Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

@StuckHurtDone

OK love, you're experiencing a crisis. I think it's time to go to an A&E and tell them how you're feeling.

I get about doing the speed course, but you are much more important than a speed course. I'd think that could be straightened out later, right now you need to get the help you need and deserve.

Dump him. He will never change and doesn't really want the responsibility of any relationship by the sounds of it. Also, he's abusive. Get out of there.

1. Phone the GP and ask to speak to the practice manager immediately ask for an immediate appointment today refer them to this post if needed.
2. womens aid immediately as well and your local police to rid of him immediately.
3. Change the locks
4. you are loved and wanted by planet earth - don’t let some shit bag treat you like this ❤️

How did the course go?

@StuckHurtDone please please call the Samaritans as well as getting urgent help from your surgery or the links above.

I volunteer with the Samaritans and each and every one of us would be honoured to listen to you and try to help you find your way through (we don’t give advice, just support). If you need to call multiple times that’s absolutely fine. If you cry and find it hard to speak that’s also fine. The webchat is good for anyone who doesn’t want to talk but may be less well staffed. Emails take a day or so to get a reply. So I recommend calling.

Please hang on in there. We care.

Absolutely THIS ^

Please call, @StuckHurtDone

How are you OP?

Hi all, apologies for a delay, I was trying to get my life back in order. Meh that’s hard work.

so here is the progress…

• he worked his way back in, but I was not stupid, I was playing the long game. Not arguing with him, in fact not talking to him. He promised ‘quality time’ and has come back drunk every night, with not even an apology.
• he unpacked his stuff while promising he will put the ring back on my finger… let’s all laugh together
• cane back drunk last night, absolutely horrific, no violence etc as I chose to go to bed.
• woke up this morning unaware of what happened no apology
• i went out for the day with him saying he will be back to make it up to me….
• ’home’ at 7 drunk as a skunk.. I’m calm (calmest I’ve ever been) I love you blah blah, told him I’m rock bottom, because of him,
• im now worse than his ‘narcissistic brother’ and a c* I demanded my keys back (he tried to leave with my shed keys and back door key) told him if he wants his stuff back it’s on my terms, he doesn’t get to waltz in when he feels like.

and in a twirl of smoke it’s done. I’m proud of myself for not being the crier like I usually am. Not begging him like I have done. I finally feel in control (although will do more once his crap has gone!!)

I also have an appointment with talking therapy tomorrow, I am still unsure about this, but am willing to try and see what happens.

Well done OP! 👏🏼You're awesome!

Well done @StuckHurtDone. You're feeling strong! Keep this feeling, fake it until you make it if need be. You'll be just fine :)

I don’t feel strong. I’m even more broken. But this (I hope) is the first step to piecing my paltry life back together.
i honestly don’t have any more tears to cry. I think that’s realisation that I was never ‘good enough’ for him.
he wanted a good little housewife that pandered to his every need.
im 90% sure he cheated on me but that is minor on the grand scheme of things. So im calling the GP tomorrow for a STI check to get the all clear.

Well done!!

Oh, well done, @StuckHurtDone! 👑 Stick with it, you deserve your best attention.

I've only read your posts. I'm sure somebody's already pointed out that he's abusing his mother, as well. Mothers will overlook a lot, of course, I'm just pointing out that your ex (🎉) is an habitual user and abuser of women. Keep him gone, and good luck with the therapy!

Stuck we almost never feel strong when the weight of what we’re doing is bearing down, but this is one of the strongest things you’ve done. In time to come you’ll look back and see it and be proud of yourself. But for now you don’t need to recognise it in that way, you can just keep focusing on putting one foot in front of the other until you’ve walked out of the mess he put you in. You’ve taken this step, just need to keep going a while. There may be some hard spots on the way, but over all it will get easier and easier.

Lean on others to help you when it feels too much. Glad you have some therapy but, if you can, find friends who will be supportive too.

I just want to curl up into a ball and shut everything and everyone out. Until it’s all done.
I can’t believe this is my life. What a mess.

i thank everyone of you. I’m a mug for keeping this cycle going. I’m my own worst enemy.

ive made sure all the doors are locked and he has no access- I don’t think he will try it but fear and all that (he was already drunk- his mum lives 25 mins away/ so assuming he’s gone straight to her village to the pub!)
but now what in terms of his stuff?

Put it in bags and get someone to collect it for him.

This!
Well done 💪

Just take the small steps right now. The first is the biggest. You can worry about (or burn) his clothes tomorrow. Just wrap yourself up tonight with a nice cuppa/ glass of whatever and feel extremely proud of yourself. 💪💪💪

He actually demanded I pack it up tonight- while attempting to put the rack on his car to take the electric bike but was too drunk to do so!!) but I’m not doing it. I’ve done it before, and quite frankly it’s not my job. It’s his shit. But equally I want it out. I am not involving anyone else to pick up his pieces- I don’t need to say my side of the story, I’ve done this too many times

What do I do about this phone? I can’t afford to pay the cancellation fee.

You might need to suck up the cancellation fee? But that's probably not something that you need to worry about tonight. One thing at a time. Deep breaths, you're doing great.

Fantastic news. Well done you, stay strong!!!!!

You have done yourself proud.
Well done OP.
Your head and heart have come together and you have realised it’s for ever this time. You were ready for it at last.
You will feel ready to start your new life soon, but one day at a time for now.
Admiring your courage …….don't look back now.

It’s hard to not look back when it was so full of promises. But the fact that I was strong this time I think says it all.
worried he will come back drunk and I’ll give in for fear of neighbours seeing etc

I know the whole process is overwhelming right now, but well done OP for taking this big step.

Take each day as it comes, it does get easier.

If he kicks off tell him you will phone the police. Follow through on the promise. This idiot like many before him needs barriers put in place & consequences for his actions. You need to show him you aren't giving in this time.

Anytime you are tempted to give in, remember how it felt sat at home, crying, unhappy knowing it won't get any better...

Good luck.