Going to have a breakdown, so lost and cannot cope

[Redgreenpinkviolet]

I am 32, very nearly 33. The only one of my friends who is single. I make 25k in the public sector.
I have £500 in savings. I know that's more than some people have, but it's hardly anything.
I can't get a mortgage because I have a default on my credit file. It's only £85 and it's paid, it's totally my fault.
It's not that I won't get a mortgage at all, but I'll need a higher deposit and probably a higher rate, even though I'm only going for properties around the 75k mark.
My 4 year relationship ended several months ago as he couldn't give me any sort of idea about commitment.
I don't have a driving licence.
I have to work with a bloke who rejected me.
My parents are very supportive, and I have some friends at least.
I made a profile on Hinge and it's just absolute dross. I've never liked online dating, I ended up deleting it after less than a day after some guy was pressuring me to give him my Instagram.
I live in a tiny studio.
I just feel like such an embarrassment, I am applying for promotions but I just had my probation extended by several months, simply because I was transferred to another department, not because of performance or anything.
I can make up almost 30k by doing constant overtime.
I feel like a mess. Almost 33 and single, no idea if I'll ever marry or have a child. Dating is so hard, you have to play it incredibly cool or men run a mile at the slightest bit of interest.
I hate life. I can't afford therapy, I take setraline but it didn't seem to help.

I would see a good family and having friends and any job as one of the biggest things anybody can have in life op. I’m an author and I know people who only started writing in their 60s, I know people who found the love of their life in their 40s, or retrained in their 40s but I know it’s easy for people to say. I think it’s important you get to a place where you’re just happy as you, where it’s not about goals or these life placemarkers people have. huge hugs op

I was just like you at your age. For me it was a dead end job, a crappy little apartment, absolutely zero extra $. In a relationship that I had outgrown. I don't want it to sound like my whole life is because of my husband, but I met him, we got engaged after 10 weeks, married after 11 months. We have five, mostly grown sons. I'm in a well paid, somewhat satisfying job and we are still very happy. Not deliriously happy but old person, married 26 years happy. Something will give for you. Try to put a positive spin on things - you are still in an apartment but that means repairs and garden maintenance is not your problem. You have a job where you can work OT to try to put away for a house deposit. Best of luck!

Gratitude list. Sounds wanky but spelling out your luck and privileges can really snap you out of dwelling on what you haven’t got.

Read stuff about women enjoying living alone, get inspired, work on what you can work on, decide you don’t want a man and Sod’s Law dictates that one will then come along and ruin your lovely decorated apartment with his ugly man things 😉

@mjf981 Great advice

You sound like you need a bit of luck and it’s just not coming quick enough.
When I’ve had moments like this in life (I truly have) I’ve tried to hold onto the fact that life can change quickly. I have experienced where you are and found that one change was the catalyst for many. Can you change jobs to somewhere with a good social scene so you can meet new people, through those new people potentially a new partner. One change can be the catalyst to everything. But I get it, it’s not as easy as that.
i wish you all the best and hope that snag of good luck comes your way sharpish. Hang in there.

Aww, bless you OP. Don't be so hard on yourself.
To me, money and relationship status really don't make any difference whatsoever.
Are you a good, decent person? Are you kind? What are your hobbies and interests? What makes you YOU?!

You just need to find yourself a little more and get in touch with yourself. Christ, you're in your early 30s, not your 70s! (It's baffling that we're conditioned into believing life ends in our 30s!)

There's nothing wrong with you! Just be kind to yourself and make some goals for yourself. What is important to YOU? (Not, what do you THINK SHOULD be important to you!)

OP - I would have liked to be in your position at 33. At that age I didn't know if I would be able to hold down a permanent job again.

Look on the positive side you have
A job and can start looking for a better one
Family members who are supportive
Friends
Your own place - yes it's tiny but you will get a mortgage eventually

Do all you can to make things better for yourself and try and get out and enjoy yourself. It sounds like the breakup has really got you down about life. Good luck

You are actually doing ok, it may not feel like it, but you are. You have a good family behind you, which is fab. Stop stressing. The default will be gone at some point (I don’t know how recent it was). Spend the time between now & then bigging up your credit score & doubling down on saving a deposit. Don’t stress about a partner - it will happen, but for now focus on you & your goals. Get you sorted & the rest will follow.

If you are really struggling, you can call the Samaritans helpline on 116123. Sometimes the advice is really good but it can depend on the operator

This. Find inner peace first.

What do you like doing?

Are you on drugs? Pissed?

I had a plan that I would have a child on my own if I didn't meet someone. That took the pressure off

Maybe not. If you have a good husband and a beautiful family it is the most incredible thing in the world.

The fact that the previous poster has liked my above comment probably means she was being serious.

I do feel sorry for women who have had, or are in bad marriages. A good marriage is where you both work together as a team and both honour the fact you are creating something profoundly sacred together - a healthy family. If you are in one of these with a truly wonderful man then it gives you strength and joy every day.

Analogy would be like playing for a sports team where you love the sport, love the team and play really well together, and succeed.

Such a bizarre comment

But the OP is struggling to find a good partner, so how do such comments help?

Well firstly this is a discussion board, and I am engaging in a discussion with previous posters.

Secondly, maybe it does help to have something to aim for, to have hope, to have a goal? to have some advice?

I don't think there is enough positive comments about marriage anymore, it is more often described as chains or as a waste of time, or as doomed to fail. Look at the previous posts! So I think a few voices saying, no actually a good marriage can be an absolutely amazing thing is a valid viewpoint.

Not for everyone. You can only speak for yourself. I do not want a husband, even a good one.

And I thought I was tactless.

This is what I was going to say; a hobby where there are men! Climbing walls, cycling, running clubs. This is what I’d do in your position. But I think the poster who said flip your view is helpful. A man won’t make you happy alone. And once you have kids, don’t be fooled by this fake online world…life is hard for everyone! So developing coping mechs will be useful to you now. Counselling, exercise, positive affirmation. Look in mirror each day and say, I’m beautiful, I’m a good person and today I’m going to make a difference! Even a smile at a stranger. Emit the energy you’d like to find in a partner. You never know what might happen…

Finding love isn’t a goal!! You can do things that increase your chances of finding someone you feel you can be with but it’s luck, not effort. A far better goal is doing what matters to you in life, living to your values and focusing on wellbeing so if love comes along you are open to it. This pressure to achieve this sickly and unrealistic description of raising a family is what leads people to get together with and stay with the wrong people. Your life may be this sweet but reality isn’t.

Not read many PP but look if you really want to find someone to marry have you considered radical change? eg -immigrate to Australia to an mining area where there are a lot of men - I knew a nurse who went there from UK and got married within a year. She was in 30s.

To add - she went to Kalgoorlie. (''near '' Perth).

I think you need to break things down and focus on how you can make different parts of your life better. The whole thing is overwhelming you. I know you won't think like this, but you are very young. I too was single at your age having just ended a 4 year relationship. I was depressed for a while - we'd just bought a house which ended up in negative equity and I had to borrow money from my dad to buy my own flat but by 35 I had met someone and was married. 11 years later we have 2 DC and my life has all sorts of other worries but 'good' ones I guess.

Thank you everyone, I'm feeling a bit better today.
The default was recent however it's a strange one because I've settled the balance on the app (it was Klarna) so now it says I owe nothing.
My account was sent to debt collection over a month ago, however I've phoned the debt agency several times and they say they have no record of me. They said sometimes it takes a while to come through but as I say it's been over a month.
So not sure if there's any way for me to get the default removed?