Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

I know, I remember feeling like that but you're not going to get that from him. In his life you're there to give him the lifestyle he feels entitled to and your needs are neither here nor there as far as he's concerned. Unless of course he has to do some light relationship maintenance to stop you leaving.

Please leave him, OP, the life you want is out there.

It's never going to happen while you are with him.

Oh op I'm sorry this is how it's turned out. Bit this man is an abusive drunk. Get your locks changed. Then pack up everything that he owns (which I'm guessing isn't the tv since you've seemed to pay for everything) and text him saying 'I've packed up your stuff, I'm putting it outside the house and you can come pick it up from x time. And incase it wasn't clear, we're over'

Then give yourself time to recover. Let yourself cry, watch your favourite films on the couch, go out for long walks, get a haircut, read self help books, look into hobby groups around you to make friends.

I know it's so hard to see it when you're in the eye of the storm but you WILL be good again

Good luck op

Not so fast, the OP might have a bit of trauma from this situation. OR she may feel as though it's one of those "fate" things. If she hadn't gone round the house to help she would never have met her current partner. So she may have felt it was meant to be in some way. I don't know what I think about these kind of things..if there is any rhyme or reason to anything. My life has had more twists and turns than a Harry Potter novel!

I hate myself because I tried and failed to save a man. He literally died on my watch.

Try to get through the weekend maybe without any further trouble. These bank holidays can be extremely isolating.

Then, come Tuesday try and make some very small plans to move forward.

do not bloody go!

Please just cut them off. Its all a way to reel you back in.

Op, your latest post is quite troubling. If you feel that way then you need to seek counselling to deal with it. Obviously none of us know the circumstances, but in several cases locally where CPR was performed until the ambulance arrived, the person was gone suddenly, and nothing would have brought them back.

you gave that person a chance, you are not responsible.

He's a vampire. He sussed out that you were vulnerable and guilty, and that you are the sort of person who will just absorb the negative actions of others... and he saw a perfect target. Abusers can do that. They can look at a roomful of people and spot the vulnerable one.

If you live in the north Bucks or south Beds area, come for a coffee with me.

It sounds like you met following a trauma when you were vulnerable and he’s taken advantage of that. It sounds a bit wanky but ultimately you need to be your own source of comfort, happiness and security, as when you put those things in someone else’s hands you’re less likely to have it and experience more let down. Learning to be alone and to be your own source of these things will change your life for the better. You’ll be able to weather challenges more easily and attract healthier partners. Books that might be beneficial for you if you can’t afford therapy include women who love too much, overcoming low self esteem and attached.

You tried. Do you know how many people wouldn't have bothered doing that, wouldn't have been capable of doing that?

Doctors, nurses, paramedics try and fail to save people daily, and they're trained professionals.

He was dead before you even walked through the door, you tried to bring him back but he was too long gone. That's not your fault, how could it possibly be?

Change the locks.
He can get to fuck.
You are 36. You have years ahead don't waste them on this tosser. I have plenty of friends who met someone when older than you are.

Do not go and see his mother, who will no doubt ask you to forgive her useless excuse of a son so she doesn't have to house him.

Pack his things up. Put them outside in bin bags. Tell him to collect them.

Change your locks.

Block him on everything.

See if you can get counselling so you never, ever let yourself be treated like crap by a man going forward again.

I'm thinking about your awfully bad headache. Remember to try and keep sipping water and keep yourself hydrated. Even though you might not feel like eating, try to have at least some tea and toast at all the normal meal times. These little bits of self care will help get rid of that headache. Then you will feel a bit stronger.

Be careful of going to his mother's. She knows what he's like and could possibly say anything to get you to take him on as your responsibility again. She doesn't want him drunk and abusive in her house.

I might call her though. She might be afraid of him and needs help. But that help shouldn't involve taking the vile creature back into your house instead.

Much better to pack up his things, change the locks and look forward to a new life. You'll find it easier to make new friends when you don't have a violent drunk as part of your life. Keep posting here. There are plenty of people to chat over the weekend.

Well, not literally. But maybe he should!

Try not to be so hard on yourself, OP. I was in much worse relationships than yours for many years. I was in my 50s by the time I discovered what a loving, mutually respectful relationship looked like - bit of an eye-opener!!!

Draw a line under it and move on. You can do this!

Get rid, you deserve better and cut contact with his mother as well

Wow. 45 minute CPR. You are made of strong stuff. There was nothing that you did that was wrong there. Do not beat yourself up about that.

If he has a key , get the locks changed. Get rid.

Get him out. He has absolutely zero respect for you. You are worth more that this.

Exactly what I came here to say. I’m an ex-EMT, the reality is that most people don’t “come back”…medical shows paint an unrealistic picture! But OP tried, which is amazing and selfless.
OP, I think you may have a form of PTSD, please talk openly and honestly to your GP as I think you need a hand with this, and getting this sorted may help your confidence in other areas. Sending you so much love and strength. xx

He sounds like your teenage son not a partner. He's not behaving in any way shape or form like a partner. Go visit his mum. Take ALL his stuff with you and leave it there. Every single thing. Call a locksmiths and have the barrel changed on your front door.

You have to kiss some frogs to find the Prince. You don't settle for the frog because its hard to spot the Prince in amongst all the toads and frogs.

Write a list of traits and behaviours you want in an ideal life partner. Eg kind, good with money, good communication etc type traits

Then type a list of traits that are unacceptable eg abusive, spitting at you, swearing at you, name calling etc. Then tick him of mentally on your list. Bet there's way more negative than positive.

Keep the list and get rid early on when they display the unacceptable traits.

How do you think it was 'your watch'?

You aren't (I assume ) a nurse, dr or a trained medic.

You went to help a neighbour.

Being on a 'watch' is if it's your professional role.
It wasn't.

Are you staying with your boyfriend as some kind of way of punishing yourself for that experience? A way of trying to redeem yourself for what you see as a failure? Because the man who died was a friend of your boyfriend?

If so, you need to talk this through with a professional.

It's muddled thinking and you've got some work to do on your emotions and mental health.

Stuckhurtdone You are already in a failed RL ! Spitting and general abuse is absolutly unacceptable .You are better off alone anyway.Honestly you are a young woman with her whole life in front of her,dont throw it away on this loser another minute

Get in touch with Victim Support. The staff there are trained to deal with your matters. I will give you good advice. X

*and not I