Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

Your choice of a partner is making you cry. Get rid of him, no one should be with him. Why do you volunteer?

So not being unreasonable. I am so sorry to hear of your situation, I think you must have very low self esteem to put up with such behaviour. It is not acceptable and I agree with all posts saying to end the relationship. He spat at you, he is abusive and doesn't show you any consideration this is not how relationships work.

It’s NOT your job to “fix” him. You’ve done nothing wrong.
I’m another one suggesting you do the Freedom Programme (google it) and stay safe, strong and single while you work on your confidence and self respect.
You can do it and you are worth it.
Good luck. X

Your self esteem sounds low, op. It’ll only get worse while you’re with this nasty abusive waste of space. You deserve better! Being on your own would be 10x better than this- embrace that! If, in time, you find someone worthy of you then that’s great too. But focus on yourself right now. This man is awful.

OP, you need and deserve counselling. It sounds like you were understandably traumatised by what happened. Please contact your GP and explain to them what happened. Ask what support they can refer you for. Contact your local branch of Mind, they are fantastic.

It is not your fault that the man died. Once someone goes into cardiac arrest there is something like a 10% chance that they will survive. It is not the norm. You did everything that you could have - 45 minutes of CPR is really above and beyond.

It is great that you confronted your dad about his terrible parenting. Try to access that anger at being mistreated again and leave your awful partner. He too is lacking and treating you poorly.

I'd pop along to your local church on Easter Sunday and see what they have going on during the week. Our local church does loads of midweek groups, lunches, churchyard working parties, befriending of housebound elderly people etc. They can be real community hubs and people are usually very friendly.

@Ohffsbarbara See it's trauma.

I'm sorry, WHAT?! He SPAT at you?? Jesus Christ OP, you poor thing. That is absolutely not okay, and not in any way excusable. Is he normally such a lout?

I can understand he's upset about his mum (even if he doesn't really do anything useful for her), and having already lost his dad, he's probably very sensitive to every twinge and illness she has. And grief (for one parent already lost, and perhaps another soon on the way) can make people behave in really strange ways.

I don't really know what the answer is OP. But you sound so beaten down and fed up. Sending your love and a handhold.

Why are you questioning this? Of course it’s awful. Do you like being treated like this? Then end it. What’s holding you back?

You are only being unreasonable to give this waste of skin any headspace.

He’s got you where he wants you - he relies on you ‘not being the sort’ to kick up a fuss.

Can you name two positive things he brings to your life?

Please take this time to pack his shit and close the door on him permanently. You do not need to be responsible for him and his actions. Stop rescuing and fixing his messes he’s clearly not grateful. In fact he’s resentful of it.

Your in an abusive relationship. Please take one step and change the locks and leave his stuff at his mums

Every poster that has responded thinks you are important or they wouldn't have bothered.

The problem is, you don't think that. You place no value on your feelings or on YOU.

Please read the posts carefully

If you get him out you will certainly feel lighter

Read the links for counselling and advice.

Put one foot forward today and make a start.

Tomorrow put the other one. And so on till you're walking towards your new life

This is what happens when someone is subjected to years of abuse. Slowly boiling the frog etc. it causes people to literally question their own sanity. My mother only left when she started to starve herself. She told me after that food was the only thing she felt she could control. Abusers are extremely adept at manipulating their targets over time so much so that up is down and so on.

Op, I’ve been where you are now and I completely understand how hard it is to let go of the man you thought he was and the life you thought you’d have.
But this is who he is, and this is the life you will have if you stay with him. He won’t change, and you’ll be miserable. Is that what you want for life?
You’re 36. You have more life ahead of you than behind. This is where you need to be brave and choose a better future for yourself. I totally understand how hard it is to make new friends, but you’ve a much better chance of doing that when your emotions are stable and not constantly being thrown into a cycle of things being ok, then bad, then awful. It will take time for you to rebuild, but you will, I promise!
This man is an abuser. He doesn’t care about you one jot.
Kick him out. Grieve what you thought you would have, of course it will hurt for a while. But it will pass, and will be nothing like the pain this man will inflict on you for as long as you stay with him xxx

OP, in the UK only 10% of people in the UK who suffer an out of hospital arrest survive. CPR is not designed to bring them back, its designed to prevent brain death by keeping the brain supplied with blood until medical folk come along to do the stuff that actually brings them back. 45 mins of CPR is incredible and gave that person a fighting chance. Whether he lived or died was never in your hands in the first place.

The fact that the casualty was a close friend of a partner who has treated you like this isn't a coincidence. The misplaced guilt you feel has allowed this horrible relationship to take root.

Err no - he was dead already. Less than 10% of people survive a cardiac arrest outside of hospital. You tried. It didn't work. Health professionals get taught that the person is already dead and you're just trying to resurrect them. There is a study where even after CPR inside a hospital ICU only 26.9% survive to be discharge from hospital.

See your GP. Tell them you can't afford counselling, and that you have no support network. Look into some support from charities like Women's Aid, or the BHF.

You deserve so much better than this, take this opportunity to turn your life around,. The two things on your side, you’re not married to him and the house is in your name. Pack his stuff up, change the locks and don’t let him back in. How old is he? Only a child needs play money, however the title of child fits him, he’s behaving like a child.

You didn't fail, lovely, you gave him a chance until the paramedics got there.

Wallow for today, and be kind to yourself, it sounds like you need it. Turn your phone off so that he can't contact you. Tomorrow, get the locks changed and bag up the rest of his stuff.

Oh, sweetheart... Please reread your original text, then imagine this story being relayed to you by a woman you care about; your best friend, or grown daughter... What advice would you give them? Would you tell them to stay with this so-called man and put up with this treatment? I think not. You deserve so much more. Also, instead of thinking of this as a failed relationship, please try to think of the steps you know you need to take, as you regaining your self respect, and independence; treating yourself with kindness... Good luck x

You are not God, love, you don't have the power of life and death. You did your best, you tried your hardest. That he didn't survive is NOT YOUR FAULT. I'm not saying you shouldn't be sad or even feel a small sense of 'failure', no, maybe 'regret' is better word, that's normal. But you shouldn't hate yourself for it.

And perhaps I'm being all psychobabble, but do you think you may have some sort of 'saviour thing'? Perhaps you felt you had a 'mission to save' the cocklodger who is now causing you such pain.

I hold my own hand up as being previously guilty of thinking I could change a loser into a winner with the 'power of my love'. It turns out it was all about my own (at that time) low self esteem. Somehow I felt if I could 'save' some man that meant I was a worthwhile person. Counseling taught me different and I was able to get rid of that self destructive behaviour. I learnt to value myself and as a result learnt to choose men who would value me as a person worthy of being loved and respected.

You say you can't afford counseling. To my way of thinking, you can't afford NOT to have counseling. I'm not in the UK but I'm sure the resources are out there. Start with the Freedom Programme that has helped so many women. Start by reading 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft.

And please don't see his mother. You need to be severing all connections to him, and that includes his mother. There is nothing she can say to you that will be helpful in your situation.

I’ve come back to the thread to check up on you op only to find several more pages of wise mumsnetters saying the exact same thing. Is it sinking in yet?
Many of the women here have been through the exact same shit in relationships and know what they’re talking about - to end this shit show is the only way to go.

OP - I wouldn’t have even known what to do in that situation. You knew cpr and performed it until the paramedics came. So he had the best possible chance with you there. He still died - he would’ve died regardless. People die every day - it was in no way your fault - it wasn’t “your watch” you just happened to live next door.
Has that dickhead insinuated you are in some way to blame? What was he doing whilst you were performing cpr, hmm?

You sound depressed to me (it’s not surprising given what you’ve been dealing with), you seem to have a very negative view of yourself - do you think talking to the gp might help?

Please don’t take this horrible excuse for a person back op. Now is the perfect time to bag up his stuff and get him out whilst he’s at his mums. And don’t visit her - she’ll not be in your life if you boot him out anyway so what’s the point. If you feel like it just send her a text briefly explaining what he’s done and that the relationship is over, wish her the best and then block her. You have to do this as he’ll use her as another way to manipulate and wheedle his way back in.

I’m sending you a massive hug through the invisible tethers of MN - and I’m a good hugger as I have big boobs and chunky arms so imagine me giving you a big warm squeeze and letting you have a little cry on my shoulder my love xxx we are all here for you

This doesn’t have to be your life OP❤️

Get through the day OP. Don't mess about vsisitng the mother.

The chances of reviving someone who is in need of CPR and you're just a bystander are something like 6% @StuckHurtDone. It's incredibly rare to save someone outside a hospital setting and/or with no defibrillator to hand. So you should a) give yourself a huge pat on the back for trying and b) not feel bad. The fact is, you responded to the call from your neighbour and you gave that person a chance. You tried your best! But the odds were massively stacked against you succeeding and you shouldn't feel bad about the outcome.

You tried to save a man’s life, cpr isn’t easy and it isn’t as successful as the telly makes it out to be,

His main relationship is with alcohol, it will always come first, he verbally abuses you and now the aggression has started, spitting at you..abusive.

Don’t go and see his mother, you know she’s going to plead his case for him, she’s probably sick of him herself and wants him out from under feet.
Instead spend the time doing something for yourself, anything, it doesn’t matter what it is, so long as it isn’t what someone else expects or wants you to do.

Surviving CPR is highly, highly unlikely. According to this study, it's 12%. People think it's more. Give yourself a break OP, not your fault one bit https://www.bmj.com/company/newsroom/patients-overestimate-the-success-of-cpr/

Thank you all, and double thanks for those who have come back to check on me.

I don’t often think of the man who sadly died, but when I do it hits like a tonne of bricks.

whilst I am not mentally ready to pack his stuff, I have taken some small steps in changing things. I have changed my phone background from a picture of us. I have also updated my work details and removed him as next of kin. Same for my emergency details on my phone.