Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

Darling, I could be you
very very similar back story. Just ditched the twat ex years ago.
my family were only in touch if I could be useful.
last year it all crashed around me and I couldn’t control the suicidal thoughts. I ended up phoning the crisis centre. They were the kindest sweetest, most patient people I’ve ever met. They diagnosed me with complex post traumatic stress disorder and have put me on anti depressants whilst I whilst I await the long waiting list.
the things you are writing are exactly where my head is and was. I’ve got a bit of hope now. I’d say the same about people needing it more than me and they were so gentle and lovely, they said I was a pleasure to chat to and we should just have tea and biscuits instead of the formality.
please please reach out to your doctors and fight your corner. You DO deserve it, your as worthy as anyone you really are

This makes me so sad.
You're definitely enough.
You've had some terrible experiences in your life but please don't think nobody cares about you.

@StuckHurtDone regarding counselling. It would be worth getting in touch with your local branch of MIND, not the high street shop but the local branch where they often offer low cost counselling and have other systems of support such as interest groups or social activities. I used to work attached to two different branches as a CBT therapist and they were staffed by some really lovely supportive people (both employed and voluntary).

The support you’ve had here because you’ve spoken so honestly, is also available in other places. Do call the Samaritans in the short term, it’s really important to speak to someone; you absolutely deserve support. There’s a long wait for free counselling on the NHS but you don’t need to go through your GP, you can self refer to IAPT and say you want counselling specifically rather than CBT. 💐

In reply you told me you had a reasonably normal childhood. Yet your mum doesn't contact you even knowing you're in the depths of despair and you've never been good enough for your father - even worse he's treated someone unrelated far better.

This. You’re feelings of not being worth enough clearly stem from your fucked up parents.

Im so sorry OP, that sucks. You can’t change the past and you can’t change people, but you can change your future by taking control of this situation and not allowing yourself to be manipulated by this p.o.s. who isn’t worthy of you. You can at least stop the agony this shitty relationship is causing you. It will hurt at first because you think you love him and you’re used to begging for scraps to get peoples attention. But he has shown you who he really is which is a nasty, abusive, freeloading cocklodger who gives you nothing but angst and misery.

Im in an abusive marriage myself so I get how difficult it is and that sometimes you are trauma bonded to your abuser. But I don’t have any money and we have children. I’m a sahm and it’s going to be very difficult for me to leave in the circumstances.
You dont have any of these issues tying you down - you have your own place and a job, you’re independent. You don’t need him for anything at all.

Try to stop that inner narrative in your head of “I’m not worthy” - you are. When you’re feeling better (make sure you get that gp appointment) you need to get out and make some friends/join clubs etc.

You maybe just haven’t found your people yet.

You are still young enough to (after you’ve done some work on yourself) maybe meet someone lovely who treats you well, maybe even have a family.

Isn’t that an exciting thought? That you have a great future potentially waiting for you if you can just find the strength to get over this hurdle?

You need to get rid of this awful selfish man with an alcohol problem and work on improving your self esteem and developing respect for yourself.

You would not be with this man today if the first time he had arranged to come to yours for tea or to meet for a date he didn't show up was also the last because you dumped him.

You wouldn't be living with him if the first time he said he won't pay half the bills you said "you won't be moving in then".

If you don't have boundaries and respect yourself then not nice people will take advantage.

Get yourself free so that you are open to the possibility of meeting nice friends and a nice partner. I do think it would be hard to be your friend at the moment and watch you be disrespected and upset by such a selfish man repeatedly. You don't deserve to be treated like this. No one does.

Please get out. You’re better and stronger than me

Ok love, come on now. You are strong. You have no idea how strong you really are. It's in there, you have it, you just have to find it. Just take the first step, it can be the tiniest step, or a massive dramatic one. Whatever suits your mood 😉 think about it, you came on here and asked for help. So, you can do that again, but irl next time. It might take a while to be able to do that, but keep chatting on here until then. Just keep remembering that you are worth better, you can do better, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of 💐

I’m really not OP. I’m scared too.

The abuse is mental/financial rather than physical but I do know that if I was in your position of being financially independent (and in fact it sounds like you’ll be better off financially without him) and the house was mine I’d have booted him out long ago.

You really are so lucky that you can support yourself and also that you didn’t have children with this horrid person.
There’s literally nothing tying you to him but your own feelings of unworthiness. He cannot control anything you do unless you let him - you can be free right now, today. You can drop his stuff at his mums and never see him again. You can call the police if he turns up at your door getting aggressive. You don’t ever have to speak to him again and I really hope you find the strength not to, because he’ll come back and play nice again to worm his way back in. But as you have seen only the past few days this lasts a matter of hours/days before he’s causing a row and off to the pub again.

And I’m pretty sure that he won’t stop at spitting, that’s just the start - it’ll get worse once he’s realised you will just let him back in your house regardless.

I remember watching an episode of Dr Phil once and he had a guest on who said she felt worthless. What he said stayed with me - he said in the whole history of mankind there has never been another you and in the hundreds of thousands of years in the future there will never be another you. You are unique. You are important. You matter. I thought that was beautiful ❤️

But you ARE enough for YOU. You just won't or can't internalize that right now.

As far as your feeling of wishing a terminal illness on yourself, I totally get that. I have been at a point in my life where I would think "If only I could disappear" or "If only I wouldn't wake up". I would never, ever have attempted suicide, I just didn't want to have to deal with what I was experiencing. You know what, it scared me to feel that way and I'll bet it scares you too, though I don't expect you to acknowledge it to me.

Honestly, you really, really need to get into therapy. Not simply to 'get over him', but to give your mind a re-set and to work through issues that have been percolating inside you for ages. It won't be an easy or simple process but it will be so worth it.

It took me 18 months of therapy but the end result was the ability to love myself and value myself. And the result of that was marriage to a good man, 2 wonderful sons, and a happy life.

I'm not sure of the best way for you to access MH help and counseling in the UK. All I can do is urge you to do so. Where I am (US) as a last resort you can walk into any ER (A&E) and ask for help.

Aw op I've just read your thread from the beginning tonight. I want to reach out and hug you!! You are so much more
Re your dad - I have the same thing with mine. It's heartbreaking to be an adult and not feel loved by your father. It's really awful actually. I cry about it often and don't know why - we have nothing and I should be NC but don't have the courage to do it
I'm sure a therapist will tell you your dad is the source of your pain and reason behind why you picked tour dp, because he felt safe at the time. Don't know if that makes sense but I understand what I mean....

Sending a virtual hug - things will get better, hopefully soon ❤️‍🩹

Hugs to you re your Dad. It's bloody horrible.

I have just tried to self refer only to get the message ‘sorry you are not eligible’

Can I suggest you try to fill the referral in again? You say you wish you were diagnosed with a terminal illness. That sounds like depression to me. But I’m no expert.

Tried to contact Samaritans and the web chat is offline. I’m desperate now

are you keeping yourself safe?

I think so

I've just checked the Samaritans website chat. It's now up and running. But why not go ahead and call them instead anyway. There may be a wait, but wait. Don't put the phone down:

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Use this link to self refer to IAPT. As a GP, I know they won't turn you away based on your symptoms:

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-NHS-talking-therapies-service/what-happens-when-you-refer-yourself

If you are concerned that you may act on negative thoughts, you need to make contact with your local crisis helpline. I don't know where you are in the country but you may be able to find it here:
https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-urgent-mental-health-helpline

111 and 999 is not off limits if you feel that you are having a breakdown. 111 can advise and help you, as well as book a GP appointment for you.

Please take action today. Your mental health has been suffering for long enough.

We are rooting for you.

I used 111 when mine got too much and got referred to my local crisis centre.

you sound similar to me in that you’ll down play it and not be 100% honest so we get out to the back of the queue. Unfortunately with the way the funding is you will have to fight a bit and speak up - which goes against every fibre of our being
“don’t make a fuss, people are worse off”
your as deserving as the next person you truly are
Just existing is shit and you deserve happiness.

There's a spare room at his mother's. He won't be homeless.

What an absolute horror - get him in the bin.

When you feel terrible the last thing you need is a maze of form filling and further rejection.
MH support is patchy and poor and you have to be resilient to access it....at a time when you feel absolutely crap.

Please tell us how youre doing.

I can hardly see because my
eyes are so puffy from crying. I’ve got a weird pins and needles feeling in my left fingers

and I now have to sit for 3 hours doing a speed awareness course

I’m assuming it’s an online course and you can’t mute it?

I think as soon as you can you might need to call 111 as your having some physical symptoms.
or try your doctors again and say your having a mental health crisis

Please please ring somebody. Hopefully a decent person will get the ball rolling and get you the help you need. Pester the GP.

OP there's some excellent help here from @RiderofRohan please take a look at the links.