‘Would you/have you ever dated a person of colour’ - why ask this?

[Selenaso]

I’m white. A few days ago I was standing waiting for a bus and a black guy also waiting struck up a conversation with me - friendly, a bit flirty, not that serious. We were chatting about various things, and then at a certain point he said ‘can I ask: would you date a black guy? Have you ever?’ He wasn’t asking me out as far as I could tell (my bus was about to come), it was more like he just wanted to know.

It reminded me though of a couple of times in the past when I have been on dates with people who happened to be of colour (one first date which went nowhere, one first date that turned into a four year relationship), in both cases they asked me the same thing. AIBU to think this is a strange question, and not really understand the motivation for asking it? My reply to the guy at the bus stop is that I would like to date a nice person, and that is my answer, basically. I don’t want to be naive about the fact that racism both overt and covert still exists in the UK, it obviously very much does, but I really would not expect the vast majority of people my age or younger (I’m late 30s), or honestly most people ten years older, to see an interracial relationship as an issue or really even think about it in those terms, unless they had some very specific issues like an overtly racist/BNP type family (if white) or maybe a fairly traditional recent immigrant family who were hoping their child would marry someone of the same cultural heritage/religion (if of colour).

However the fact that people of colour have repeatedly asked me this question on dates suggests they clearly feel it is a potential issue for at least some white people, and I don’t want to be clueless as I assume if they’re feeling that, it’s based on some experiences with white people that they’re having. Maybe the aim of the question is to try and suss out stealth racism, but surely a white person who is on a date with a person of colour, even if they do have covert racism or unconscious bias, is not going to admit to it so in that sense I don’t get what the question is intended to achieve? And I don’t understand the point of asking if you’ve been in a relationship with a person of colour before? If you say yes, is that somehow going to make this current completely different relationship better? Or is the aim to try and suss out if you’ve got some weird fetish and only date people of a particular race (like some white men are meant to have a weird fetishising thing about Asian women)?

I know I should have asked the person why they were asking the question, either in the bus stop conversation or more productively the person I had a long relationship with, but somehow at the time I didn’t think to do it, the conversation moved on and we had other things to talk about. It’s only looking back that I’m wondering why this question repeatedly gets asked. AIBU?

YABU - it’s obvious why someone would ask, and here’s why
YANBU - it’s a strange question

Replace "have you dated a black guy before" with "have you dated a blonde guy before"? Yes, its weird for a random bloke to ask you this, but I also feel that everyone has "a type", so I'd assume he asked the question in order to gauge his chances with you

Except that black guys and blond guys (you only include the 'e' if describing someone female, btw) are treated VERY differently by society, so it's really not as simple as exchanging one for the other!

Re the man at the bus stop, I’d assume he was going to chat you up or hassle you and asking the question was a way of making it harder for you to give him the brush off, by raising the suggestion that if you’re not interested it’s because you’re racist (-rather than just not interested in some random bloke at the bus stop).

The reason why a black person might ask this seems obvious, surely? - It's because they know that there are white people who would never consider dating a person of colour.
I feel like you also know this, OP, so I'm a bit confused by your question.
Their motive is that they've experienced racism and they know that there are a lot of racist people out there, and they are trying to dodge a bullet.
I can imagine it's not a comfortable question to be asked as a white person. But I can also imagine that the person asking it has felt a lot more discomfort at various points in their lives as a result of racism, unconscious bias, etc.

@2mummies1baby

If in Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland where the % white is 92% and % black is between 0.5 - 0.7% then it could be asked due to society and race being seen as a major issue.

If in London where the % white is 54% (white British even less 37%) and % black is 13.5% it could be a question much like, have you dated a catholic, short guy, red head before or any other characteristic because the population is so diverse and people of different backgrounds coupling up isn’t unusual.

Context matters.

I'm white, but I feel pretty confident in stating that racism still exists in London (where I live, incidentally). Do you honestly believe we've managed to eradicate racism here? Have you heard of the Met, by any chance?

Wherever you live, 50% of people are female- we haven't managed to eradicate misogyny, have we?!

@2mummies1baby

Of course not, but it is more normalised and accepted for people from different races to have relationships and marry. Whereas in other regions it isn’t as much.

But there will still be people who are racist or fetishise black people, so a black person asking the question in the OP still makes absolute sense.

Please don't answer this OP
So OTT

Not saying it doesn’t… but saying the underlying motive for the question can depend on context…. If it’s a very mixed area and black-white relationships normalised that is one thing.

If it happens to be rural Ireland where some may never have even met a black person before that is another.

Of course he was chatting you up!

You wouldn’t seriously go out with some randomer that hit on you at a bus station?

Isn't that how people met before dating apps?

Zombie alert 😉

I myself had my first dating encounter while a police car was out the front of my house had pulled a car over and I needed to go out, I went explained to the officer but then 3 weeks later I was in my local nightclub and suddenly bumped into each other. That was my first interracial dating

From a man you didn't really know my assumption would be he was flirting. Maybe testing the waters a bit too, but really it seems like a question a man asks to indicate he's interested.

Yeah this doesn't surprise me at all.

Anecdotally I have have not found that wanting to date within one's own race or culture is a particularly white thing. Some people prefer it because their ethnic identity is important to them, or sometimes it maps on to religion too.

I don't why the bloke at the bus stop would ask you this unless he was testing the water for asking you out the next time he saw you. What is very weird - and no one seems to have even mentioned this - is for the other two to have asked you, if you were already on a date with them. And, if you were in a relationship with one of them for 4 years, why didn't you ask him?

Interracial dating has become much more normalised in recent years and is no longer seen as the taboo it once was. It's increasingly visible in everyday life, especially in ads.

Weirdly, I wouldn’t have considered this question to have been about racism as much as attraction. Are you attracted to people of colour? People have ‘types’ - people with physical attributes that they find more or less attractive- and colour of skin can be one of them.
The alternatives to this theory make the question very strange, like he was overtly asking if you are a racist? I find this less likely.

I am a massive flirt (well I was when single) and also like random conversations with strangers in general so I don't think it's anything out of the ordinary. He was definitely flirting, can't see it any other way. He was inviting a response like "Wel I haven't YET but... (Smile)"