Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

I know I’m wallowing. I know I’m creating a pity party. But it hurts. I feel I have to hold on. Even though what I’d say to anyone else in this situation would be the exact opposite.
i am on annual leave, with nothing to do, nobody to call.

Is It possible/feasible for you to get away somewhere while you’re off work? A last minute holiday just you? Hotel somewhere sunny/different for a couple of nights and away from all this, get some perspective, think about what you want to do for yourself?

Nothing will change unless you change it. He showing you what you mean to him, he's taking the piss.

I know it's hard but take a deep breath and take your life back. You'll look back and be so glad you did.

I can’t afford to unfortunately. Having paid all my bills I am left with £150 to feed myself and get to work until the end of the month.
Ive been for a walk, but I get bored having nobody to talk to. I try to clear my head but I just overthink everything and end up feeling worse and helpless

When do you go back to work?

It is hard on your own. But I bet you really don't feel any better when he's there.

Is there somewhere 'safe' outside where you can leave his stuff? No, you don't need to take it to his mum's - that's not your job.

Just put some nonsense on the TV and watch it. Anything to distract you

next week. Been off since Thursday.

Nowhere safe- and it’s been pouring down all morning.

the tv is on, but background noise. I’m trying to keep busy but it’s hard. I just cry constantly.

tried to call the GP as others have suggested. They wouldn’t even entertain me. Oh sorry no appointments for a while you’ll have to call back at the beginning of next week to try again

Sorry to hear the GP isn't helpful. Ours has an online form for appts where you put some of the details of why you want to see them. Then they triage online. Does yours do that?

It's really really hard for you right now I know. If he comes back put his stuff in the hall before he comes in (can you keep him locked out?) Or put it out through a window.

Come on here as often as you need to. Look online for help/therapy as PP have suggested. There are also some excellent books that can help - I'm sure someone can post the titles - Lundy Bancroft is who to look for

Have a look here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/s?k=lundy+bancroft&crid=S8TRKQ9XCJV6&sprefix=lundy%2Caps%2C115&ref=nb_sb_ss_ts-doa-p_1_5

Cancel his phone contract or anything else you pay for, for him and free up some of YOUR money

It WILL end. It may take time, but you didn't get enmeshed with him overnight and he sadly won't vanish overnight either

But remember. EVERY time he comes back,, he treats you badly. And no-one ever deserves that. Including you

sadly not, you have to physically call them. It’s a joke of a system. Because im not demanding a same day appointment I have to keep calling back. They actually offered me a job there and we’re desperate to have me- so glad I turned it down.

Ill have a look at those books.

I can’t cancel the contract or I’ll have to pay an early termination fee that I can’t afford.

I once called The Samaritans when my step-father was dying of lung cancer. I originally called to raise concerns about him yet the person on the other end of the phone asked after me and how I was coping. It was like a gentle hand hold. Give them a try. If not, talk to us. There’ll always be someone here on the thread to give you a shoulder to cry on.

I just feel like a burden. Everyone has much bigger problems than mine. I would hate to waste the time of a Good Samaritan when someone who needs their time more than me goes without.

it’s just so f**d up, how low someone can go to intentionally hurt you. Even now I can’t get angry. Because it’s just not me. Yes I am angry but I don’t display it.

There must be a whole massive back story as to how you arrived at this point. Isolated, away from family, struggling.

This awful person is taking advantage.

The ill mother is absolutely nothing to do with you. She is not your concern.
Keep well away.

Get support today. Google and find something, somewhere. Services are stretched but there are things. The Samaritans is an excellent choice. Is there any kind of library or community hub?

Don't drink alcohol.

Take his stuff to his mums. Get that off your hands. Text him after and say your stuff at your mums...im done. Then block him.

Is there nothing free you can do in your area op? Any museums/galleries?

You could go and offer to do a few days volunteering in a charity shop or something just to get you out of the house.

Is there honestly no one (family/friends) you could meet for a coffee? Are you sure you’re not assuming you’ve got no one when actually there are people who’d love to hear from you? When you’re in a negative mindset and have been in an abusive situation it’s easy to convince yourself you are not worth anyone’s time.

But you are. And the Samaritans are there for anyone who is feeling low for any reason - there isn’t a certain level of abuse you need to be suffering. I don’t think you realise how bad he is because it’s become your “normal” and you are so ground down.

They're not like that at all. There can be a bit of a wait sometimes, but it's good to be able to offload on someone completely objective. It's what they're there for.

Don't go anywhere near the Mums.

Everyone has much bigger problems than mine. I would hate to waste the time of a Good Samaritan when someone who needs their time more than me goes without

There will always be someone in a worse situation than you but I your situation is genuinely really bad. You mustn't underestimate how bad it is and how badly it's making you feel. Sorry if it's already been suggested but can you write everything down. Do pros and cons of what you can do.

Im not going to his mums. I do not have the energy nor the mental space to deal with all of that. I’ll just end up crying and make myself look an even bigger numpty so it’s a pointless exercise

I have tried to write things down, multiple times: but then I just get frustrated and scribble all over it like a spoilt child.

im so sorry to all of you for wasting your time on me.

You aren’t wasting our time! Mumsnet can be a harsh place and if we didn’t care then we would scroll on by.

Have you tried writing down your Joy List? Once a day or once a week write down something that made you laugh or makes you happy and stick it in the fridge. Make a happy mood board with postcards and pictures from magazines. Buy that face pack and pedicure set. And use them. This is your time and if anyone tries to invade it then say “Sorry, that’s inconvenient for me right now.”

I don't think a facepack is going to do the trick. Find a reputable therapist.

It’s an example of self-care.

Personally speaking I would have no hesitation in driving to his mothers house to return his stuff. I'd also have no hesitation in sharing with her the feelings shared on this thread. If nothing else it would feel cathartic & give closure to what sounds like an abhorrent situation. If his mother tried to convince me otherwise I would make my apologies for what has happened then say my goodbyes, end off.

He's utterly repulsive and you know it.

Don't fall into the trap of self pity. You CAN get your shit together and dumping him is the first step.

Join a couple of classes or a local club, volunteer for something, join a meet up group. It takes effort but I promise it'll be worth it in the long run. You'll get to know lots of people and eventually some of them will become friends.

While you're waiting for your new activities to bear fruit, breathe, and enjoy knowing you're in control and he no longer has power over you.

Good luck!

im so sorry to all of you for wasting your time on me.

Oh OP, I can hear in your posts that you have no confidence, self esteem on the floor. Please lose the thought that you're wasting our time. You're not. I'm sure that, like me, if we could be with you we'd give you the biggest hug.

And that's why we're posting, even if some of the posts seem cruel. We don't want you to keep being hurt by him. We care about you.

You know you need to put him in the bin, so you need to acknowledge (to youreslf, not us) why you can't let him go.

I seriously don’t have the energy for her. Partly because I feel sorry for her. He uses her like you wouldn’t believe. And she just wants him to love her