the strength today to pack up all his stuff into bin bags again? Pile them all up in one room out of sight. Then when you come back from seeing the police tomorrow you can find the strength to arrange for them to be sent to his Mums. It could all be done and dusted by the weekend, blocked from your life and never looking back.

I wish I knew you in real life. I would come over today, help you pack it all up and personally go dump it on his Mum’s doorstep. Do you know anyone locally with a car who could help? Even if they are just a friendly neighbour or an aqaintance? I would honestly drop everything and go to help any friend, acquaintance, distant relative, neighbour, colleague……….. if they told me they were in the same situation as you. I know you say you don’t have close family/friends nearby but is there anyone you can think if that might help?

Ohffsbarbara · 09/04/2024 13:29

plus the anxiety of him potentially turning up. I know it’s inevitable as he will need his stuff but it’s the fear. Will he contact me first? Or just rock up.

Right, enough of this op. You have done great so far.

Why are you letting the issue of his stuff hang over you? You’re like a sitting duck waiting (and maybe hoping?) he’ll come back for it and there is sure to be another drama.

Take control now - what is stopping you?

Put it all in binbags, put it outside and send him a text telling him it’s waiting for him then DO NOT answer the door - either that or send it to his mums or a friend of his in a taxi.

Stop letting him control the situation. You never have to see this pos again if you don’t want to.

LipstickLil · 09/04/2024 13:38

Put it all in bin bags, put it outside and send him a text telling him it’s waiting for him then DO NOT answer the door

Exactly this. While it's not your job to bag up his stuff, you don't want him in your home again and he don't want him taking anything that's not his, so put it all in bin bags - that way it's easy for you to just chuck the stuff in and it won't get damaged by the rain. I'd do this ASAP so you can be rid of not just him, but all his crap. And well done OP! Bloody hell - what a turnaround!