Going to have a breakdown, so lost and cannot cope

[Redgreenpinkviolet]

I am 32, very nearly 33. The only one of my friends who is single. I make 25k in the public sector.
I have £500 in savings. I know that's more than some people have, but it's hardly anything.
I can't get a mortgage because I have a default on my credit file. It's only £85 and it's paid, it's totally my fault.
It's not that I won't get a mortgage at all, but I'll need a higher deposit and probably a higher rate, even though I'm only going for properties around the 75k mark.
My 4 year relationship ended several months ago as he couldn't give me any sort of idea about commitment.
I don't have a driving licence.
I have to work with a bloke who rejected me.
My parents are very supportive, and I have some friends at least.
I made a profile on Hinge and it's just absolute dross. I've never liked online dating, I ended up deleting it after less than a day after some guy was pressuring me to give him my Instagram.
I live in a tiny studio.
I just feel like such an embarrassment, I am applying for promotions but I just had my probation extended by several months, simply because I was transferred to another department, not because of performance or anything.
I can make up almost 30k by doing constant overtime.
I feel like a mess. Almost 33 and single, no idea if I'll ever marry or have a child. Dating is so hard, you have to play it incredibly cool or men run a mile at the slightest bit of interest.
I hate life. I can't afford therapy, I take setraline but it didn't seem to help.

Ah that's rough OP. You're at a tough age where some people are 'set up' with the house, family etc, and others like yourself feel like nothing is working out like it should.

I'm not going to patronize you by saying 'chin up, things will get better' etc. I don't know if they will or not. Nobody does. What I do know is that regular exercise and getting your BP up will help. Endorphins are massive. So ensure you're getting at least some exercise a few times a week. And maintain those friendships. True friends are invaluable. Best of luck.

I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling. It sounds overwhelming so sending support!
I know this sounds trite but you are still so young and have so much to look forward to. I'm glad you are not lowering your standards in looking for a partner - I know zero about OLD but perhaps sites other than Hinge might help you find someone with more in common and shared interests.
Do you have any hobbies or things that stimulate you beyond work? Anything to help you build networks and to help you see your own good qualities and how great you are as a person?
Have you considered counselling to help you? So much of your post could have been written by my DS and he's found counselling to be a lifeline, alongside sertraline.
Forgive me for being blunt, but if having a child is more important to you than having a relationship then there are other ways you can do that (I am thinking of adoption rather than random sexual encounters!) But you do need to be in an OK place yourself and I feel like this means working on your self esteem and finding what makes you happy first and foremost.

Another one saying - hobbies might help. You’ll meet people etc.

Sorry to hear what your going through. I could relate to your post although my circumstances are different.
I have 2 children one very young, recent family break up, joint mortgage (house is up for sale) and I'm financially comfortable.
My point is that people in all situations can feel embarrassed of their current circumstances, so your not alone. We are similar ages too. Your still young and I think a blank canvas is sometimes good and exciting! You have options.

Talk to yourself kindly, try and get some fresh air everyday. Give yourself little treats no matter how small. Sometimes just take days hour by hour. Looking at a whole day can be overwhelming. There are alternatives to sertraline. Think about what you like to do and what makes you happy and basque in that where possible. Lean on friends and family, let them know how much you appreciate them. Feel free to PM xxxx

Could you move home for a year and start saving, spend some money on driving lessons.

Being able to drive might enable you to earn more? I didn’t pass my test until I was nearly 40 and it really opened the world up to me.

Do you have that kind of relationship with your parents that you could do that?

Forget dating and Concentrate on finding things outside of work that make you happy. You are in no state to find the right partner
until you are truly contented in yourself - you will just attract wronguns by projecting and be more unhappy as a result

Who have you spoken to about the mortgage - mortgage broker? London and country are good, and free. I'd advise a chat to see if there's anything they can do for such a small default.

I think getting married and having a kid is the best thing you could ever do for yourself. Gets you out of your funk real fast. I’m so happy I could weep.

I get on very well with my parents but they just live too far from my job and don't have the space.

I do have hobbies etc. and I'm always busy, I just seem to have no luck with men..OLD is so depressing. Someone I actually liked recently rejected me, ex didn't want to marry me.

I actually like being single, it's just my age, if I were 25 I wouldn't even bother. I feel like the pool will be very narrow now and it'll be hard to find someone. :(

Try looking at it from a different angle - you're in the prime of life, you're an age where men are more likely to be looking for a long-term relationship and not just a shag, you've not settled for a relationship with no long term future just for the sake of not being single, (unlike a scarily large number of mumsnetters you've not shacked up with and had kids with someone that you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy). you've got a job, you've got family who care, you've got friends, you will be able to get on the property ladder and with a bigger deposit you won't have as big a mortgage, interest rates will go down, you could learn to drive at some point if you decided to, you're mature enough to work with someone and not let your past get in the way, you have boundaries, and you have a active & busy life. Sounds pretty good to me!

Most men don't treat me well sadly, maybe it's because I allow it but if they were decent, they wouldn't do it in the first place.
I don't go for strapping, chiseled rich men by any means, just someone I'm attracted to.
I just feel like most of the good ones are taken :(

@TheMostly

Tone-deaf, honestly.

I just don't even know where to start :(

I think you win a prize for the least helpful response I've ever read on a thread

Go back to your GP to discuss your medication/counselling. Talk to a mortgage broker to see if they can find you a good deal. Start writing your thoughts down (journalling) and let it all out on paper. Write down three things you appreciate about your life each day. You have recently come out of a four year relationship and are feeling down about everything. I really suggest you don't try to get into a new relationship until you are feeling more confident and in control of your life. Focus on doing nice things for yourself and working towards some goals whether that's saving £1,000, learning to drive or finding a social life with people who aren't all coupled up. Hope you manage to get out of this slump op.

Or to put it another way, you are only 32. You have a job and a home that you are paying for through your own hard work. You have 35 years of working life ahead of you to build a career that could bring you huge satisfaction and sense of achievement and result in higher earnings. You are free from a relationship that wasn't right for you, free to find one that is. It may take time, but honestly, you're at such an early stage of lifes journey you have so much of that ahead of you. Try to focus on what you have achieved, because a you're a woman with enough internal resources to have a job, a home and independence whilst struggling with some mental health issues, you're doing a great job. Be kind to yourself, have patience. Prioritise your wellbeing, and when you feel stronger you can regroup and start to formulate some plans for all the life you have ahead of you.

I think the happily married weeping poster was being heavily ironic.

Try and set small manageable short term targets. Ie join a new hobby club this month, join a gym next month, go for a walk every evening etc You will make new friends and opportunities. At the end of the day, we create our own happiness. Don't let yourself or others bring you down.

Something you might like to try is positive affirmations. There are loads of YouTube videos with affirmations and they might give you a boost.

I was in a very similar position to you at your age. Fast forward several years and I have a good wage, a house , partner and child. There's a different set of problems now and I couldn't have anticipated it before. This is why learning to cope with the here and now is so important.

My advice is to carry on taking your medication, keep friends close, and focus on small joys. Want to save for a house? Great, what steps can you take to improve your career prospects without killing yourself with overtime? This could be anything from training, changing departments or even making a sideways move within your current department.
Don't forget to put money aside for small breaks. Even just a spa weekend or a local Airbnb to break up the monotony and help you refresh yourself.

For savings, do you have an ISA? Might be worth putting that £500 into an ISA as the start of your house fund. Small steps all add up.
Good luck x

This is a psychotic response to the OP!

Whereabouts do you live? I'm guessing if houses cost 75k it's somewhere quite far from any major cities. It sounds to me like some of what you're feeling is about the people and situations you're surrounded with, and concerns about external perceptions. In your town, it sounds like many/most people of your age marry and have kids fairly young, or meet their partner in school and stay together, and life is quite traditional? I can totally understand why feeling like the 'odd one out' would get to you.

That's not to invalidate the fact that you feel dissatisfied in yourself, of course – I had years of meeting crappy men so I know how it feels. I do think, though, that having more friends in a similar position might help. Would you consider moving to a bigger place, maybe your nearest city? Single women in their 30s, 40s and even older are so commonplace here in London that you can find likeminded people whatever your age and circumstances. I'm not suggesting you move to London, but are there any bigger places that you could transfer to with your job? Public sector roles might pay better in a city, too. You might have to share a flat or house, but again, this can be a way to make friends, and people house-sharing in their 30s is very normal in cities. I do understand though that moving might seem like too much of a financial commitment when you want to save.

I agree with PP about therapy, too. When I look back at how I kept dating wrong'uns who treated me badly, I can say with hindsight that I did allow and even invite it to an extent – that's not to absolve them of any responsibility, they were largely arseholes – but because I had low self-esteem and ingrained negative beliefs about myself and relationships, and unresolved past trauma, I had a skewed approach to relationships and was also drawn to people like me with poor mental health. Therapy really did sort me out, but it is a commitment and in-depth psychotherapy is scarcely available on the NHS so again, I totally understand that the cost may be prohibitive.

You really don't sound like you're doing as badly as you think, though. I know that's easy to say as an outsider but the fact you've identified the things you're not happy with (your savings, your salary, your dating life) means you've already taken the first step to addressing them. The number one thing you have to do, though, is back yourself and believe that you deserve nice things and can achieve them. Sorry if that sounds trite, I know how much harder things are under a fog of misery and depression as I've been there, but from a stranger on the internet, you sound like you have your head screwed on and you can make your life into what you want it to be, you just need a little boost. Do talk to your GP about therapy and NHS options if private isn't doable for you.

i think you need to flip the script.

I am only 32, very nearly 33. TI make 25k in the public sector and have a great pension there.
I have £500 in savings but i'm building on that.
I going to see the CAB, as currently I can't get a mortgage because I have a default on my credit file. It's only £85 and it's paid! I am sure I must be able to get a mortgage :)

I am brave and strong, my 4 year relationship ended several months ago as he couldn't give me any sort of idea about commitment and I know that would have made me unhappy to stay. So I am moving onwards.

I don't have a driving licence - yet.

My parents are very supportive, and I have friends.

I made a profile on Hinge and it's just absolute dross. I've never liked online dating, I ended up deleting it and may revisit in the next month or two but for now I'm focusing on me :)

I live in a tiny studio, it's easy and quick to clean!

I am applying for promotions and I think I might find a good recruiter to get a bit of advice as I'd like more money. I've had my probation extended by several months, simply because I was transferred to another department, not because of performance or anything.

I can make up almost 30k by doing constant overtime but I'm going to see if I can find a role with a 30K base.

I'm 33 and single, no idea if I'll ever marry or have a child but really open to the idea. Dating is getting on my nerves with the games people play, so I am not goign to play them.

I hate life sometimes. But excersise/fresh air and walks help. i might do some more of that - my local facebook pages might point me in the direction of groupls that meet to do that?

I have hopefully another 70 years ahead of me. I'm a work in progress and I'm free, financially solvent and have a job! I'm capable of standing on my own two feet and living independently, even if sometimes life is fucking annoying, I'm doing alright.

OP you have a job, you can do overtime to get more money, you can support yourself and you live in an area of the country where you can buy for £75k. You also have some friends. You have a lot going in your favour. Lots of people are not in a relationship in 30's. Hang in there.