Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

Come on OP, keep going. You are doing great. Get through this crappy day.

Get some support. You can do this.

I’ve had the same song on repeat for hours and I’ve just opened a bottle of wine

This is the life you've accepted for yourself and that should change today. What does he offer you? Real partnership? Nope. Nothing.

Be done and make effort to meet people, build a healthy life and learn your worth.

Have a ‘fuck it’ night and drink the wine but make sure you don’t let it make you feel worse. Not trying to tell you what to do, just a thought that alcohol is a depressant and you don’t want it to ‘bring you down’ as such. You want to wake up tomorrow feeling a little more confident, assertive and sure of what you want x

You can only begin to get over this if you kick him out and move through the stages of grief.

You are never going to get what he promised you - he’s incapable of that. You will only begin to smile again when you are on the path to rebuilding your life after this crappy relationship.

Otherwise you are going to carry on going through this same cycle of abuse again and again. He will never change - you KNOW this. He’s a complete and utter loser - he offers you nothing but your self esteem is so low you’d rather accept the crumbs he throws yourself way than nothing.

You are still young enough to find someone nice and maybe have a family - you will never get this whilst you are pining over this horrible individual.

It will be hard at first - you are lonely and need to get out there and make friends/join clubs so you have other things going on in your life.

Please stop wasting your life on this dreadful man.

He will eventually come back and want to carry on where he left off. You need to be strong enough to not let that happen.

Staying off the booze will help though I get the temptation to drown your sorrows. You are mourning a relationship that turned out to be based on lies. It’s never going to be good and the sooner you accept this the sooner you’ll move on. You’ve got to find the inner strength to say “no more”. To do anything else is a form of self-harm. Why do you want to continue to hurt yourself?

Enjoy the wine but please post here later to let us know you're OK.

And please DO NOT, weepy and under the influence of alcohol, beg him to come back. Switch you phone right off so that if you were tempted to weaken you would at least have the time it took to restart to come to your senses.

You've been through a horrible, demeaning relationship that you didn't deserve, but now you can be free. You're still young and healthy, and there's an entire world out there to learn, explore, experience.

Please get counseling. I'm not a doctor, but reading through your replies I strongly suspect depression and/or anxiety.

Also, you are an introvert. So am I and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. It just means that you recharge alone and that you may struggle with personal interactions because too much of other people exhausts you. Find a sport or other hobby and join a club. Doing fun things with other people is the quickest way to bond with them and establish relationships.

You really can do this, OP. Just take one, small positive step each day.

I get this OP and I think it’s is to do with moving around/ away from hometown. I’ve lived in a few areas and find it difficult as an adult to make new friends. I settled in an area for about 7 years and it took me 5 years to find a couple of close friends - then they both moved away! 😭 I’ve moved again now and gradually meeting “acquaintances” but nobody who I’d call a friend yet. Hopefully it will come with time. You do have to push yourself out of your comfort zone though - join a local club, the gym or choir group? Volunteer? It’s not like uni or college days when you’d meet new people all of the time! Please don’t feel it is anything to do with your personality though - I can assure you it won’t be.

This is the beginning of a much better life, OP.

OP just to say I had a drop-in-when-he-wants dad too, and I do think it marks you. Makes you set your expectations of men low, and perhaps gives you an air of loneliness that can put people off.

At any rate I recognize the 'talks to everyone, friend of noone' situation. Cut yourself some slack and try life without your current encumbrance.

@StuckHurtDone

You know yourself, but for me alcohol and heartbreak did NOT mix well. It made me soppy, sobby, and prone to phone calls that I regretted deeply the next day or ended up causing me more pain. So just be careful and don't make calls or texts that are not going to help you heal.

As far as 'I should have kept my mouth shut', you are so wrong!!! Opening your mouth and speaking your truth was the best thing you ever did. It showed you that you've been tailoring your behaviour to keep him sweet. It showed you who he really is. Doing that means that you have taken the first step (unknowingly at the time) to true happiness and a life based on honesty and self-value.

Now you just need to keep taking those baby steps. Changing your phone pic and emergency details was a great next step. Maybe tonight you can take another one; block him and his mother. Just do it overnight if you aren't ready for permanently.

I worry that the wine and nostalgia for the man he used to be will make you phone him, forgive him, and ask him to come back. He's not going to change. I hope, for you, that it's not a case of 'any man is better than no man'. Because that's wrong. We're all here, wishing you strength to get through this. Is this how you really want your life to be, with a man who SPITS on you???

"I can't afford counselling"

You can. Cancel his phone contract and stop funding him. Kick him out. Change the locks.

I'm sorry to be brutal but he doesn't love you. No one treats someone they love the way he treats you. You deserve so much better. He is using you for an easy life (my sister had a man like this and she is infinitely happier now he has gone). Cut him adrift. Life is way too short.

You can actually go on a waiting list for NHS counselling. See your doctor.

Ah mate. You’re going through it all right. But you’re taking the little steps you need to be happier. You don’t love him - you love who you want him to be, but he never will because he’s a cunt.

Drink your wine and start afresh tomorrow.

I’m 51 next week and I’ve been single since 2017 (aside for a few dalliances). I can honestly say that I’ve never been happier. Oh yes I may have the odd day where I’d like to spend it with a guy - but not many. I have an idiot dog who’s far better company than most men, an interesting job and a few select friends. You’re far far behind me in life and staying with this prick is only preventing you from meeting better people for friendships and relationships. So turf him out and look ahead.

He spat at you? Fuck me, the bar can't be any lower than that. Wouldn't see me for dust. Leave!!

You need to find your anger OP. He's an absolutely dick, you're well rid of someone that thinks its okay to spit at you.

The spitting! You deserve better than this, get rid! Not only is he irresponsible, he's nasty. You don't abuse your Mum's home when she's in hospital, you clean and make it welcoming for her to come to and then look after her. Horrible, selfish son, man and partner.

Talking therapies is free..search the net and self refer

Hope youre OK?

Hi OP, wondering how you are. Your post resonated as I had a BF who spat , was rude and disrespectful, drunk and uninterested in having a loving relationship. It took too long (I went back several times) but cutting him loose was the best way to be happy. I hope you feel better today and are taking steps forward, not back to him 💐

Hey @StuckHurtDone wondering how you did through the night. 9 hr time difference, its late morning here, so I guess I should say 'and how are you doing today?'..

Listen, it takes an average of 7 'tries' before a person in an abusive relationship manages to get out. If you've 'caved' don't be afraid to let us know. We'll simply encourage you to try again. And do take advantage of the resources others have mentioned.

You can successfully leave an abusive relationship. Sometimes it just takes time.

How are you doing OP? Really hoping you're ok.

Another one hoping you're ok OP.

OP wishing you the best