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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Broken beyond belief

816 replies

StuckHurtDone · 28/03/2024 17:52

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 00:16

Im not ok

OP posts:
grinchyvalentine · 03/04/2024 00:29

@StuckHurtDone would you like to talk about it or be distracted?

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 00:31

I just want all of this to of never happened. Currently sat in my dining room with all his stuff in bags around me that I’ve packed.
he convinced me to take him back. Convinced me to put my ring back on. And here we are 3 days later and he’s chosen the pub over me after requesting I cook a roast for dinner. I slaves for 4 hours. And he’s not coming back

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 00:32

I’m the biggest mug on this planet. What have I done to deserve this

OP posts:
grinchyvalentine · 03/04/2024 00:36

You’re not a mug you’re mourning what could have been if he could change his behaviour. He can’t or won’t change so you need to change your mindset and visualise the type of life you want to lead with the partner you deserve. Someone who respects you.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 00:37

Nobody respects me, nor will they ever. This is just what I need to get used to. I’ll never be good enough for anyone so what’s the point

OP posts:
grinchyvalentine · 03/04/2024 00:40

Nope, sorry I don’t attend pity parties. You said you hold down good jobs. That wouldn’t happen if nobody respects you. I, a stranger on the internet respects you for recognising that you deserve better. Pretend it’s someone you love in your situation. What would you tell them?

XelaM · 03/04/2024 00:43

StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 00:37

Nobody respects me, nor will they ever. This is just what I need to get used to. I’ll never be good enough for anyone so what’s the point

You're just wallowing in self-pity. Stop the victim mentality, find your anger, put his stuff outside and change the locks!

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 00:46

I’m sorry I’m hurt. And came here for support

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 03/04/2024 00:47

StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 00:37

Nobody respects me, nor will they ever. This is just what I need to get used to. I’ll never be good enough for anyone so what’s the point

Becoming good enough for yourself, good enough to respect yourself, good enough to get yourself a decent life, would be a pretty good point.

Runnerinthenight · 03/04/2024 00:50

StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 00:32

I’m the biggest mug on this planet. What have I done to deserve this

You haven't done anything to deserve it! That's the point.

Time to move on, because you absolutely deserve better! Let him fuck off to the far side of fuck. He's shown you who he is - believe him this time fgs!

MerchSwyddEfrog · 03/04/2024 01:03

I would take a photo of his stuff and tell him you are putting it outside for him to collect. Then do it. You need to stand up for yourself. Find your anger, how dare he treat you like this. You deserve better. He his treating you poorly because you let him. There will be someone else for you op, you are kind, successful, loving and giving. This idiot his dragging you down.

Noseybookworm · 03/04/2024 01:07

If you want to be respected you have to start by respecting yourself. That means not allowing anyone to treat you badly. You say he convinced to take him back but it was you who made that choice. Respecting yourself means owning your decisions. Stop wallowing in self pity and put this man out of your life permanently.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/04/2024 01:25

@StuckHurtDone

As I posted upthread, it's a very rare person who leaves an abusive relationship on the first go. So don't think allowing him back isn't something that 1000s have done before you. It's pretty common. It doesn't make you a failure. It makes you 'one of many'. You told him to get to fuck once, you can do it again. And you will.

You're NOT the biggest mug on the planet. And you've done NOTHING to deserve this. Your actions are based on so many different factors, but nothing that you've 'done'. Right now, it's just the way you react. But you can change that.

You say "I'll never be good enough for anybody", but you know what...the most important person you need to be 'good enough' for is YOU. And right now you don't feel good enough for you. Please get into counseling. You need to relearn your self worth and your self love. As you begin that journey you will have the strength to get him out and keep him out. Then you will be in the 'right place' to meet someone who will value you and treat you as you deserve to be treated.

Deep breath, straighten your shoulders, and step forward into your future. Get into counseling.

scoobysnaxx · 03/04/2024 01:28

OP there really is no other option but to sling him out. Today.

It hurts. It's shite. It's lonely. I get it.

But you deserve so much better.

And better is out there.

Ohffsbarbara · 03/04/2024 01:44

OP - c’mon now! He’s fucking crap. He’s a shitty alcoholic waster. He spits in your face ffs!!

Why WHY are you cooking him a roast and sat there mooning over him? He is human garbage!!!

Write a list of pros and cons about your relationship with him. What is good about it in one column, everything nasty he’s done to you in the other.

If nothing else it will help you see in your own handwriting the glaring reality of your relationship and you may find it therapeutic.

He’s not worth a piece of shit on your shoe my love xx

LAMPS1 · 03/04/2024 01:54

Oh OP !
I know that feeling of just wanting it never to have happened and being frozen with fear about the future. Lots of us have been there.

But you are right, he isn’t going to change. Not ever. Only for the worse. It will all become even worse. He’s let you down too many times now …he’s used to letting you down, used to not caring about you. He’s weak. He isn’t capable of respecting you and you simply can’t have that any more.

The thing is, you are actually stronger than him and worth a million times more than this. And eventually you will have to pick yourself up and put one foot in front of the other to go to work. And then, you will feel better about yourself and you will be angry with him and upset that you didn’t act sooner. It’s an inevitable pattern so if you recognise it, you can help yourself a bit more.

Whatever you do OP, hold on to your job. It’s your life-line until you get used to the new situation without him.

I really admire you for having packed his stuff already, that’s an enormous achievement. You have realised that it really is over this time and that you deserve better than this. Keep following through on getting him out.
He will try even harder this time to make you change your mind again, not because he cares or has had a sudden personality change, but because of the inconvenience to him.

This yo-yoing is so bad for your mental health. It is draining and exhausting you, wearing you down. It can’t go on and you know that.
Summon all your courage this time and don’t let him talk you round.

If you can, put his stuff outside so that he doesn’t have to come back indoors. I know that will be hard for all sorts of reasons, but it’s the best way if you can manage it.

Keep going OP. A much better life is out there for you to grab.

Bananalanacake · 03/04/2024 04:11

When you say, and he's not coming back, did he say that or is that you not allowing him back, if so well done, I would also leave his bags outside for him to collect, take him off your phone contract.

buidhe · 03/04/2024 07:19

OP he has done you a huge favour my mucking it up again so quickly. You now know what to expect. And it seems your mind is made up. Keep going, keep your head high. You are better than all this and you don't deserve how he treats you.

Take a deep breath, be proud of yourself and take it one day at a time. This is the first day of the rest of your life and there are many great possibilities out there.

FlakyPanda · 03/04/2024 07:37

Morning OP, I’m glad you came back and sorry you are not OK. I respect you as a fellow unlucky human who happened to fall for a monumental loser. It’s not you, it’s him and there are much better partners out there who would put your needs first in a healthy, adult relationship. It’s going to hurt but you have to kick him out and cut him off. You can do it! X

eggplant16 · 03/04/2024 08:37

I'm thinking thousands of people could say things like " Don't be so stupid, why have you taken him back " and so on but its not going to connect with the OP.

My advice would be, today, find a therapist. Don't make excuses about not having money or don't know how to do it. Find a BACP therapist. Start the process. Find support groups in your area.

A load of ranting strangers on Mumsnet probably isn't helping.

Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 10:20

His stuff is still here. I can not bring my self to even text him to say come and get it. Nor do I want to drive it to his mums house.

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckHurtDone · 03/04/2024 10:24

Bananalanacake · 03/04/2024 04:11

When you say, and he's not coming back, did he say that or is that you not allowing him back, if so well done, I would also leave his bags outside for him to collect, take him off your phone contract.

I meant he’s chosen to not come back because he was drunk and ‘stuck in the pub’

OP posts:
Iamnotalemming · 03/04/2024 10:39

Why don't you just go out yourself? Pull a coat and shoes on, and go for a walk, get some fresh air? Go to the shop and get something nice to eat for lunch.
You are stuck in a negative thought cycle and need to break it.

Calamitousness · 03/04/2024 10:40

What is stopping you from getting rid of this rubbish once and for all. Is it fear of loneliness? I promise you. You won’t feel as lonely on your own as you do with him and waiting for him. It can’t be love because no one can love someone that clearly doesn’t love them and is so abusive. There’s no good point to love. If you think you love him, maybe that’s an idea you’ve made up. It’s not really real. You’ve possibly given him attributes in your mind that he doesn’t actually have. Just get rid of him and join some local groups. There are art groups/choirs/fitness/night classes etc. you will quickly meet others who will not treat you like this.

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