Broken beyond belief

[StuckHurtDone]

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

He is notoriously bad at communicating, he buries his head in the sand. And mostly if he doesn’t want to talk about it we don’t.

He is self employed- I pay all
bills. His money is then used as ‘play money’. However he very rarely contributes anything. His money is spent on his fuel and him going to see friends (pub). If I ask for money he would give me some, but im not the type to do this. I expect a team effort. I never buy anything for myself.

the last month or so, his mum was taken to hospital , and came home the other say (she has a catalogue of health issues). Him and his 2 brothers aren’t exactly helpful with her. (Father died a while back).

he hasn’t worked since his mum went to hospital, nor has he visited her much (not enough to justify not working). He was meant to be decorating the spare room in her house while she was in hospital. Instead he used her house as a doss house for him and his friends to get drunk in - whilst leaving me at home wondering if he’s ever coming home. Lots of rows about how he’s not even considering my feelings- he’s sorry won’t happen again. things ok for a few days, then happens again.

now his mum is home- he is now the ‘concerned son’. Mum needs me etc- without actually doing anything for her.

last weekend Saturday, he was at work and said he will be home soon (this was 4ish) and we would then go get food (from a place we wanted to try). He turned up at 9.30. I was peeved. He was drunk. I didn’t talk to him (I know not to argue when he’s had a drink as don’t achieve anything). Still had a row, because I’m a miserable cow- he tried to leave- so I took his car keys off him. He was drunk and would have killed someone. He then spat at me twice. He stormed out, whilst I’m crying and I assume went to pub. He came home at 1am. I pretended to be asleep. He got up Sunday and went to work. Didn’t hear from him. He came home Sunday hardly spoke. Went to work monday didn’t speak. Came home we had a chat- kind of thought we were making progress.

tuesday, he’s at work- calls me says he won’t be late back and he will get food from the place we wanted to try. 6.30- I’ll be an hour. 9.30 home and leaves the take out bag in front of me- apparently I’m a miserable cow and ungrateful. He left and went to his mums- she doesn’t need him turning up drunk!
he hasn’t been home since.

im in the wrong. He’s stressed - (from my point of view I’d be stressed if my mum was as poorly as her but he’s not exactly the doting son) I’m pushing him to do stuff - the only thing I’ve asked for is for him to be home at a reasonable time and spend time with me. But that’s wrong.

I haven’t slept for days. I’ve got the worst headache and I’m numb. I haven’t done anything wrong- or have I?

sorry wrong thread

I could never afford counselling.

A lot of counselling practices offer reduced rates for clients if they work with counsellors who are still training (with supervision.)

You can also access a lot of self-help online for free - start googling 'How to take control of my life, get out of an abusive cycle, build my self-worth' etc.

Come on- you can do this.

Let's see if by 10am you can get those dishes in the sink, get them washed, tidy up, brush your hair, make yourself look (and feel) good- best foot forward.

It's a fresh start- you can do this.

i havnt done anything wrong have i
having sucker tattooed on your forehead wasn’t a good idea 😥

If your family use social media to arrange social things I can see why you get left out. I have a friend who won't even use WhatsApp, and arranging stuff with her in a group is a PITA. Everyone else can be on a WhatsApp group chat and I have to go to and fro with emails or text messages with her.

Even DH is on Messenger (but not Facebook).

None of you know me. But every single one of you has offered kindness and compassion. For that I will be eternally grateful.

I will try to take all of this advice and put it into action. I need to take better care of myself but here I am wallowing

Op it's not the same as counselling but you could access peer support through a couple of routes

Freedom programme - helps you to recognise and address how you end up in abusive relationships
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Al Anon, for people affected by someone else's drinking
https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Your failed relationship has feck all to do with you though!

I am exactly the same as this. I have friends but I'm easily forgotten and am never the centre of the group. I recently split up with my long term partner. It's hard, it's really horribly hard and some days I think it would be easier to be back together and unhappy but not lonely, but I just keep telling myself that I am a great person with a lot to offer and deserve better - and it will get better.

Don't undersell yourself. You are worth more and you can do this.

I voted YABU because you seem prepared to put up with this shit. You don’t want another failed relationship? You’re in one. No moving past being spat at, he has utter contempt for you. Thank God you haven’t yet fallen pregnant to this loser, come to your senses and boot him out home to his Mummy.

fully expecting lots of LTB here, but I just want an outsiders view.

Well I've not even read the thread yet, but I am fully expecting 11 solid pages of LTB, yes. Weren't you?

I'm not sure what sort of 'outsiders view' you were expecting that might differ from LTB, really.

He's a disgusting, lazy, drunken, good for nothing, misogynistic leech and a cocklodger who has zero respect for you. That's my outsider view and I imagine it's everybody else's too.

So what are you going to do about it?

I am genuinely clueless as to why I struggle to make friends. I get along with people, but not enough to make it a friendship? I could walk into a social setting and talk to anyone, and I would always receive comments of oh she’s so nice etc
but nothing comes of it.

But are you reaching out to them?
Do you ever follow up these meetings and suggest a walk, a coffee, a trip to the cinema?

What do you enjoy doing?

There are loads of groups around- walking groups, dancing classes, keep fit, yoga, drama, choirs, etc, even volunteering (at weekends or in the evenings.)

Have a look on Facebook for what's on in your area.

This man will drain the life out of you. You must convince yourself somehow that he is not worth giving house room to. And you have to find the strength to tell him it's over and to take the rest of his stuff and get out. And stop paying his bloody phone contract!!!

I could never afford counselling.

In that case, can I recommend The Freedom Programme? It's free and you can do it online: https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/. Something in your past OP, perhaps your own father's abandonment of you when you challenged his shitty behaviour, has made you accept such poor treatment by your current partner. For you to heal and have a better life in future, it's worth digging into why you've accepted this disgusting treatment so you can prevent it happening again in future.

All of it was awful before, but when he SPAT at you, that should have been the final mail in the coffin. You can’t come back from this.

Please please please change the locks today. Call up a locksmith and tell them that you are ending an abusive relationship and need the locks changed for your safety. It’s a bank holiday weekend but there will be locksmiths on call.

Do not let him take everything in the house. He hasn’t contributed anything to rent/bills etc so even if he claims he paid for the TV, well tough luck, you paid for everything else to run the house. Bag up his clothes/toiletries/personal belongings and tell him they will be outside the front door on a certain day/time for him to collect, but that he will not step foot inside the house.

Thank the Lord that you are not married, don’t share children, he is not on the lease. What a relief, so many people are not this lucky and it gives you a chance at quicker split and you can block him and forget he existed.

I know it’s daunting when you don’t have a support network of close family and friends nearby. I totally understand that you feel scared and alone. But surely being alone and peaceful is better that the suffering this twat is putting you through. Once he is out of your life and the dust has settled you can make finding some new local friends your priority, take up some new hobbies etc. And Mumsnet is here to hold your hand while you do it. Keep posting and taalking to us xxx

Boot him

He brings nothing but misery to your life and he only cares about himself

And he SPAT at you. Twice!

You will be happier on your own.

I’m afraid you’ll NEVER find any sort in of happiness with him. You need to throw him out. He’s gas lighting you and messing with your head.

it’ll be hard initially but in the long term the only way to happiness.

once you are a bit stronger you can move areas, nearer to family? Join a club to make friends. Find something you like to do, a hobby, a sport. Small steps

Your post about not wanting a failed relationship says a lot. You are worth so much more than this. He spat at you. That alone would be the thing on its own to end it.

If a random in public did that to you they would be arrested.

You have to get away from this animal. He's sucking the life out of you. You're NOT worthless. He is worthless in this relationship.

He's moving to mums in the unspoken hope she'll die soon. From neglect if he's looking after her. You don't have a relationship worth saving, you've got a pig, not a man. Free yourself. Take all the advice on here or your future will be more of the same and worse.

sounds desperate and beggy but all I really want is for a cuddle and to tell me it’ll be ok. For my feelings to be considered and to be important

Sorry, I may have missed this....what is your job? Are there any opportunities for socialising there?

Don't rule out phoning the Samaritans. It can help.

OP, sadly you don't have a relationship now. He is giving you nothing, either emotionally or financially. The relationship has already failed.

This man spits at you, lives off your money, doesn't come home. This is not a man to build a relationship with.

You are in a good position if you rent and tenancy agreement is in your name. Contact your Letting Agent or Landlord and ask if you can change the locks for security due to him moving out. You will need to give the Landlord a copy of the key.

Find the strength to do this ASAP so that he can't come in and take anything that belongs to you. Pack up what is his, and advise him to collect it.

It's probably already been said as I haven't read the full thread, only your responses OP, but being "passive" is the route to being disrespected and ignored/ forgotten. I guess you have low self esteem stemming from childhood and therefore don't set boundaries in relationships. If you can't afford therapy, some online research on these things could help.

Your partner knows he can ignore what you want but still keep you. Its also likely he is an alcoholic or on route to becoming one, so alcohol is more important to him by far than you are.

As for friends - very few people are so inherently charismatic that people flock to be their friends. The rest of us have to put in the work. Key is believing (or kidding) yourself that you ARE inherently worthy and interesting. Act like you believe this and things will change. I know it's not easy - I have oscillated between thinking nobody would want to know me and feeling deserving and confident. But I know myself well enough to talk myself out of the negativity.

I do have quite a lot of friends because once I make one, I generally make the effort to keep them, so many are very longstanding. And quite a few made the first move with me. I've had to force myself to become less fearful of rejection and simply ask people if they'd like to do x. They don't usually say no!

But to do that you need to get out there and do activities that will put you in contact with people. Find someone you like and start by showing an interest in their life. Remember what they tell you and follow up the next time you see them. Friendships don't happen over night, so you need to persevere.

Work can be a good place to find friends as you get to see them regularly (assuming you have a workplace). Many of my friends are ex colleagues.

But definitely LTB.

@StuckHurtDone This is a new month, a new season with the clocks springing forward and for you a fresh start and new way of living your life. Even at 36, 46 and 56 there is scope to do things in a different way. Your feelings are really important. Now is the time to start prioritising them. Make a short list of easy things that might make you feel a tiny bit better. Like picking some flowers from the outdoors and putting them in a vase in your room. You can do this.

BTW you'll find it a lot easier to find and keep friends when you aren't dragging the lunk along with you. Nobody but another useless drunk wants that company inflicted on them. Lose him. Fast.