‘Would you/have you ever dated a person of colour’ - why ask this?

[Selenaso]

I’m white. A few days ago I was standing waiting for a bus and a black guy also waiting struck up a conversation with me - friendly, a bit flirty, not that serious. We were chatting about various things, and then at a certain point he said ‘can I ask: would you date a black guy? Have you ever?’ He wasn’t asking me out as far as I could tell (my bus was about to come), it was more like he just wanted to know.

It reminded me though of a couple of times in the past when I have been on dates with people who happened to be of colour (one first date which went nowhere, one first date that turned into a four year relationship), in both cases they asked me the same thing. AIBU to think this is a strange question, and not really understand the motivation for asking it? My reply to the guy at the bus stop is that I would like to date a nice person, and that is my answer, basically. I don’t want to be naive about the fact that racism both overt and covert still exists in the UK, it obviously very much does, but I really would not expect the vast majority of people my age or younger (I’m late 30s), or honestly most people ten years older, to see an interracial relationship as an issue or really even think about it in those terms, unless they had some very specific issues like an overtly racist/BNP type family (if white) or maybe a fairly traditional recent immigrant family who were hoping their child would marry someone of the same cultural heritage/religion (if of colour).

However the fact that people of colour have repeatedly asked me this question on dates suggests they clearly feel it is a potential issue for at least some white people, and I don’t want to be clueless as I assume if they’re feeling that, it’s based on some experiences with white people that they’re having. Maybe the aim of the question is to try and suss out stealth racism, but surely a white person who is on a date with a person of colour, even if they do have covert racism or unconscious bias, is not going to admit to it so in that sense I don’t get what the question is intended to achieve? And I don’t understand the point of asking if you’ve been in a relationship with a person of colour before? If you say yes, is that somehow going to make this current completely different relationship better? Or is the aim to try and suss out if you’ve got some weird fetish and only date people of a particular race (like some white men are meant to have a weird fetishising thing about Asian women)?

I know I should have asked the person why they were asking the question, either in the bus stop conversation or more productively the person I had a long relationship with, but somehow at the time I didn’t think to do it, the conversation moved on and we had other things to talk about. It’s only looking back that I’m wondering why this question repeatedly gets asked. AIBU?

YABU - it’s obvious why someone would ask, and here’s why
YANBU - it’s a strange question

Why would anyone decent need the teachings of MLK to decide not to judge people by their skin tone.

I've also been asked "are you pure?" before

Was this in a fundamental religious cult, or was the asker just an insane person you happened to encounter?

I’ve been asked this question a couple of times in recent years in the early stages of dating - by white men. It came into the conversation about past relationship history and preferences.

I’m white but thought it was an offensive (racist) question to ask. I live in an area where almost all the people in my age group are white UK so the opportunity has never come up.

I think a LOT of white people are extremely naive about how overtly racist many white people still are! Think about how naive some men are about the prevalence of misogyny and sexism.

The fact that multiple black men have felt the need to ask this question shows they have experience of being either rejected or fetishised based on their race.

It's definitely a racist question for a white man to ask!

Not dating people of particular races isn't racist though, it's called personal preference. People are allowed to have preferences. Some people don't like fair hair, or red hair, or dark hair or people who are too tall/ short in their eyes etc etc. Some people don't like people who are skinny, or people who are heavier. People are allowed to have preferences in dating, bloody hell.

Also, it's very impolite to ask a stranger such a question. And to me sounds like they are too fixated on the idea of race as a barrier.

Can you fucking imagine a white British person saying that stupid nonsense to you?

I’d probably snort and roll my eyes. Stupid claptrap response.

I've been asked it before and didn't find it offensive. I think it was a combination of a cheeky in, seeing if you solely date black people which is a red flag but also possibly seeing if you have experience of when other people can react in a racist manner. When I was asked and hadn't dated anyone black before I got an explanation and some questions regarding how people might react. When I was asked and had I had a reaction of relief but also it was in America so an explanation of how to react if stopped by the police so noone got killed 🫤

Not sure why you didn't just reply ' I have and I would, why are you asking?' as you said you have.

About twenty years ago I picked up the Metro paper when in Wolverhampton and looked at the dating adverts. An awful lot of the adverts specified what race of person they wanted to date, and interestingly, where they specified their own race, they were looking for someone of a different race to themselves. This was true for women, men, white people and people of colour ( of different ethniticites) and of straight and gay people ( at least of gay men, don’t remember an advert from a lesbian).

Op they’re either gauging if you’re either averse cos many people don’t. Or a bit fetishy and only date POC or weirdly over enthusiastic about it.

still very random for a bus stop

I used ‘people of colour’ as a broad term because the guy at the bus stop was black, the first date that went nowhere was of Pakistani heritage, and the one that turned into a relationship was of Indian heritage. So yeah not generally a fan of lumping everyone not-white into a term like BAME, but it felt like the most helpful descriptor here.

I am younger than the OP and do think that people our age are not “colour blind”.

Sorry if the below offends, but this is what I think would be the motivation for asking.

If a white man asks a white woman this question, he is probably judging her if she is open to dating a black man, and may consider her “ruined” if she has been with a black man.

If a black man is asking this question, he is hitting on you, or seeing if you have a “black fetish” - some do.

If a white person partners with a “POC” their children are typically not seen as white and this can be a big deal, even amongst younger adults who are not overtly racist.

I can't say I've ever been asked this I know a lot of black men, and I married "a person of colour"
The fact is many people do not date outside their race so I assume that's why they ask?

I'm surprised by the number of people who think it's creepy to be chatted up by a random people. Many a romance has started at a bus stop/railway station. And although maybe a bit clumsy as a chat up line, I don't think it's awful - although I would run a mile from 'have you had sex with a black man'.

seeing if you have experience of when other people can react in a racist manner.

This is a good (if depressing) point. I hadn’t thought of that as a possible motivator.

I absolutely hadn't thought about that. See? Bloody naive white person here.

OP you sound nice enough, but incredibly naive and privileged in your blindness to the complexity and prevalence of racism and other issues around race if you question why someone would ask this,

There are so many reasons, some already mentioned:

1. Simply putting race on the table as something you can both acknowledge or speak about (if you want a mature interracial relationship you can't possibly do that without being able to speak about race)
2. Checking from your answer that you are not incredibly naive, stupid or plain racist in how you think about race (and yes, people can go on a date with a POC and still be racist, or a rubbish potential partner, including for some of the reasons below)
3. Checking if your interest is a fetish
4. Checking if your interest is 'sexual tourism' ('trying out something for kicks that you wouldn't seriously pursue)
5. Checking if you have experience of navigating the complexities of an interracial relationship - this can be anything from handling microaggressions on a daily basis, through being the only person of your race in a room, through meeting and integrating with parents and family members who may be more traditional and have some doubts about you, through having the sophistication and sensitivity to be able to raise multi-racial children with respect and understanding of what they will face in the world
6. To check whether your family or friends may be as accepting as you are, or may be racist or naive twats with whom they would never feel comfortable
7. Checking the level to which they can be truly themselves with you. Many people of ethnic minorities feel pressure to 'tone down' their ethnic and cultural identity in the presence of white people, because it discomfits the white people. So they become highly agile 'cultural switchers'.... a white person who likes to tell themselves they are blind to race, might well be discomfited by seeing the version of their partner among others of their own ethnicity, or simply, when they want to talk about an experience around race or racism they are encountering without being shut down.
8. Because we ask a bunch of stuff on dates to make conversation, including about dating history, simply to get to know each other?

YANBU, I have mixed feelings about it but I feel it’s something a man (of any race) would ask more than a woman (of any race).

I don’t know why but I don’t like the question! I’m a POC btw, but I’ve had other men from other non-white groups and white men ask me this or similar. It seems a bit desperate and needy to me at best or manipulative at worst.

My last ex- boyfriend was white and I didn’t ever ask him if he likes POC women. I’d never have dreamed of doing so. It would soon become apparent if he was racist etc so I don’t get the point of the question on a first date? He didn’t ask me that either or ask if I’d dated white men before etc.

And in the context of asking someone you’re just chatting up “if they’ve dated a POC before” it’s even worse. I see it as possibly manipulative. You’re trying to pressure them into saying yes to a date or conversation with them lest you appear racist. Again I must stress I’ve had this question from white men too!

So I see it as a form of male entitlement basically. Also IME some POC men sadly crave validation from white women. They are massively bothered about if a white woman would date them or not. Even the ones who are basically hypocrites in that they don’t date non-white women themselves!

It’s kind of internalised racism / a problematic reaction to themselves facing systemic racism.

I do get why someone may ask to check if someone only solely dates outside their race which can be a red flag to some people. And I’ve known some women to ask on that basis.

But usually from what I’ve witnessed/heard from my white female friends - the POC men don’t see that as a red flag at all. They’re actually happy to know she only dates eg. black or Asian men.

He was asking due to possibly wanting to ask you out or as a reflection on him recently asking a white girl out and being rejected. Then again, maybe he and his family are attracted to people of their own culture and he was asking so to ascertain whether you, as a white person, also found people who look most like you, more attractive to date.
You should have asked him; only then would you truly know.

Of course he was hitting on you, and I think he put you into a bit of an awkward position there. I’m reading this from a male and probably rather cynical perspective, and it would never even occur to me to ask this. Realistically you couldn’t really say no as you’d have been seen as racist, even if you aren’t.

Very actively anti-racist and yet filtering who they date based on race alone. Suggesting a man of colour has an inferiority complex if he dates outside his race. Thinking it's too much like hard work for a privileged white woman to raise non-white kids. They're so active in their anti-racism but unable to stand up to racism within their own families.

Anti-racist?

I think you're confused.

@Coshei yep that’s definitely one reason why some men (of all races) do this.