Going to have a breakdown, so lost and cannot cope

[Redgreenpinkviolet]

I am 32, very nearly 33. The only one of my friends who is single. I make 25k in the public sector.
I have £500 in savings. I know that's more than some people have, but it's hardly anything.
I can't get a mortgage because I have a default on my credit file. It's only £85 and it's paid, it's totally my fault.
It's not that I won't get a mortgage at all, but I'll need a higher deposit and probably a higher rate, even though I'm only going for properties around the 75k mark.
My 4 year relationship ended several months ago as he couldn't give me any sort of idea about commitment.
I don't have a driving licence.
I have to work with a bloke who rejected me.
My parents are very supportive, and I have some friends at least.
I made a profile on Hinge and it's just absolute dross. I've never liked online dating, I ended up deleting it after less than a day after some guy was pressuring me to give him my Instagram.
I live in a tiny studio.
I just feel like such an embarrassment, I am applying for promotions but I just had my probation extended by several months, simply because I was transferred to another department, not because of performance or anything.
I can make up almost 30k by doing constant overtime.
I feel like a mess. Almost 33 and single, no idea if I'll ever marry or have a child. Dating is so hard, you have to play it incredibly cool or men run a mile at the slightest bit of interest.
I hate life. I can't afford therapy, I take setraline but it didn't seem to help.

Would the idea of taking a live in job for a few years excite you?

You sound generally quite down. Do you like your job?

A 2 minute google has shown me jobs including hospitality/care with accommodation included. ("care" in terms of residential - the one I saw was children's residential) where you will have a team of colleagues rather than being alone caring for someone at home which wouldn't do your mental health any good). Is the job you do something that could ever come with accommodation - e.g. if you are admin perhaps that could translate to office/back end work for a hotel.

If your accommodation is free and you can work lots of hours you might be able to save 40-50k over 3 or 4 years and then go back to your area with a hefty deposit for a house. You would need to make lots of effort to keep in touch with your friends so you don't lose touch with them.

If you don't like the thought of moving away what can you do to progress your work and earn more staying in your area? Are there any qualifications you could study for? When you have finished your probation there might be secondments and other job opportunities that are a step along.

You need a sense of achievement that will spill over into other areas of your life. Something to make you start feeling good about yourself again.

Have you been to a mortgage broker? I had a default on my credit file from years ago and I just had to explain it to the bank. I just said some waffle about having moved and I had trouble setting up a new account with the energy provider. It was true but I did embellish a bit as I actually forgot for ages, then had the trouble then forgot to pay it for ages. My other half had a payday loan from years before which we panicked about. He just explained that he didn't realise how bad they were for his credit file as he was so young, he explained he was working and could have easily used an overdraft but hadn't realised it mayyered at the time.

Don't worry, once you hit your late 30s a lot of the good ones are getting divorced and the pool grows!

Ask yourself this question: do you really want a partner and kids, or do you just fear being left out/left behind by your peers? Staying single and childless might be a mistake, but having kids with the wrong man could ruin your life. My cousin is a lovely guy, but he got to his mid-30s and panicked. He’d been married to a fun party girl, but they broke up when he realised she’d make a terrible mum. So he got with what seemed like a ‘nice,’ stable, family girl, had a son, and then realised she was a narcissistic monster. It ruined his life. My aunt said “I’ve never been so taken in by someone in my life.”

Time and again the same pattern repeats itself. A woman reaches your age, panics, grabs the first half decent guy she can find, has kids, and then realises she’s made a terrible mistake. Then it’s tears, divorce, financial upheaval, and life as a single mum. Before you have a child, be 100% sure he’s the right man.

Ref the default, I called e credit monitoring companies (equifax etc) and one of them did remove mine for me! Like you, it was small and paid. Not sure if i was exceptionally unlucky or not, but worth a shot? There are also some better mortgages coming on the market - more European style - so definitely worth talking to a broker.

in 5 years I bet you look back and don’t recognise your former self in terms of how far you’ve come. That’s what happened to me. You can achieve so much in just a few years and you have loads of time.

Hahahahahaha - madness.

So many regrets, so little time.

Forget online dating. And forget insane amounts of overtime too. That won't help one bit.

Instead, get into running or cycling. Or both! Loads of men there. Can't manage rigorous exercise? Then look on Facebook/meetup for local walking/hiking groups.

As for the rest of it, well, you're 32. A hell of a lot can happen in a few years. It is perfectly possible that you meet a nice man next year, move in together, be able to buy together and even have a baby or two. It really is possible.

First you've got to be a bit more positive. It's hard. Fake it till you make it. Do stuff a positive person would do.

This helped me a lot, a few years ago.
https://www.thecut.com/2016/04/ask-polly-why-should-i-keep-going.html

Does your bit of Public Sector have an employee assist bit? HR would know. You may be able to access counselling/CBT and also financial advice too.

Just be glad you can actually buy your own place for 75k.

I'm single, earn the same as you, and 2 bedroom apartments where I live are 200,000. A 2 bedroom terraced house 300,000. There's no chance for me.

OP I know it's really really difficult, when you feel down and everything seems to be going against you. Could a change of scenery help, if you're in the public sector and you're not enjoying where you work and live is there any way you could move/transfer somewhere else? To a different part of the country where perhaps things are a bit cheaper so your money goes further?
Going back to your GP might help, changing meds or adjusting your dose, talking therapy?
At 33 you are still very young, you got so much life ahead of you so please don't get down on yourself. At 33 my life was completely different than what it is now, I had just moved to this country, never been in a relationship etc. My life is far from perfect but has changed massively (for the better) is these past 7 years, I wouldn't recognise myself today as my 33 year old self, so please please don't let your age be a factor/pressure on yourself!!

Just think OP the fact that you're recognising you want more from life is great, soooo many people have nothing and don't even bother trying to have more, they wouldn't even think to write a post like this.
Also remember a lot of people commenting on this will also have the same/less than you.
It sounds like you're a really decent person, and you've got high standards which really isn't a bad thing. Just keep taking it one step at a time and you'll get there OP, you're so young! X

Thank you so much. I'll try and get the default removed, I'll have to keep doing overtime just to hit the 30k mark until I can find a job which pays that without overtime.
I'm going to a large meetup group on Sunday, maybe there will be someone there. OLD is just very depressing, even though it seems to have worked for so many people.

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. 32 is no age really, you still have time to save for your own place and yes maybe it will take a few years. Can you try and focus on the positive aspects of your life? That's good and important you have a supportive family and good friends. Can you share your feelings with someone you are close to? Problem shared and all that. How about using the long weekend to sit down and make some sort of plan to focus on the areas you would like to make change, even the tiniest of changes might lift your mods somewhat, baby steps. Like others have said, exercise and fresh air are so important and I find that's where some of my best ideas come from. It's good that the days are getting longer and brighter. One of the most important pieces of advice I had was figure out what you like to do and what makes you happy and plan your weeks so that you have time to do those things more often. Are you part of a gym? I find turning up to the same classes the same days give me a sense of routine and it's more than often the same folk, so now we have a yap and laugh and couple nice guy there too! I'll be honest I couldn't hack the apps just not for me. I would rather be single and happy on my own than lowering my standards just so say I'm in a relationship. Enjoy being single whilst you are, you can do what you want and when you want and perhaps when you shift the way you look at it, you'll meet someone along the way.

Even though I'm older than you and in a very different situation, I totally understand that hopeless trapped feeling. All I can say is to keep doing the best you can and keep plodding on. There's still a lot of beauty in life even when it's at its darkest.

lol maybe you are trying to suggest that people shouldn’t look to marriage and children as a solution to fix themselves? But should learn to be happy with themselves first.

Although I understand OPs dilemma, dating does get harder as you get older and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have a partner and start a family.

I'm 34 and earn £24k, a lone parent and single for 15 years and live in a council flat.

I think life is bloody great personally. Being single is not a negative thing. I appreciate you might want to meet someone but I wish people would stop seeing marriage and kids as the only way to having a successful life. Couldn't think of anything worse than getting married.

I didn’t meet my DH until I was older than you. Had DC at 39. Only really started earning properly mid 30s. Rented until I was late 30s. Did the whole marriage, kids and buying a house within a couple of years.

But also look back and remember the energy I had and wish I’d enjoyed having time and freedom more.

That might not be useful to hear. I remember feeling the same as you and it’s hard. Good luck.

Just a small note of optimism. You may have a lot more time than you think. Billions are now being poured into ageing research, and the first generation of anti-ageing drugs may soon hit the market. It isn't sci fi nonsense. Serious people are doing serious work on this.

When does your default get expunged? Do all mortgage companies treat it the same way. Have you spoken to a financial advisor, could your parents co-sign?

also I take it you are renting along which is a big cost just now. Do you know someone who needs a roommate or be someone’s lodger for a year to try and save a chunk of money?

What is it that you want my lovely? Your post reads slightly like you feel like you're not measuring up by society's standards (although I think you are). What do YOU want? Once you've answered that, things might become a bit clearer. x

Glad you're going to a meet up group & hope you have fun 🙂

You sound like a strong independent woman who hasn't settled.
You have to remember there will also be a lot of women your age desperately seeking help from Women's Aid and the police trying to get out of a relationship. You don't tend to hear those woman's voices, or see that side of life on social media. They will envy you your freedom,.your calm and peaceful life.
Keep going, there are so many people you have yet to meet, paths to cross. Don't let fear of the unknown overwhelm you. Become your own best friend , take yourself out on little trips, start new interests. Concentrate on making your world and your perception of the world bigger. Pet's are invaluable, grow some plants, decorate, go down the spiritual path,.cook nice meals for yourself, read, dance to music, go to dance lessons, buy some nice art work. This chapter of your life can still be rewarding, stretch out as much as you can.

Thank you everyone I really appreciate it xx