‘Would you/have you ever dated a person of colour’ - why ask this?

[Selenaso]

I’m white. A few days ago I was standing waiting for a bus and a black guy also waiting struck up a conversation with me - friendly, a bit flirty, not that serious. We were chatting about various things, and then at a certain point he said ‘can I ask: would you date a black guy? Have you ever?’ He wasn’t asking me out as far as I could tell (my bus was about to come), it was more like he just wanted to know.

It reminded me though of a couple of times in the past when I have been on dates with people who happened to be of colour (one first date which went nowhere, one first date that turned into a four year relationship), in both cases they asked me the same thing. AIBU to think this is a strange question, and not really understand the motivation for asking it? My reply to the guy at the bus stop is that I would like to date a nice person, and that is my answer, basically. I don’t want to be naive about the fact that racism both overt and covert still exists in the UK, it obviously very much does, but I really would not expect the vast majority of people my age or younger (I’m late 30s), or honestly most people ten years older, to see an interracial relationship as an issue or really even think about it in those terms, unless they had some very specific issues like an overtly racist/BNP type family (if white) or maybe a fairly traditional recent immigrant family who were hoping their child would marry someone of the same cultural heritage/religion (if of colour).

However the fact that people of colour have repeatedly asked me this question on dates suggests they clearly feel it is a potential issue for at least some white people, and I don’t want to be clueless as I assume if they’re feeling that, it’s based on some experiences with white people that they’re having. Maybe the aim of the question is to try and suss out stealth racism, but surely a white person who is on a date with a person of colour, even if they do have covert racism or unconscious bias, is not going to admit to it so in that sense I don’t get what the question is intended to achieve? And I don’t understand the point of asking if you’ve been in a relationship with a person of colour before? If you say yes, is that somehow going to make this current completely different relationship better? Or is the aim to try and suss out if you’ve got some weird fetish and only date people of a particular race (like some white men are meant to have a weird fetishising thing about Asian women)?

I know I should have asked the person why they were asking the question, either in the bus stop conversation or more productively the person I had a long relationship with, but somehow at the time I didn’t think to do it, the conversation moved on and we had other things to talk about. It’s only looking back that I’m wondering why this question repeatedly gets asked. AIBU?

YABU - it’s obvious why someone would ask, and here’s why
YANBU - it’s a strange question

I think this sounds confused too. I can only imagine that by "very actively anti-racist" they mean 'went on a BLM rally a couple of times' or 'argues a lot at our dinner parties'. I only know one truly very active anti racist person and they are not white.

I've been asked this question by a black person. What I understood from the conversation was that he was most definitely flirting and was testing the waters. Not thought about it until now and it happened years ago.
I very much got the impression he was interested and just seeing if I would before he asked me out. I'm guessing a lot of people refuse dates based on colour hence the need to check. (In my view). He was lovely though.

He was not making an important and well-considered point about racism in society. He was sussing you out so he could make a move.

I only know one truly very active anti racist person and they are not white.

Fair point - perhaps I’m being too generous in my assessment of a lot of people as arguably truly anti-racists are few on the ground here in the Uk.

But I’d add my point still definitely stands about the fact inter-racial dating does not equal being anti-racist or not racist or whatever. I’ve know too many ouvertly or covertly racist white people - usually women - who have done so to believe this. So I’d rather just see if a white partner /love interest was racist or not rather than asking him what I see as a bit of a pointless question.

My friends stepmom was dating a black man. She then expressed shock and disgust that her (white ) ex husband was dating a Black woman. She could get why a BM would date a WW but apparently the other way around was just madness 🤡

Yes, it's a revolting question. It was in my late twenties and he asked after I declined to sleep with him so I think he thought I must turn down everyone and be saving myself for marriage because why else would I have said no?

I think I said something along the lines of "what do you mean?" and he said "you know... pure." I repeated what do you mean and then pleaded ignorance until they were explicit and then said it was not something should ask and the answer was between me and my bedposts.

Sorry this is a load of nonsense.

You're projecting your own feelings about men who date outside their race on your theoretically actively anti-racist white friends.

Do these friends only hang out with white people, apart from you? Because that's how a lot of relationships begin and feelings blossom, through friendships, in the workplace, at parties, etc. So they would turn down a non-white friend they got along with really well, were physically attracted to, on the basis he needs to proudly date within his race?

A POC falling for a white person they spend time with does not mean they are not proud in their identity. And it's pretty mad that you would think that any white woman making this judgement is anti-racist. I'd avoid such women with a bargepole.

People stand up to toxic family members for so many reasons. Hard for me to believe that actively anti-racist women are choosing their actively racist, toxic family's over a POC guy they have feelings for and someone they might have a future with.

So, according to these women's logic, an abled-bodied woman can't parent a disabled child? A straight woman can't parent a gay child? Any group that experiences a certain privilege is unable to broaden their outlook and learn to be an actual ally to their own child, who may not experience the same privileges.

Schrödinger's actively anti-racist white woman.

This is really thorough and on point.

I'm mixed-race and have never asked this of boyfriends/dates, but I've often thought about it. What I mostly want to know, especially of white men, is "do I have to prepare myself for having to explain racism to you" - if they've previously dated another WOC it's likely that she'll have laid some of that groundwork. (The reason I never asked is because being a mix of many races, it ultimately didn't seem that relevant to my experience. And I preferred to see for myself over time.)

I might also add that the bus stop incident may be precisely because he knew he'd never see OP again. He'll certainly have experienced both rejection and fetishisation based on his race so it may have been preoccupying him, and you can ask random strangers random questions that would be weird in your everyday life. (Probably hitting on her as well though.)

You are massively overthinking random comments.

People say all kinds of things die all different reasons especially when striking up a conversation for the first time.

Maybe he wanted to go and tell his mates that he met a girl at a bus stop and and she was gagging for it because he was black or maybe he went home and told his mother that he met a lovely young lady at a bus stop. 🤷🏼‍♀️

People can date whoever they want. If someone wants to date white people only, that’s their choice and it isn’t a problem.

It's an inappropriate question to ask someone he just met at a bus stop, OP.

What @gannett and @financialcareerstuff said, from another mixed/black woman.

Also @JordanPeterson it's not that saying that you like the teachings of MLK is inherently racist it's just the way you phrased that comes across as patronising and is on a similar par to mansplaining.

People truly have no idea about the level of insidious racism and generational trauma that continues.

OP, you sound conscientious enough to care and I'm taking this thread in the spirit of you trying to understand.

However as with all threads on Mumsnet re racism, this will descend into chaos most likely

None of this is absolutely his business. He’s just some guy at a bus stop. It’s very rude of him to ask someone he doesn’t know this kind of question

JordanPeterson · Today 03:54
Just tell them Martin Luther King taught you not to judge people by the colour of their skin
**
& so you date people based on the content of their character Edited”

Sorry but I think that’s a dreadful, patronising response.

I don't understand racism and xenophobia. I mean we're all born as who and where we are as an accident of birth.

At present, I've only dated white men, but this isn't a conscious choice, it's down to who they are and personalities. If they're lovely or if they're a twat is more important to me.

I'm not colour blind though. That negates
heritage and culture, and experiences.

I also understand that I say this as a white, middle aged woman and won't always get things right, but I'm always willing to learn more by reading and research, as that's my responsibility to do so, not others responsibility to educate me.

I do see things in a black and white way, thinking black and white in facts and information rather than skin colour and this is because I'm neurodivergent. I also realise that I can't possibly understand what racism feels like to one who is discriminated against.

After all the above waffle, I think I'm saying that we're all human and differences should be celebrated as whoever we are, we all being something to the table.

I'm white, DH isn't. We've been married a long time, (40 years) so I might be wrong but I'm pretty sure this never came up in conversation when we started dating. Maybe times have changed.

I think he was hitting on you.

His question was quite rude and inappropriate for the setting.

Why would he might have it deemed necessary - if you are in a relationship with a black person you may face racism more frequently and/or the relationship may be more difficult for both of you (depending on how diverse your area is and how mixed the communities - you can find black community not happy with white gf or vice versa)… it would be reasonable to ask if that is something you can deal with or to assess your past experience.

There could be cultural differences as well, obviously more so if not born in Britain (you didn’t say if they were or not). Maybe they are asking if you are happy to date someone from a different background. In this case the skin colour is an obvious physical differentiator of background being different… likewise if you were at the bus stop with a white Polish person the indicator of different background would be accent and you could be similarly questioned.

By the by I’m from a different cultural and religious background than DH though same skin colour.

Similarly questioned each other in the beginning and had that with other relationships where background, religion, race different… I think it’s just finding out more and also gauging how much you need to explain.

Why? Judging someone by the content of their character rather than the colour of their skin is a good thing surely? Why is it “dreadful”if it’s in response to a question and a discussion about race that she didn’t initiate?”

To be perfectly honest, @CaterhamReconstituted , I can’t put my finger on why. Just gut reaction.

Thinking about it, I guess quoting MLK in an ordinary conversation at a bus stop could feel a bit patronising to a black person. Would be like immediately talking about rap in a conversation about music. But the sentiment behind it is right.

In all three situations I would think they were trying to establish if there was a likelihood of the relationship going anywhere. Bus stop man was trying his luck but was essentially indicating he would like a date with you and checking your response. Other two were in a situation where it sounds like the answer was appropriate to the situation.

This

But some people don’t “see” race. Well, they can see it in the sense that we have eyes and can see what colour people are. But (many) people don’t see that there is any relationship between race and what kind of person you are. And that’s a good thing.