Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

I have also decided to not go and see his mum. I might take a walk and go celebrity spotting as there’s a fair few round here

He’s got a drink problem and you are really really not thinking clearly or rationally staying with this man in your life.
He literally brings nothing to your life.
The absolute best thing you could do for yourself is to get rid of him and move on living your life for you. What are you expecting to happen here long term? A magical improvement? He isn’t capable of being who you want him to be. Lots of luck to you op xx

Get that bloody phone contract of his cancelled whilst you’re at it.

Cheeky sod that he is.

Thats the spirit op - get outside, it’s a nice day. Go and buy yourself a big Easter egg for later - I have a wispa one waiting in the fridge!

Yes you have done something wrong. You haven't kicked him out! Sorry but if he'd spat at me he would have been ejected out the front door with my foot up his arse!
You need to change the locks immediately. So no, he won't be taking the TV. If he's left any of his stuff leave it outside the front door. Preferably when it's raining.
Surely being on your own would be better than with this filthy disgusting parasite.

He’s 47 with no stable income, relies on you to keep him and earns just enough pocket money to let him go to the pub. It certainly isn’t you who doesn’t have their life together!

Can you afford counselling if you’re not supporting this man child? You are stuck with yourself your whole entire life so it’s worth investing in you.

Yeah, LTB

Thank goodness. Makes the next steps much easier.

In the kindest way op you are being a martyr and a victim...please stop

You are a perfectly able and capable young woman of 36 with a home in your name and a job, turn the leaf
Stop talking down to yourself
Dump him today, do not discuss, just do it.
Focus on building friendships and career.
Ignore men for a long time
Enjoy the life you have

I am so sorry if l sound blunt, but a lovely friend at your age has cancer and wants to live so much, you have a perfectly good life and are passively being a victim.....please, please stop and start leading a better life with higher standards.

Stop giving a fuck what he or anyone else thinks and BUILD YOUR BEST LIFE

Just dump him FFS

I know you're trying to kind/ helpful here, but your friend 's cancer has nothing to do with OP's situation. OP will act only when she comes to that realisation. It usually takes a few attempts to leave an abusive partner. And sadly no amounts of of other people's sick friends will magically make that happen (your post particularly struck a chord with me as my mum's friend got cancer and died from it, leaving two teenage girls with no parent) but it still took years after that until mum reached her 'rock bottom '. No amount of guilt will work, it has to be one's own personal decision/ realisation imo. Sorry again to hear of your friend's situation.

I wonder do you rely on being 'needed' as form of self worth.
You met this man at a funeral where he was grieving his deceased friend.

You were lovely and nice. Maybe it was good to feel needed.

But maybe your partner wanted someone to love him, but he didn't necessarily want to love somebody in return.

High maintenance abusive men target women who are very nice and who put their own needs aside.

It's nothing to do with you as a person, you need to accept that.

You were somewhat targeted by a needy user of a man who was looking for a mother figure to continue having someone else to shoulder his responsibilities while he acts like a teenager.

You were penalised for being loving and caring.

Women are natural caregivers. We are socialised to be nice and loving and we often taught by our mothers to put our needs aside for rude, dismissive, absent, sick or drunk men.

It might suit a person to do that too, because then we don't have to face our own struggles in life.
The man becomes a distraction and a 'project'. We can fabricate a life around them and we demand very little of them.

You are not to blame here.
You did your very very best to help that dying man.
You need to forgive yourself and make peace with that.

Don't let yourself be defined by one event.
You don't need to keep trying to make it up to the world somehow.

You were enough already and you are still enough.

That's very thought provoking stuff. My Mum is 'nice', my dad had lost his mother young and had to 'bring up' 9 younger kids when she died. He was 14 afaik. Thank you for the perspective.

It doesn't have to be. You have control over who comes into your house. Why are you putting up with him?

I don't doubt there were signs, you might as well have had a placard round your neck saying 'I am vulnerable and ripe for exploitation', but that does not have to go on being the case.

Oh this is so awful and I'm so sorry to read this. You sound lovely and deserve so much better. Wishing you so much strength to get through this and move on with your life.

xxx

Could he be a functioning alcoholic? I'd advise you to look at Al anon for support for yourself and you might find when speaking to others that he probably is x

Not to mention, (and I know you're not implying as such) but even if you did have a bloody sign around your neck welcoming abuse, what sort of person would say 'great, I'll crack on with abuse so'

Ahh OP this is so sad to read. I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing this. You sound like you know what you need to do but just need the support and virtual ‘hand-holds’ on here. I really hope you find the strength to leave him, you really deserve so much better, he’s treated you awfully he really has. Please keep up updated if you want to, we’re all rooting for you. Sending hugs x

OP.....what are you waiting for? What more of a sign do you want that he has contempt for you?? A slap or punch you? Theft of all your money??? You need some anger.

Thats the way, Chin up, shoulders back, tits out, (figuratively speaking) and smile. You’re as worthy as anyone else, start by being a little more assertive, you don’t have to be downright bolshy but make your presence felt. I was a bit like you until I met dh, I have a tendency to put myself down, he doesn’t like it, he gave me the confidence to realise that I have a voice, I matter, I am enough, as good as anyone else and you are too.
Make this the last time you’ll ever have to walk on eggshells again around a drunken lazy man child.

I just want things to be easy. Ive created such a mess. I should of just kept my mouth shut

OP it sounds like what you could do with developing is a little courage. You are trying to take the easy path in the moment. But it doesn’t lead to a good destination. You need to find the courage to take a more difficult route for a while to get yourself somewhere better.

All the best working it out. I hope you manage to do it today, but if not, you can try again later. It will be a shame to waste more of your life, but don’t feel like you can’t come back here or to anyone else who’s tried to help and ask again in the future.

I could never afford counselling

Of course you can, @StuckHurtDone . Use the cash you've been wasting on this scoundrel and save yourself.

And if you've not already done so, read WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH by Dr Robin Norwood. Ghastly title, but it is a classic for a reason.

I obviously don't know the ins and outs of your life, but why do you think YOU created a mess? Stop and think that at the very least you both have. And certainly I suspect that was not in equal measure. But wherever you are now, the past is a different country and it's your future that matters. What do you want that to be? What do you want to be doing? Channel your energy into thinking about that.

I honestly don’t know? I want what was promised to me. I want to wear a smile. I don’t want to cry